Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

[kathymyskies]

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

If it was truly over she wouldn't give a shit.

Oh dear.
Where to start.
Well - people are being very nice to you here, I think because you sound desperately naïve. I also think people have the kid gloves on because you're 29 and he's 52, and you're not even getting sex out of this - so it does sound like you have "issues". I don't care if people come on with the "we have a 90 year gap and have been married 200 years" anecdotes. That's uncommon. Most 29 year olds coming into peak and limited child bearing years do not faff about with men old enough to be their dad. And lying cheating cunts who are old enough to be their dad, at that.

So let's be clear - you are part of him cheating on his wife. That really does not make you a very good person right now. He's worse - but you're really pretty morally dubious yourself.
Don't be that person.

I expect he has erectile dysfunction. He's after attention / ego stroking from you rather sex.

Look, painting him in the best possible - but still shit - light...
Yeah, he probably has a sexless marriage, separate rooms, separate lives. Grown apart. (or possibly she kicked him into the spare room after a previous embarrassing episode of him chasing a woman half his age )

That still doesn't make it OK to cheat

If they had agreed to split, then he could tell her about you. If they had agreed to split, he wouldn't have said they actually might stay together!!! He told you that. Himself. You're not actually stupid, are you?

So...

He's too old for you.
He's a liar and a cheat.
He can't get it up.

Remind me why you're with him?

Oh and again - you're doing something that's morally pretty nasty. Go you.

Just text. Sometimes talk but he's v quiet. He admits he doesn't want his wife to know we speak. And I question it and he says she would be insulted when they live together still, but she still knows it is over. Writing that is making me feel so stupid. How can that be true. I feel so stupid.

And what was in these texts that prove they're not a couple any more?! Hard to imagine that one.

Also, have you asked him what will be their financial arrangements on divorce? Cos you know, if you'd agreed to split several years in advance of it, you'd have discussed that - at least in principle. Are they selling the house? Is she taking a share of his pension? Is he making a claim on hers? He'd have to bullshit all that of course, because he's never spoken to her about leaving.

You have a lot of coffee and lunches... I'm going to hazard a guess that's not strict 50/50. Is his wife aware that he's spending their family money on an affair?

Stop wasting your time on this cheating dickless arsehole, and spend some of the time with a therapist to see why you're happy in a sexless go nowhere non threatening affair. (I tempted to have a field day with the father figure theory, especially given you accepting that it is sexless)

Harsh but: you feel stupid, because you have been stupid.

So, make your choice - continue being stupid (and immoral) or wise up and move on.

Trust me, he'll find and flatter someone else soon enough.

Poor wife.

he doesn't want his wife to know we speak I wonder why?
I bet he can't get it up either.

Ok, this thread is going to get realistic. If you are really as naive as you sound, stick around and learn. You have to. He is conning you. Punches won't be pulled on here. You very much are the OW.

You already know that you are the OW in a rather tawdry little emotional affair on his part.
If he was likely to leave his wife he would have done so by now. He has a comfortable, respectable home life and is using you to for a bit of sparkle, to convince himself he's "still got it".
Perhaps you could persuade him to buy a motorbike, like other mid-life crisis men do, rather than mess you around?
You're worth way more than this sad little man.

Another thing...
Even if he was divorced...
Every lunch time together, and meeting every evening too?
You need to strike out and get a life.
I don't know your job but it sounds like 9-5 office based thing.
When are you having lunch with your colleagues?

Apart from the fact that might lead to you meeting someone better for you than Pervy Dickless Grandpa, it can be useful to develop some relationship with colleagues socially in order to work well together and progress.

I'm laughing as well at the little gem of a detail that it was the wife's instigation that he sleep in another room.
He's a prince!
Yep, let's make sure the wife is blamed here.
Funny how the woman who instigated the (non existent) split is the one that can't be told, isn't it?

OP, he sounds like a wimp. Can't make decisions, cries, etc!
I don't think he is necessarily lying about heir situation - lots of married couples pre-divorce live in separate rooms, sometimes for years. Kids can be told anything, i.e. separate beds for health issues. I personally know two men who are/were in that limbo, one a relative, another a friend, both older men. One got divorced after having an affair is is living happily ever after with OW (been together 10yrs now) and his DD was just into Uni when he moved out - but she didn't really question why the slept in different bedroom with the mum. DC of that age are well aware that marriages are not always for keeps.
The second one had no sex with wife for 3 yrs and before that very sporadic since kids left. He was really keen on a younger woman he met at that point, and would have left like a shot if she was interested, was trying to 'court' her for a while just socially. They agreed on divorcing with the wife, but in the end neither he nor the wife wanted to rock the boat financially because neither had a potential partner to go to AND he didn't want to live on his own in a tiny house. So it's not true that these tales are always a lie.
But in your case, he is weak and he is much older which is an issue for you. Yes he may be confused by your indeciseveness about the future too, but really you both then are wasting time hugely!!
Either decide that you want him (especially if you are not bothered about having DC) and tell him that you are cutting contact now and it's up to him whether he wants to leave his wife and be with you properly once DC is off to Uni, so within a year! If he must be in some contact, then make it once a month or something if you can't bear it, BUT only if you are sure of your goals.
Otherwise just go, start going out and meeting new men. Hanging on his hook chatting every eve is a terrible waste, you are in some sort of codependent unhealthy relationship. And please don't feel sorry for him if you walk - he needs to get a grip and decide what he wants. Btw if their marriage is bad, he should leave anyway and then -find a suitable woman. So you'll do him a favour, regardless of his crying!

OP, he might not have tried it on because he can't get it up. He might not have tried it on because he only wants to be having sex with one person at a time.
I'm not buying his bullshit (I have been told same story so many times it saddens me) I don't think you are buying it either, that is why you posted.
Do you not want children? He probably won't, or can't.

Best get rid OP. You don't seem to be getting anything much out of this. Don't waste any more of your youth on him.

cheer up, OP, you might win the Nigerian Lottery next week.

oh tigger thank you

and yep, may well be that 'he can't get it up' as others saying, wife may have sent him to another room as they don't have sex anyway, and he's not even trying it with you. Not a fact, but possible.

All the signs of lack of confidence are there, so maybe simply a wimp - or maybe lack of sexual confidence.

You are the bit of young totty that is feeding his ego in his mid-life crisis. Tell him to sort out the situation with his wife and you need to back off until he has done so.

He has a comfortable, respectable home life and is using you to for a bit of sparkle, to convince himself he's "still got it".
yes, very likely! and with you he doesn't even need to prove that he's still got it as a lover (as he probably hasn't got it!)
Fantasy land!

If he knows his wife would be insulted by him carrying on behind her back, then he shouldn't be doing it. He's insulting her twice over by (a) seeing someone else and (b) using the fact that she would be insulted to his own advantage by making it the reason not to tell her. If they'd already decided they're going to split up, and aren't sleeping together, the chances are they would each feel justified in finding another partner. There's no logic in what he's saying. He's playing you. If you hang around long enough for the son to go to uni, he won't leave her, he'll just keep shifting the goalposts. Get out now.

he probably snores.

Of course you're the Other Woman.

He's old enough to be your dad.
He's playing you like a fiddle.
You've been "seeing" each other for 10 months, been intimate (??) but not had sex or spent any meaningful time together.
He doesn't often talk to you in the evening but sneakily texts or if he does phone whispers so he doesn't get found out.

Gee, what a catch

Sweetheart my DP is 52. His DD1 is 2 years younger than you. He would be devastated if he found out she was wasting the prime of her life on having a half-relationship with a married man.

Wake up and smell the coffee love. This is going nowhere.

(Oh and I'm not sure why other posters are adamant that he's impotent - just because he's 52? Or because he's not had sex with you? More likely that he's guilty to sleep with you rather than because he can't...)

Of course, there's the possibility that he and his wife get on just fine, and have successfully had an open relationship for the last 7 years.

But he doesn't want her to know about you specifically because he knows she'll rip the piss out of him for sniffing around a 29yo.

I find that men like to boast to other men if they've found someone foolish/issue ridden enough to ignore a full generation gap - but they don't boast to women, because women just give them the face.

Please finish this joke of a relationship.

Have you got friends, OP? Have you made friends on here? You could be messing about with a poster's husband. He's someone else's husband. Get out there and get yourself a boyfriend who is single and don't settle for bullshit again.

How could you be anything except the ow. He's married, he lives in the same house as his wife, and she doesn't know about you. What does that sound like to you?

What made doubt you're not the OW?