ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

[bizzybee1234]

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

This is a horrible situation, I understand you want to be seen to be making the right decision by your dc, but sometimes that is a tough and big decision that had to be taken to protect them.

Think carefully, he's a convicted abuser of children.

He uses contact to extend his vile abuse of you

That abuae will be extended to your dd. That's how common or garden domestic abusers work.

He's a sexual abuser on top of this, he sees children as sexual beings. That will never, ever change.

If you take the decision to remove contact, protect your child, remove PR and keep her safe, when the time comes that she is old enough to navigate life better, she can make a decision. The meantime may help him to seek treatment and make himself less of a danger.

You never know.

You simply can not allow a man this dangerous and abusive to remain in contact with your baby. You can't run the risk he takes her from school.

You need to be truly free to keep her safe. While the PR is in place, while contact is facilitated her safety is being eroded, the risk increases for her to be hurt or worse.

Take the decision to protect her. The rest will work itself out.

No child would ever blame their parent for preventing contact with a child abusers, and definitely not if you make this decision when she's 2.

"Sometimes people do things that are bad. We need to keep people who do bad things away from children and those who aren't big enough to protect themselves. When you are older, we can talk more, and I can answer all your questions in time, but I love you and it's my job to keep you and myself safe."

Sometimes it works if you ask a child if someone was mean to them would they still want to play with them. "Sometimes people can be mean in a way that is difficult to notice, but when you're older you'll understand"

"If your father was a proven paedophile sex offender, what steps would you have liked to be taken in your life? Perhaps these are the people you should seek advice from, as they have lived it too."

I am one of said people, except I grew up in a house with him. I have two things to say.

Firstly, I know a lot of adult survivors of abuse who resent their mothers for not protecting them, exposing them to abusers, etc. I do not know any who resent their mothers for protecting them from dangerous men.

Your job as a mother is to teach your child how the world works. What world do you want to give your DC? One where they are protected and do not need to be around criminals who will almost certainly find ways to abuse them? Or one where they don't matter?

Secondly, I really despair when people say: "In that situation, I would do x..." Because you wouldn't. In OP's situation you too would have been groomed and manipulated. Oh, sure, when it's not your life you can imagine you would react differently but you don't actually know that. Nobody does. You are right to question and challenge the OP, but saying you would do something different when you simply cannot know that is bullshit. You have not lived OP's life.

Please resist the temptation to respond insisting that you are different. That you would protect your child. You don't know.

Here's the thing: we'd all like to believe that in this situation we would act differently. That women who do not protect their children must be evil, selfish or stupid. Some of them are. But some of them have been gaslighted and manipulated to high heaven and you cannot know, from behind your keyboard, which is which. Furthermore, when you say "In your shoes I would have acted differently" it confirms for the OP that you don't understand their situation and they can't trust your advice.

So OP, I will say this to you instead: I am sorry you are in this situation but you need to take responsibility for your DC's safety and do everything in your power not to fall back under this man's spell. Nothing good will come of contact with him. It is very important that you prioritise values like 'sex offenders shouldn't be around children' over any arbitrary beliefs about the need to see someone because you happen to share their blood.

I know a number of survivors who were abused during supervised contact. It cannot be made safe. You MUST protect your daughter.

PS while I am happy to answer questions on this thread I do not feel comfortable being PMed about it. Thanks.

imiss

Completely agree with you. The father is abusive and has manipulated the OP to high heaven, hence why she doubts herself.

imiss excellent post.

Well said, imiss

I am a child of a sexually abusive parent. I'm nearly 40 and the scars are still there....

He will not change his views on his crime. He doesn't see them as a crime. Historic or relatively recent...

My dad doesn't either. I lied, others lied, he was a caring and loving man. He is a victim of my report to the police.

Your child looks to you for protection and safety. You must provide that above all else.

If you allow contact I assure you, social services will take an interest.

I will never be free of what happened to me. It affects all parts of my life despite counselling.

Please do not instigate contact. Please maintain a ring fence around your child. Not even 2 minutes run to the bathroom. Abusers are surprisingly fast.

If you want to PM I will answer questions.

Why on earth would your child hate you for keeping her from her father? Ever?

A child has the right to be loved and protected, but it does not mean s/he has to have a mother and a father. Either/Or/Both/Another. All good, so long as s/he is protected and loved.

When s/he is old enough to be told what her father is, she will be happy to have been kept from him. Protected from him.

I have absolutley no doubt. And neither should you, OP.

Cut contact, I think protecting your dd is key and doing it now is better than dragging it out. I cannot imagine the court ordering contact. You are doing the right thing moving away and changing your name.

ZOMBIE ALERT!! THIS THREAD WAS RESURRECTED BY A SPAMMER ALONG WITH OTHERS

I think you are within your rights to refuse contact. I personally would say I feel unsafe supervising. I understand that a child deserves to know their father but if and when your child is an adult they can make that choice. I’m not sure it is a safe option. I can understand why you feel torn. If it helps I have a friend as an adult her father was charged with indecent images. Social services called her and told her not to let him have contact with her children. She chose to cut him out of her life.

This thread is 6 years old!

I am still here, mostly lurking.

In case anyone is interested in what happened after 2016:

I allowed further supervised contact in which he broke the contact rules. Then he lied afterwards about it. He told me I was a bad person for making such inflammatory and false accusations.

I felt so out of control. I could not cope with this, knowing contact was wrong and feeling the courts would grant some contact if I pushed it that far.

I decided to push it that far and hope for best outcome.

I didn't agree to any more contact requests.

I started counselling

I moved to an undisclosed location

I wrote to him to say no more contact

Battle commenced.

He turned up at the old address and was incandescent I had moved without telling him.

He started legal proceedings.

I defended them. He didn't like what I said in my defence about him.

He withdrew his case, telling me that it was not because he had a weak case, but because I was mentally unstable and he cared so much for me, that he didn't want to push me over the edge WTAF. I was causing him so much harm, I had ripped his heart out, I wouldn't know what that feels like, as I don't have one. In fact, I am an unsuitable mother, whereas he is a reformed character, able to give better care.

He tried his best brainwashing techniques on me over many months. He eventually gave up when they didn't work.

I had a lot more counselling. It was horrendous.

fast forward

We have not seen him for many years. You were all right, my DD does not miss having a father. She has never had one. We have had age appropriate chats, but she doesn't know the full story.

She is happy. I am happy. We are safe. No men in our lives apart from one close relative.

He pays no CMS. There were birthday cards with "I love you and miss you so much, dream of being with you one day". They have stopped now, too.

I have re-read the thread. So many helpful and supportive comments. Thanks for those.

Some really hurtful ones, which still hurt. I get that some posters have their own back story and trauma, but that doesn't excuse bashing people when they are down. Channel that energy into supporting people to make the right decision, not to tell them they are unfit parents/monsters/whatever.

I see this on so many threads. Let's be kinder to each other, please.

I know this is a zombie thread but thank you for your update. I'm pleased you're both doing so well. Your daughter will benefit from your strength.

No. You absolutely do not allow contact with your child, ever. I am astonished that you are justifying in your head why you should expose your dd to this creep even if contact would be supervised.

There is absolutely no benefit to your dd by having a relationship with him. In this scenario, no father is best. Having contact with him would be far more damaging IMO.

Just read the update (didn't realize this is an old thread and had only read the first page). OP if you are still reading at all, I am so glad that you and your dd are safe and that he is out of your lives. Well done for doing what you needed to do to protect her

Well done, OP. You did the right thing. It sounds extremely difficult and I'm glad you are now in a better place.

RTFT

The Court, and all relevant agencies have assessed the risk to your child. That is why no unsupervised contact and no physical contact are specified. The range of sexualising offending against children is quite broad. It can be the case that the Offender is allowed to live at home with the children. In this instance this is not being suggested. It cannot happen until she is 16 years that she can receive physical affection from her father etc because the level of risk he poses is deemed to be high risk.

Why don't you discuss it with a social worker and someone from the Contact Centre. No reason why you cannot at least try to establish something of an appropriate relationship with the Dad.

Well done, Op. I hope he has no way of contacting you now.

RTFT

What he did wasn't that bad and he had changed!

What on earth! Even a consideration to harm a child would be enough!
Your judgement is so far off, how can you make a sensible decision about your DC.

Sounds harsh but staying with a man with child offences and that cannot even have physical contact or be around other children must have done some pretty bad stuff!! To even consider putting your child near that is crazy.

It would be so damaging to your child. Having no dad in my opinion would be less damaging and I'm usually all for children having a relationship with their parents

I'm so confused, if you don't HAVE to give this bike man access to your child why would you? Just cut contact what possible good could it do your child? Unless I've misunderstood and you have to give him access? No way would I knowingly let a nonce near my child whatever their familial relationship.

I should have read the whole thread first, sorry I didn't realise it was 6 years old but actually it's really nice to see it all worked out in the end and you're both safe and well so that's a nice start to the morning! Well done OP 👍

Well done OP, you went into battle with a master manipulator, that took incredible strength, you should be really proud of yourself. Your little one is lucky to have you x