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Original poster

ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

182 replies

bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 20:56

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

OP posts:
clarepetal · 01/06/2022 08:30

Wow! I had no idea this was 6 years old, I feel as if I have read a book!
I think a lot of people unfairly bashed you OP. I also think you have made the right choices after a shit time and come really far.
Good luck for your future, I only wish you well. Daffodil

ChocolateHippo · 01/06/2022 08:42

bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 21:20

My family are not local and never want to see him again. His family are not suitable.

Yes, it was a conviction for child sex offences.

I stood by him because he convinced me that what he did wasn't that bad. He said it was in the past and he had changed. I wanted to believe him. I was pregnant at the time and very frightened. The affair just highlighted to me that he hadn't changed, that he didn't love me and that he just used me to get through some tough times.

I think you need to stop contact and protect your DC.

He committed offences against children who may not be very much older than your own DC (not that their age matters). There is no way that I would put my DC in such a vulnerable position, even with supervised contact - it only takes a moment. And there is no way I would have this man in my home - your home should be an absolutely safe place for both you and DC and you should not allow anyone in it who makes you feel vulnerable.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 01/06/2022 08:42

ChocolateHippo · 01/06/2022 08:42

I think you need to stop contact and protect your DC.

He committed offences against children who may not be very much older than your own DC (not that their age matters). There is no way that I would put my DC in such a vulnerable position, even with supervised contact - it only takes a moment. And there is no way I would have this man in my home - your home should be an absolutely safe place for both you and DC and you should not allow anyone in it who makes you feel vulnerable.

Show quote history

I think you meed to RTFT

Lavendersquare · 01/06/2022 09:11

I'm sorry none of this makes sense, Social Services would not allow a child sex offender to have basically unsupervised contact with a child. I'm saying unsupervised because you are not a professional and seem to be sympathetic towards him.

I'd be surprised if SS haven't put your child on the at risk register because you are allowing contact with a sex offender. If you continue to allow access you run the risk of losing your child. Do Social Services know that you allow him access in your home?

As for contact centres as others have said these are places where contact with risky individuals can be managed. If he is not allowed near a contact centre due to his crimes you can assume that he is definitely not allowed contact with your child.

Have you set this contact arrangement up with him yourself? Do Social Services actually know? I don't think they can, because it's clearly a dangerous situation for your DC to be in.

Please put your child first and stop allowing contact, with luck your child will be ok but if something was to happen you'll never be able to forgive yourself.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 01/06/2022 09:21

So many people not reading the thread, or even OPs update.....

badhappening · 01/06/2022 09:41

Now is the time to stop this. You have it in your control.

It WILL fuck her up if you allow her to see him. Her self worth will be non-existent.

Your judgement has been very stupid in the past. It’s time to grow up. And I mean that with kindness and respect.

badhappening · 01/06/2022 09:51

@bizzybee1234 My apologies for not reading your excellent update.

What a strong women and great mother you are 💐

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