ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

[bizzybee1234]

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

For God's sake don't tip him off that you are stopping contact. Do not speak to him ever again. Just change your phone number. Move house again. Change your name. Do not use social media in your old name or new name ever.

Unfortunately she won't be going abroad again until she is an adult.

Check that with sol too.
It used to be possible to get an order meaning you didn't have to ask NRP for permission to go abroad.

Make all contact between you and him via a sol from now on - he cannnot manipulate you if he cannot speak to you. Everything becomes written evidence.

When you change names make sure he doesn't know your new names and your family know not to tell him or any of his family/friends.

rarely respond ?

stop responding

I agree Kidnapped, I wouldn't travel abroad either if that was the option. I assume you or he has already been to court re informing him when you go abroad because my exh had PR and it was never a legal requirement for me to do, but we never had a court for contact etc???

Whilst I agree you should cut contact I do emphasise with you. Shoe on the other foot moment, I was the child and it was my step dad. My mum knew, she didn't care. When he was prosecuted (not for what he did to me but photos from the web) she stood by him and kicked me out. I will never forgive her for not protecting me and as a parent I can't really understand it.

But, I have seen how these people get under your skin. Even under my circumstances I tried for a relationship, everyone always goes on about sticking with blood, needing a mother (or father). It's so bloody tough to separate.

My advice would be cut contact for 6 months, a year maybe. See how it goes. This will give you time to sort your head without him. It will give you perspective. Then when you (hopefully) realise what a massive mistake contact will be, you can cut off for good. This way it feels less pressurised and gives you the space you need. I would stress though, social will get involved if you don't protect your child so take this very seriously.

Best of luck

Don't let him near your child, it will do her more damage them done he's not allowed around other child why would you even consider letting him around your

To the posters being a little 'direct' with the OP.
Yes it is an emotive subject.
Yes nc is a no brainer.

But there is nothing to be gained for OP or her DD by making OP feel shit.

Just saying.

OP didn't ask for the father of her dd to turn out to be a sex offender. She needs to see there is a way out not to be given a verbal doing.

Not heard of the Freedom Programme. I will look into it, thanks for that!

I appreciate some people's strong opinions and as I said, a number of years ago I would have been the same.

However, being shouted at here is not very helpful. I have been dictated to and shouted at by him and ended up in this mess.

I need to make my own decisions based on all of the relevant considerations.

I'm sorry in advance but you were strong enough to dump him when he had an affair but not when you found out he was a child sex offender?

Not good enough. Protect your child taking whatever steps you have to take. That means NO CONTACT. You may not like this but that's tough. You need to protect your vulnerable helpless child. Contact with a parent should be in the best interests of the child and this is not. Let's not bother with a posh title and call him what he is. A paedophile.

If anyone said to you that you have to supervise contact between your child and a stranger who was a paedophile would you?

And no you need to make your decisions based on what is best for your child not on relevant considerations.

forumdonkey nope. It is the law. If you leave the country with your dc without the permission of a parent with PR you are at risk of being arrested for child abduction.

The law changed..if you are lucky they won't stop you at the border but if they do...

It seems like you're doing this for you. I'm sorry, but it does.

Do you really, honestly think that your dd will benefit from this in any way?

Do you think she will thank you for gambling with her safety and well being because she's not old enough to make decisions for herself?

Your DD is your only consideration. Are you willing to risk her emotional wellbeing or at any risk of being abused? If you answer this then you have your answer.

Would you allow her to play by a road and supervise from a window? There is a risk she could run into the road as a car was passing and other the other hand that may never happen but would you ever risk it?

Just wanted to give (hugs) and say how sorry I am that you even have to make this decision. And it is of course a very difficult situation to be in. You haven't said exactly what it was he did in detail, but I think you would be gambling to allow him any contact with his DC. Of course if you tell them 'daddy's bad' that may in itself cause psychological issues, so no idea how you would or should frame it, but NC is the safest choice in a bag of very shitty options really.

And just remember he has created any hurt the children will feel not you. So don't blame yourself for having to make the tough call.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs, thanks for answering my question. I've got to be honest if I really wanted a holiday abroad and I wasn't in contact with him I'd do it regardless without his consent. If I really couldn't take that risk I wouldn't go abroad

You're welcome re the Freedom Programme bizzy. I think it is just what you need to help you see things more clearly. The power of manipulation must never be under-estimated.
No-one is 'shouting' at you on here, we are all standing by your decision to cut contact with him and will support that decision all the way. It is unusual for an entire thread to be on an OP's side, you have all of our support. :)
Your solicitor can do you a letter to help you change your name with the bank etc, there is no need to go to a lot of trouble. You have enough to sort out.

You sound very vulnerable, I hope you have found some strength from here? I suspect you were vulnerable before he met you?

Rosenwyn and SmallLegs - thanks for gentle insights.

My family live abroad and I work abroad occasionally, so there is no choice but to go abroad. It can be a criminal offence to remove a child from the jurisdiction without consent of the other PR holder.

SS have categorised him as low to medium risk to older children and low risk to younger children. They said they were generally over-cautious. I have a written agreement with them and stick to the letter of it.

Meetings have been in public and the minute he touches her I would go to the police. He is still on licence and would probably end up back in prison for not being "of good behaviour".

Yes I was young and vulnerable in a way before I met him. Pretty sure that is why he went for me and swept me off my feet. On the other hand, I am well respected in my job and not a slacker academically. So I have plenty of self-confidence in other areas. Which makes the whole mind-f*cking he has done to me even harder to understand.

Forumdonkey by "relevant considerations" I mean relevant to the well-being of my child. Cutting contact with a parent is a pretty harsh thing to do (even if it is outweighed by the dangers of maintaining contact). It will have an emotional impact on her, and part of my consideration is how to do that in the best possible way.

Honestly bizzy, she will not remember him if you do it now. Think back to when you were 2, what can you remember?

The sad truth is that sex offenders re-conviction rate is ridiculously high and if you continue contact for a few years and then he goes back to prison, because she will remember him, the separation will be so completely different, plus he will go away for longer next time...and the odds are, there will be a next time. It really is better now, she might ask where he is (if she has a clue who he is, which as she doesn't have physical hugs off him seems unlikely) a couple/few times and after that, nothing.

I disagree love, sorry. The emotional impact of having contact IMO opinion from experience would be greater given what he's done, his reputation etc than going NC and her not knowing him and not having him in her life. I say that with all sincerity and a lot of experience.

By the way, it shines through your posts that you are indeed intelligent and articulate. Please don't think that anyone thinks otherwise.

Even the brightest of us can't always see the woods for the trees because of how we have been emotionally raised. It's not your fault.

Bizzy, I agree the freedom programme would be really helpful. Predatory men can leave women feeling almost brainwashed and uncertain of what is what anymore.
It happens equally to capable, intelligent women. So don't feel, we're suggesting you aren't capable.

You can go to court to have PR removed and/or the court remove the right to know when a child is taken abroad. If you need to travel for work this might be worth exploring.

You say he poses a low risk, but his manipulative behaviour alone could be very damaging to you and your child. I think your instincts are rights and no contact is the best solution. Like others have said no father relationship is better than one with a convicted paedophile.

I hope you have lots of support in RL. You must feel very vulnerable.

forumdonkey You misunderstand me. I am just saying that cutting contact is a harsh thing for a child to experience. I agree with you that it is better to do that than not to do it. But it is still harsh.

Buzzardbird I am not criticising what you are saying, AT ALL. But recidivism among sex offenders is lower than among general offenders (see for example www.lanternproject.org.uk/library/research-about-sex-offenders/managing-sex-offenders/sexual-offence-recidivism/). I think part of the reason for that is that SOs are monitored wherever they go, their computers are checked, they have to register etc while the SOPO lasts. Where I agree, is that SOs and in particular Child SOs, have an underlying mental problem which will never go away.

So someone who falls in with the wrong crowd and commits endless car theft might more easily be helped by being put in a different environment, educated, given a job etc, SOs are far harder, if not impossible, to "cure".

Thanks All for many very helpful comments and things to think about.

It's late and I can't afford yet another night not sleeping until the early hours.

I just talked to my children (who were around 7 and 14 at the time) about what family means and that family means you're part of a team and that this particular family member had done something that meant they were no longer part of our team. And we weren't going to see them again. But that I couldn't tell them why (legally can't) and they were just going to have to trust us (their dad and me).

The eldest uses another name for the person and won't refer to them by their actual name. The youngest never mentions them.

It's a close family member. They saw them weekly until that point.