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Original poster

Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

281 replies

kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 11:51

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

OP posts:
biptinthebud · 30/04/2016 14:16

it seems to me as though the OP is very aware of the potential fallout for everybody

But she's still doing it. She's equally responsible

Valentine2 · 30/04/2016 14:17

This reply has been deleted

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tiggytape · 30/04/2016 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 30/04/2016 14:21

My ExH told the woman he was having an affair with that our marriage was over. Shame he hadn't told me! Grin

I suspect the same is happening here.

OK, so he eventually married her, but he left me, and our daughter to do so.

I did resist commenting on his wedding pic, when his older daughter posted it on FB 'When the mistress becomes a wife, she creates a vacancy'.

If he did leave her for you, and that is a very big if, then you would be right to live in fear that he would have an affair with someone, telling them the same tales he has told you!

NotnowNigel · 30/04/2016 14:21

Having a good laugh and 'loving' (affectionate, fond?) of him is NOT enough.

You are selling yourself desperately short here and laying down a lot of misery for yourself in the future if you stay with this man.

What if he doesn't leave his wife? What if he does, but then you can't have children with him because he doesn't want any more - or you get him to change his mind but then he's been through it all before and just becomes grumpy and resentful? What if he loses most of his money in his divorce and you're working to support him? Or he gets ill and you have to care for him? Or he cheats on you?

None of these are good outcomes for a young woman, but they are all very likely.

Be brave OP. Do the right thing. Do the best for yourself. And dump his sorry arse. You deserve x100 better than this pathetic excuse for a relationship.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 14:22

He said he'd only have 15 good years for me because of his age. He said he'd leave now if I wanted to marry him.

I get the reasons for people saying I should have known and I'm just as bad. I believed him. If that makes me an awful person then I am. And yes, I should have known better. I came here for the reason that I had begun to question him.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 14:25

So what's going to happen when he's 67? It seems strange at 52 to think you've only got 15 years left.

UnGoogleable · 30/04/2016 14:26

OP, I don't think you're a bad person here. Let me share 2 stories with you.

  1. Someone I know had an affair with a married man. She's in love with him. He won't leave his wife, but he keeps her dangling with constant texting. He claims he's in a loveless marriage, but when the crunch came he refused to leave his wife. His wife is desperately trying to revive their marriage and clearly has no idea that he's still having an affair. The upshot of this is that my friend has spent years waiting around for him, and for a while became mentally unwell through all the heartache he has caused her. She's not free of him yet, and I fully expect him to break her heart again in the future. He is the worst thing that ever happened to her.
  1. When I was young, I had an affair with an older man who had a long-term partner. We worked together, spent loads of time together, and talked every evening until bed time. He claimed his relationship with his partner was just platonic and he was only with her because of their DCs. Sound familiar? I fell for him, but I soon realised that nothing would ever change. I knew that it was a total dead end of heartbreak for me. So I ended it. I never looked back, went on to have a great life Grin. He went on to have several more affairs after me, and did eventually leave his partner for one of them. I hope his partner has found happiness, she deserves it for spending so long with a shit like him.

2 cautionary tales OP. Don't be like #1, be like #2 (me) and get the hell out and start living your life with someone who can actually be with you.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 30/04/2016 14:28

God women can be stupid 🙄

The lines he is using are as old as the hills.

Alternatively, he can't get it up which explains the separate rooms with the missus. You're there to boost his ego.

Grow up. You're far too old to fall for all this shit.

biptinthebud · 30/04/2016 14:32

So you didn't have a problem with him being married.
You didn't have a problem with him keeping it secret from his family.
But you do have a problem now because you think he won't eventually leave his family for you.

I feel so old fashioned for being Shockat this! And I'm the same age as you!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 30/04/2016 14:32

I do think that you have to take responsibility for hurting his wife and family. It doesn't matter if what he said is true or not.

tiggytape · 30/04/2016 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackheart2016 · 30/04/2016 14:36

I agree he obviously can't get it up. If he's not sleeping with his wife or you either then he has a problem. After 10 months and you're in love, then it's not likely to happen is it. That sounds very unusual.

As for wondering if you are the other woman, how can you think anything differently if he lives with his wife?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/04/2016 14:37

He said he'd leave now if I wanted to marry him

Okay, so why not tell him you're looking at suitable homes for the two of you and will need his details for the mortgage application - and while you're at it say you're researching venues for the wedding and ask which of his "side" he'd like to invite?

I imagine his response would be illuminating Hmm

Dandelion66 · 30/04/2016 14:37

Do you have any idea of the devastation that this would cause when his wife and family does find out because they will. You are delusional.

UnGoogleable · 30/04/2016 14:42

I do think that you have to take responsibility for hurting his wife and family

No OP you really don't. Nobody has hurt his wife and family yet, because they don't know. And if they did know, it would be HIS responsibility with your involvement, NOT the other way around.

Laura812 · 30/04/2016 14:43

It sounds as if you don't want to marry him so best you don't get intimate with him sexually and you break it off.

If you would like to marry him and have children with him then do check he is prepared to start all over again with 2 or 3 children and you and he can afford that.

He should not be considering adultery. He should instead divorce his wife, get that all finalised and then go hunting for a new spouse.

80% of married peopel who have an affair never leave their spouse.

WizardOfToss · 30/04/2016 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gazelda · 30/04/2016 14:45

How did you meet him OP? How did the relationship start?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 14:49

Thanks for all the replies.

We met in a bar and work on the same street or round the corner of that street, so bumped into him (literally) about a year ago and then one day we went for a coffee and that started from there

OP posts:
StKildasNun · 30/04/2016 14:51

Being with him in the future would not be like being with him now.

There will be upset DCs, at uni or whatever, but presumably he will still want to spend time with them. Don't assume that because they are older they will happily accept you. Don't assume finances will be easy, he will have to split his savings etc and provide for two DCs.
Should his wife take badly to his leaving he could be left guilty and feeling responsible for her sadness.
etc etc etc

UnGoogleable · 30/04/2016 14:56

Take our advice OP and get out of it now before you get any further into his.

You haven't slept with him, and nobody has been hurt yet. It should be relatively easy to break it off.

I know you feel like you love him, but seriously, find real love with someone who can be 100% yours. I can't emphasise this enough. Having an affair, apart from all the heartache that it can bring, is only ever a shell of a relationship.

Go and find a whole one.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 15:02

You are the OW. An emotional affair is still cheating. Plus it's obvious there's been some 'fooling around' if not PIV sex since you know he can get it up, so I'm sure he's getting some gratification from what the two of you get up to. And since he is able to get it up and you aren't giving it to him, then he's getting it somewhere, most likely from his long suffering wife. You're his 'ego stroke', the 'Oh, I want you but I can't, you're married, we mustn't!" girl. You're a fool.

He's told you every married man lie there is.

We've agreed to 'live separately'. Check
I haven't had sex with her in ages. Check
But the children!!! Check
I can't hurt her like that. Check
I'll leave when the children are grown. Check
I 'want you to be happy' but will use emotional blackmail to keep you. Check

Break it off now, before you lose your youth and the possibility of having children (if you want them) to this dishonest, selfish excuse for a man. Because if you don't, you're going to find yourself living in limbo (or worse still, married to him) at 40 when he dumps you for another 29 year old victim.

WyldChyld · 30/04/2016 15:19

You've said you've been intimate with him (but no sex) - where was this? His house? His car? An alleyway? Your house?

Is it the way you'd hope it would be in a relationship - two people exploring each other and having fun someone safe and enjoyable - or is it all a bit sleazy with grabbed moments in alleyways on your lunch break?

He's using you, love.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 30/04/2016 15:22

ungoogle I actually don't believe that you would be saying it is perfectly OK to be in a relationship knowing that they are still in a relationship!! Are women just now plain bitches to other women?! I despair.

Of course you are hurting a family and a wife, so is the husband, it doesn't matter if they don't know. You are directly causing harm, both of you.

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