Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

[kathymyskies]

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

Message less ?

You are not cutting contact then ?

You're the other woman.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but you need to have the respect for yourself to walk away. This man has no respect for you or his wife and is playing you both, and probably a couple of others too.

Walk away and find someone you can be in a healthy relationship with. You're too young for this shit, enjoy your life, go out with your mates, forget this shit of a man.

I mean most of contact is based around meeting. So no meeting would mean there's a chunk of messaging that wouldn't happen. And I've already said no more meeting.

I'm not even sure I'll hear from him again. I was direct in my message and he didn't react well to it. Just need to follow through with it. I feel better for having said it, and the fact he's not spoken today makes me feel angry. Confirmation that I was a bit of entertainment for him and nothing more

No - she knew she was the OW. She didn't think she was "just" the OW.

Stop being so passive

It sounds like you are simply waiting for him to use the right combination of words/crying/ pleading/manipulation/empty promises to leave his wife and then on it will go

I thought he didn't want to tell his wife because it was just hassle for him to deal with and he'd told me that they'd agreed not to share stories of new people until they'd moved into separate houses.

I questioned it a lot. But he had answers for it all and showed me texts. I believed him until the last week. What he said seemed so plausible because if you met him you'd just think he was a very honest and decent man.

I predict he will give you a couple of days to "get over" whatever he thinks is bothering you, then get back in touch expecting to pick up where he left off.

Kathymyskies, Reading from the texts he has sent you, he is still being manipulative. Men like this don't give up and can develop into stalking behaviour. I don't mean to alarm you, but put your safety and wellbeing first.
Find someone or an organisation/counsellor to talk things through because you may need help with this. You will get through this, and be a much wiser and stronger person in the end.

He probably just thinks you have a bit of "women's trouble" and will lie low for a couple of days

AF if all he had said was true, I might have waited. It's obviously not true and I'm being far from passive. I'm hurt, angry snd even questioning how I could have let it happen. Reading all these posts I feel very naive and that's not like me at all. I don't know why he's want to lie or complicate his life. I've always been so honest with him and he knew I trusted him. Head feels fucked.

So why aren't you completely fucking him off then

You are leaving the door open. You admit you have been naive. So stop.

It's really simple. You've learnt not to have a relationship with a man who lives with his wife, whatever he says. Dorm cross that line and then the mess is avoided.

He is blocked! I told him he was!!

Just saying it's hard.

If you want to stay with him that is your choice. Just don't kid yourself that you've finished things and worn go back. Don't bullshit posters who have tried to help but more importantly be true to yourself.

I don't believe you. You said you would be "messaging less"

That does not equal "blocked"

Kathy - you are not naive at all. We are not robots we all make mistakes.

It will get easier and you will be ok. Don't be afraid to ask for help from people who understand and support you.

Look out for any red flags in future relationships, keep growing and learning.

Ah thanks Kr1stina.

Blocked means he can't message you at all. And if he tried you wouldn't know.

For some people (and especially after 10months of daily meetings) it's not possible to go cold turkey without it being counter-productive, i.e. craving the contact even more - no point in bullying OP into it, she will do what she feels like she CAN do.

Reducing contact to a minimal texting or a closure-type conversation on the phone while stopping all meetings, can be more effective in stopping this emotional relationship as then there is less pressure and anguish and 'what if it's my doubts that made him hesitate' (which could send some people into depression). She knows herself and what works best for her. If htey have a closure talk, he may come up with a clear-cut answer - or if he continues bleating on, that will confirm he's a loser. I'm sure after the minimal contact , one day soon she will be ready to stop altogether.