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Original poster

Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

281 replies

kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 11:51

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 30/04/2016 13:18

You know if you did end up with this man, there'd be no chance of children in the future. I think the likelihood of him ever actually leaving the family home is minimal anyway.

andintothefire · 30/04/2016 13:20

Even if he is telling the truth, it doesn't sound as though you really want to be in this relationship long term anyway. I think you need to think carefully about what you would get out of it even if he did leave in a year's time (bearing in mind the messiness of divorce and division of assets) and in particular whether you would want to be a stepmother to children not much younger than you. Would you also give up your chance to have children of your own? Can you really know he is somebody you want to marry if you haven't been intimate? How will you cope with being at such different stages of your lives? How will you cope if he loses (at least) half his assets in a divorce? When does he want to retire? etc

There are situations where people stay with their husbands or wives for their children or financial security despite the marriage being dead. You only need to read a few threads on this board to see that. However, personally I think that is a sign of weakness if it is used as an excuse to cheat. In your situation there is no reason why he can't tell his wife and they can just agree to stay living in the same house for a year or so. I think that level of honesty probably should be required (and a deal breaker for you) if you really are serious about a future with him.

DailyFaily · 30/04/2016 13:21

"Sometimes he says he thinks they would try to make it work after the kids leave but for now he can't see a way of it getting better."

Why would he be waiting until the kids leave before trying to make it work with his wife? That makes no sense. He's using you to boost his self esteem at a time when his marriage is struggling, and as an emotional crutch to tide him over if his marriage does end.

I doubt things are going to magically change when their youngest moves and I would query the logic of that anyway - your youngest child is undergoing this big daunting life changing move (i.e. moving out of home of the first time) and that's when you're going to hit them with the whammy of parental break up? No, you're going to find it's 'once he/she has settled in' and then 'oh but they've got exams' and so, and so on.

SlimCheesy · 30/04/2016 13:23

you are the other woman. I am so sorry. When I was your age I was with a man about his age. he was working abroad, in the same country where I worked and his wife was in the UK. He used that to convince me they were not together any more. For 2 years I thought we were together and that he had to sort things out at home and then he coukd marry me, but he was sensitive to his 'ex' wife's feelings. Plus, It would hurt his children so much as they could not deal with the 'truth' that the marriage was over... they were about to go to university. He never had penetrative sex with me..... everything else though.... mainly me catering to him. I later found out that this was so he could say to his wife that hand on heart he had never slept with anyone else.

I wasted so much of my youth and my heart on this utter waste of fucking space.

Don't make the same mistake.

Sunnyshores · 30/04/2016 13:23

Relationships are very difficult, even with 'the one'. You dont need to complicate this with someone that actually you dont think is the one, someone who is married, may or may not leave his wife for you, has children, is much older.....Give yourself half a chance of finding true, love that lasts forever.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:24

Thank you for replies. The way he goes on about loving me and wanting me to be happy and 'if I ever want to stop he understands but would be heartbroken,' just leaves me feeling responsible for where it is going or not going, and also confused about what he is really doing with me.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 30/04/2016 13:25

He's impotent and you are helping him feel better about himself. What on earth are you thinking of spending all your free time mooning about texting a man who is in the same house as his wife and family, old enough to be your dad and clearly has very little regard for you or your feelings.

Gather up your self respect and dump him for once and all. He will never make you happy.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:27

For what it's worth, were the situation different I would have married him. With no doubts in my mind at all. I really do love him. And I get that people will by cynical about that. But I do. It doesn't change the real facts here though and I need to face up to that.

And he can get it up. I haven't wanted to have sex because I didn't want this to become more than it was while the situation was so messy.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 30/04/2016 13:27

Op you are a bit clueless aren't you. Aged 29 and having a relationship with a guy who is married, and obviously has a problem in the bedroom department as the poor woman he is married to has moved to a different room and he's not doing anything with you.
Run as fast as you can, even if he left his wife what sort of relationship could you have, where sex is not involved? Its something that you reasonably expect when your in a long term loving relationship with someone.
Think about this, would you want a family???????
You do realise IF you got together his adult children would hate you.
Madness, why put yourself through this, have you no other options?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:29

Slim cheesy that sounds so much like my situation (Except th sex part that I know he would do if I was ok with it).

I don't think he's malicious or being intentionally cruel, but he's certainly not thinking of how much hurt he's causing

OP posts:
Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:32

I need to clarify the sex part. Or the sex part as I have been told it. They've not had sex for years and his wife complains about it but he says he can't do it until things are better between them. Apparently they never got better and she complains in arguments now and then and calls him gay but doesn't initiate it and he obviously doesn't either. The last two years apparently hadn't even been a topic that's mentioned it just doesn't happen.

He can get it up. He'd have sex and often initiates it but I don't want that while things are as they are.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 13:34

He's quite the master manipulator isn't he ? Making you responsible for his happiness is a particularly effective trick

He doesn't love you. If he loved you, he wouldn't trick you into wasting years of the prime of your life with no guarantee it would ever be worth it

Does that sound like the mindset of a loving person...or the selfish, ego centric machinations of a man desperate to hold onto his youth

Even if he doesn't consciously realise, that is what he is doing

Inertia · 30/04/2016 13:35

Don't feel guilty about that heartbroken shit! Of course he wouldn't be heartbroken, just as he hasn't instigated nay kind of separation from his wife. You're just an ego boost for a sad, deluded, middle aged liar.

You are 29. You are in the prime of your life, you have options- a career, see the world, have a family of your own. At the end of the 'good 15 years' he's promised you, you'll be too old to meet anyone else and have children of your own if that's what you want to do.

For fuck's sake, don't waste your life on this.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:35

AF I agree with you. The point is, if he wasn't cheating, he'd be able to tell his wife. That's what I need to accept and his reasons for not telling her are embarrassing. I'm embarrassed I've believed them.

Talking on here has really helped.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/04/2016 13:36

Not being intentionally cruel?

He's already told you how upset his wife will be when she finds out he's cheating on her.

So what part of him going ahead and cheating anyway is not "intentionally cruel"?

FFS, are you actually that thick?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 13:36

I expect he has also had a vasectomy

homeiswheretheginis · 30/04/2016 13:36

If he does it to her, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? Any one of us could be her. Think about what you're doing.

Cabrinha · 30/04/2016 13:37

^ oooops, thick sounds like a personal attack! Not meant like that - I mean it because you're not, so you're suppose to read it and think "no, no I bloody well am not! Enough of his shit!"

biptinthebud · 30/04/2016 13:38

We are talking about an affair here.

A married couple living together for years, with their children.

And a much younger woman wondering if it's okay to continue her affair with someone else's husband.

He's not your husband, I'm sorry. He's his wife's husband, not yours.

Find your own unmarried man. Whatever he's told you doesn't change the fact that you are knowingly having an affair with someone else's husband

pelvicallyfloored · 30/04/2016 13:38

If he hasn't slept with his wife for 7 years, why is happy to not have sex with you either? He shoud be champing at the bit! I think he's happy enough with his life, and you've come along and given him a bit of excitement. Boosted his ego. You're a pleasant distraction to him, and he's happy with things just the way they are. Meanwhile the clock's ticking while you wait for the day it all changes, and he knows it never will.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 13:38

You should be embarrassed, love

I am cringing for you. Ten months isn't that long to lose your common sense for though

Walk away and chalk it up to experience. Don't even look back. This man is a loser. This is what I would say to you if you were my friend.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 13:39

Why do you think that AF?

He's said he doesn't want more kids.

I know you're all right.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 30/04/2016 13:40

Of course you're the other woman and I don't believe for a second that you didn't realise it.

IsmellSwell · 30/04/2016 13:40

If he's not getting sex off his wife and he's not getting it off you, then rest assured he WILL be getting it from somewhere.
Although my money's on he IS getting sex off his wife, but he doesn't want you knowing that. He wants to paint the picture of I'm a poor misunderstood husband who never gets sex. It gets you feeling sorry for him.
It's a form of control. He's controlling you.
Anyway, Ask yourself this, do you really want to end up with the type of character who is happy and sneaky enough to chat for hours to another woman 'till she falls asleep' while his wife and children are in another room?

He sounds like a prize Hmm A real keeper.

Get rid of him and don't fall for his emotional blackmail of 'you'll break my heart one day' bullshit.
Have some integrity.
Don't let this man control you.

NotnowNigel · 30/04/2016 13:41

You are NOT responsible for his happiness. You ARE responsible for your own!

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think you will not find a boyfriend? Do you have a social life apart from him? Are you very shy or living a difficult life?

I'm struggling to see why you are treating yourself so badly. Why you are tolerating being someone's dirty little secret. And why you are not paying attention to your own desires/wants out of life. Are you very lonely?