ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

[bizzybee1234]

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

If he had any decency he would fuck off out of your lives and never come back.
I think you should do everything you can to make sure he has no contact with your daughter, ever.
Why would you want you or her to have any contact ever with a man guilty of child sexual offences?
Who cares what he wants?

I would tell your child that he is a very bad man who hurts children so is not allowed near them. That is the truth and children should know that they are protected from such monsters.

It's a crying shame she has even met him to be honest.

I would be doing absolutely everything in my power to ensure my child had no contact whatsoever with this man. Is he able(and likely) to take this to court if you stop contact completely?
I wouldn't feel any guilt either, build a lovely, stable life with your child away from him

I would not in a million years allow contact with him.

Why?

Because I was sexually abused as a child and don't forgive my mother for not protecting me when I think she knew what was going on.

I'm stunned you're even thinking of it.

Can you clarify what the offence actually was?

No brainer - no contact.

I'm struggling to weigh up why you didn't think that his actions were enough to stop contact in the first place?

Why an affair tipped you over the edge but him being a child sex offender didn't?

I know of two woman who stood by their man and they went on to sexual abuse other children on their release.

Why would you even risk it? This is your precious child and you should protect her even if he is her father. Tell him to fuck off

TurnOff I don't even want to know.

If it was bad enough for the sanctions, it must be bad

OP, your efforts should be going into keeping your DD away from this vile person at all costs. Not forwarding a relationship with him. I can't believe you would even consider this. I can only think you've lost all perspective.

She is more likely to blame you for staying in touch with this man, than for keeping her safe from him.

He manipulated you last time, but you know him for what he is this time. So if you support contact now, you are failing your daughter, and are not parenting well. It really is that simple. Absolutely do not let a convicted sex offender anywhere near her.

My friend's husband was never convicted (lack of evidence) but had to have supervised contact and none with other kids. So her mother had to explain to a 9 year old why daddy couldn't come to her birthday party. Want to be the one explaining that to your daughter?

Cut this scum out of both of your lives now. Be honest with her why, when she is older. And when she and her friends are the wrong age for him to abuse.

For context, the offences are historic offences. I am not saying that makes it any better.

I feel utterly humiliated that I was conned into ever thinking he was a nice guy and for sticking by him against my better judgment.

I wanted my child to have a father. I am only just getting my head around who he really is under that polished and deceptive veneer. I am only just strong enough not to be manipulated by him into thinking it will all be OK, he isn't that person any more and he has changed.

For all of you who judge me for sticking by him and even considering some kind of relationship between him and my child - you don't know what it's like until it happens to you. 5 years ago I would have reacted the same way. Now whatever I do hurts and feels wrong.

Put your child first. Having contact with a sex offender is not in their interest.

Why have you asked for messages about what people have told children? Why couldn't they put that here? I'm assuming that's what you mean by DM? I've seen people use that term on FB.

Fortunately, at the age of 2, she will have no memory of this shit if you cut him out now. Please don't allow her to have memories of him. I cannot believe that SS would even entertain contact, supervised or otherwise, especially as you stuck by him for so long.

What ever YOU feel you have to put that aside and do what is best for your DC. A child having contact with a convicted paedophile and sex offender will NEVER been in the childs best interests and I'm frankly shocked you would even consider it given how he views children. Generally paedophiles don't view their own differently.

There is an awful lot of the word 'I' in your posts. About what YOU feel and how YOU have coped. Please stop and think about your DC. I can't begin to understand what this is like for you but I cannot think contact would be a good idea.

But there is no future in this relationship for her if you allow contact.

You are setting yourself up for years of no daddy can't come to your party, he can't be around children. No, daddy can't go to your concert at school. Remember I said he can't be around children? No, daddy can't take you to McDonalds or the park. Remember I said he can't be around children? No, you can't go to daddy's house. He is on the sex offender's register and cannot be alone with a child.

How do you think she will process all of that? And when her schoolfriends find out what he is?

It sounds like you feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for your child instead.

Would you do anything for your child to make sure she is protected where ever possible? Do you want her to have as stable as possible up bringing free from emotional distress? If so keep her away from a paedophile.

Have you thought in a few years time if her friends and their parents find out about her fathers convictions and they know she has contact do you think they will want their children to socialise with her at the risk dad might be there or turn up? Do you want that for her?

Cut contact with this vile twat completely. Neither of you need him or to be associated with him. I wouldn't have stood by you if you were my friend and had still had contact with him

I think you will find that the ones who are judging you are doing so because they do know all about it.

You have made poor choices in the past, you now have the chance to make the right decisions now. Get it right.

My Ds has not had contact with his dad since 3 ,6 years ago. I am pleased to be honest...For very different reasons he was never going to be able to see my DS unsupervised. He was never going to have the father he imagines now.

The fact my Ds was so young has meant he has been able to accept it was not his fault..He has never blamed me for what its worth. I have lots of documented evidence I keep in case Ex ever takes me to court or my DS .

I think we are brainwashed into thinking a child needs a relationship with both parents...Yes of course when parents just don't love each other, have an affair this is nothing to do with the child. But some people are toxic... There are people you know who you wouldn't let within a million miles of your DC. It doesn't change because they provided the sperm.. This man cannot give your DD what she needs from a father. In fact he is a danger.. I think the fact you were so sucked in would concern me how objective you would be able to be and I also see both of you would be vulnerable..

I would not even be having the discussion.. the answer is no and block.

"He on the other hand seems to think he is hard done by, that it's all ridiculous and that I am unreasonable to stick to the rules the SS have laid down".

He is already planning on having physical contact with her and intends to talk you around until you allow it. And then Social Services will decide that you can't keep your daughter safe and will remove her from your care. It is that serious. Wake up.

He is a child sex offender.

A CHILD SEX OFFENDER.

How could you possibly think it's in your dd's best interests to have him anywhere near her?

FFS. He's not allowed be alone with her until she's 16. Does that not give you your answer??

Imagine him sitting there finding her sexually attractive. Do you want to risk that?

Look, you stood by him. Regardless of opinions, that's done now.

But don't force your dd to do the same.

Why do you think I have put this post up? Because I am struggling to make sense of it all.

Of course I put my DC's needs first, otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. Unfortunately, you tend not to meet people on the street who are in the same situation as me and it is difficult to find anyone who will give me an "independent" view.

I just want to do the right thing. I have been told by my solicitor that a court would not order "no contact" if he contested it, which he probably will if I tell him I don't want her to see him anymore. A court would probably grant a few hours supervised contact. So that would put me back where I am now, except that I do it voluntarily now and can dictate the frequency and an order would be more prescriptive.

I'm not judging you for your precious relationship with him.

But I do judge you now, when you're no longer in a relationship with him.

You'll never create a lovely daddy-daughter relationship and neither will he. It just isn't going to happen. Objectively, have a think about how it looks. How your dd will feel when she's older.

Okay so it seems your hands to an extent are tied he will be allowed supervised contact with your DD.

So it's a hobsons choice, the lesser of 2 evils.

TBH because you are struggling emotionally with having to have contact with him and so on I think I would stop voluntary contact and make him jump through the hoops, find a contact centre, pay for it, sort out a long term solution and so on.

I think this would create more distance, less opportunity for him to mess with you etc.

I'm not going to judge you for sticking by him at the time - abusers are controlling and cunning, it is easy to imagine him persuading you, in a compromised state, that things weren't that bad.

However.

You are now free from his daily influence. Understandably you won't be fully free of him. But you can put your child first NOW. And that means letting him have no contact with your child.

Think about some of the things you have said. It can't be in a children's center because he can't be near other children. How can you process that, whilst allowing him to be near your child?

Protect your little one.

Please stop contact.
Contact should be for the benefit of the child, and I doubt this is in her long term interest.

First my mother left my father when I was about 2, and I didn't have any further contact with him. I didn't hold it against her, and as far as I know there were no sex allegations involved. Just tell her her father has hurt other children ( which he has even if not directly), so it's safer for her to not see him. As she matures you can explain more. She will probably thank you for protecting her.

Second, it is unlikely he has changed. Especially as he is showing no remorse. He is very obviously still seen as a risk.

Third child sex abusers are very manipulative, even in high security places they have been known to access children/images. He could well manipulate you (he knows your weak spots), and could harm your child.