ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

[bizzybee1234]

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

HUSKYLOVER1 has it spot on .

You stood by a child sex offender? Just Wow

For those posters piling in to sit in judgement on the OP with your 'no way I would ever' and your 'just wows' what exactly are you trying to achieve?

These kind of remarks are fuck all help.

MN is meant to be about being supportive.
This is about more than just the OPs welfare and definitely worth a bit more than telling the OP that you wouldn't do something that has already been done and cannot be changed.

So for the sake of the OPs dc could you possibly come up with something a bit more constructive or nothing at all

I'd try to prevent contact honestly.

I can't see how the LA can force you into a room with someone you do not want to be with. It's not legal surely?

So for the sake of the OPs dc could you possibly come up with something a bit more constructive

Don't willingly expose her to a paedophile.

Yes well, there is some advice, but I do hate the pillory here. Of course, hipothetically, none of us would have got into this situation in the first place, but then hipothetically I would never have stayed a minute longer the first time my ex hit me, but I did.

The OP was confused about whether her child needs to have a relationship with her father, I think there is a 100% agreement that this is not in the child's interests. Then her other problem is that her solicitor believes she will be forced to establish this relationship. I think the best advice is to withhold contact and get better legal advice.

bizzy I have been in a similar situation with a DD 18months old.

My ExP had a mental breakdown following an online addiction to porn which became seriously unhealthy.

It culminated in a psychotic break with 'voices' telling him he wanted to abuse our daughter.

I threw him out but was left with the same dilemma. He wasn't prosecuted for his online activities. It was all 'legal' but frankly immoral.

I involved social services. He was assessed as a potential risk. I was told if unsupervised access occurred my DD would be on the at risk register. We didn't meet contact centre criteria and SS weren't interested in facilitating contact only that they believed contact was in DD's best interest

In the end (and I still struggle with this) he has supervised contact provided by me and my parents. He has had extensive therapy, medication and addiction counselling. He could tell me it was a mental breakdown and he is 'better' until the end of time and I wouldnt trust him.

He has a good relationship with DD she enjoys seeing him. As she gets older it will be harder. I will always doubt my decision and question myself. But he did not commit an offence, and he has repeatedly expressed remorse, shame and disgust at his behaviour. He is always careful not to push the boundaries and is incredibly aware of how lucky he is to still have some form of contact.

I wish you well, no one should have to face these choices. I feel that SS should play an active role in supporting parents in these situations.

You need to tell SS that for the sake of your mental wellbeing you cannot be in any kind of contact with this man after you have realised that he has been emotionally abusing you for years (everything you have described about his behaviour is abusive) so contact cannot EVER be supervised by you. If the contact centre don't allow sex offenders to attend and to be supervised through a third party then contact cannot happen.

As pp have said, do the freedom programme, change yours and DCs name, change your phone number and email addresses. Your DC does not need this man as his father, he is the very worst kind of role model.

Even if he never reoffends in abusing another child, I would still worry that his emotional abuse, manipulation and minimising his crimes will make contact damaging to your child. I worry that he will push at your boundaries and convince you to give him another chance- he is a skilled manipulator and he knows your vulnerabilities, I really worry that at some point in the future he will convince you to let your guard down, even if you are certain now that will never happen.

In your position I would want to stop contact. Can you do this in reality?

Ask your Solicitor and/ or social worker what would happen if you refused to have contact with your ex yourself? Would contact then be off? Would a contact centre or another relative supervise instead? If he had contact at a contact centre would 'good behaviour' lead to unsupervised contact, or is that off the table due to his offences (I would sincerely hope so).

If you don't have the option of stopping contact, I would make contact as difficult as you can, whilst not breaking the rules so that you don't get criticised by SS/ the Court. Don't give him any flexibility, see him as little as you can, don't make it easier for him, and definitely report any concerning behaviour or missed contact. Hopefully he will lose interest, or at least the relationship will be a lot weaker for infrequent contact.

Name changed for this.

OP, my ex sounds very similar to yours. Manipulative, controlling...and also a sex offence conviction.

Our story is slightly different - SS never recommended that I supervise contact, although they were still pro - supervised as they didn't believe ex would abuse his own children. He was granted supervised contact by a family court - the nearest level 2 contact centre being 100 miles away. We still had to go as it was a court order.

Supervised contact cannot be funded for long and is always working towards unsupervised - so after a period of time he got a small amount of unsupervised contact on the condition that the children were told (by a professional designated by the court) about his sex offences so that they could "keep themselves safe". My children were in their latter years of primary school at the time.
Gradually contact built up from a few hours supervised to overnight stay. And this was the point it started to break down.
The children became immensely paranoid around their dad, armed with the knowledge they had been given. I still had to send them as it was court ordered.
It all culminated into an incident, which may have been innocent - but scared the children to the point they told a neutral person who then reported a safeguarding issue.
This got back to my ex - who then got angry and refused contact with them anymore - blaming me for it all in the process.

I guess what I am trying to reiterate to all those criticising the OP, and saying that "you cannot have children round a sex offender" is that courts see differently. Courts are about keeping contact with all parties. And the longer a case stays within a family court, the more historical the sex offence becomes - to the point it doesn't really matter. Particularly if the offence didn't affect the child directly.

Courts don't care about manipulative, controlling behaviours between a couple. It is purely about the interests of the child.

My children are now much older and struggle with what they know about their dad. He disgusts them. They feel as if they are always hiding a secret from their friends. They dread anybody finding out. They hate him and ignore contact with any family members from that side. Of course, ex and his family hold me purely responsible for the children's attitude, as none of them can see any wrongdoing .

OP, sorry I can't offer much comfort - what you are going through really resonates with me and I'm not sure you will get much empathy on here. It is definitely a situation that people can say what they would theoretically do - but nobody knows until they are going through it. It is made harder when officials are dictating your actions - even if it goes against your better judgement.

Keep strong OP - I remember years of feeling desperate and drained - but I've come through the other side and have a whole new life now.

anon that is so unfair your children and you were put through that

And yet other people I know have not seen their kids for years because everytime they tried to get contact their ex moved house. The police and courts had no interest in compelling her to attend and yet they will force contact with a sex offender.

Hi, I worked with sex offenders and am puzzled about social services saying up to you to decide. How can you make an informed decision without full information about his offences (what he actually did, not what he got convicted of). Was it multiple offences, more than one child, what age range, did he complete treatment, what is his risk of reoffending now? If no contact with other children under 18, why enable contact with your child and would you know and understand if he started verbally grooming the child? A chat with NSPCC sounds like a good idea. Good luck!

Crossed with anon's wise post. Good advice.

Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents

She will blame me at some point for cutting off contact

Oh My God. I've read all your posts. He's a manipulative narcissistic child abuser - your words. He's not allowed to touch his dd until she turns 16... Genetics don't mean shit in this case. PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM THIS HORROR. I am certainly not going to give you a 'good girl' pat on the head for spouting crap about a child having the right to know their father. Cut all contact now before she can build a bond with him. When she turns 18 you can tell her all about him, every detail, and she can decide if she wants to know him. But don't put a vulnerable child through this. He can still cause harm without laying a finger on her. Don't let it happen.

But anon the contact isn't yet court ordered. OP is voluntarily doing this.

waltermitty
Yes, I am aware of that. But should OP 's ex go to a family court for contact - which I would imagine he would - then she will be looking at contact of some kind.

I think OP is being realistic in giving him contact.

smalllegs When I look back, it was very shocking and I don't know how I got through it. It was an absolute eye opener, and after spending 5 horrible years in the family court system I now feel fully conversed in family court logic. (Which seems to defy any other logic .) Thankfully now I'm in a really good place, and I feel so far removed from my life back then, that I can't believe what we went through.

I'm wondering if it's possible that this paedophile's parents might be asked to supervise any court-ordered contact?

I don't know what you meant, Bizzy, in saying that they're "not suitable" ... but if there's any suggestion of danger from them (minimizing his offences, perhaps?) it might be something you'll want to factor into your decision

One other thing to consider, at the moment you can control what happens, but 10 years down the line? When he's had years of drip feeding to your DC that it's so unfair they can't see each other properly... Then he'll be suggesting that they bunk off school to meet him, or lies to you about going out with their mates. Maybe he wouldn't abuse his own child, but would he draw the line at one of their friends?

I think you need to look for a really good solicitor to get proper legal advice. Is it possible to get PR revoked? Do whatever you can to get him out of your lives. Also, and I don't mean this unkindly, you need to look at ways to reset your 'normal' before you end up in an unhealthy relationship with another manipulative man.

I think you are hanging on to the idea that your child does need a father.
That implies that his biological procreator is father material. In your case he isn't. In fact he is a danger for your DC. The ideal father that you wanted and dreamt of is just not here.
Instead you have a scumbag who is already willing to start the grooming process. Why oh why on earth would you encourage any contact with him? Give him a restraining order and put your child first! There are no emotional ties between the baby and the dad yet. No need to create any. Just ditch the w, delete, block and move on.

Having read through this post I would not let him see your child under any circumstances, no judgement at all just keep her safe from him he doesn't sound like a person anyone would want around their child

I expect the OP has, herself, been groomed by this man. Op, p,ease seek support and counselling so that you can view this with a healthy mind

I have been in your position OP, after my ex and I had been divorced for several years he was pleaded guilty of grooming after a plea bargain with the CPS. He was very lucky as he was guilty of much worse but the victim refused to testify.

I refused to supervise any contact as I did not feel it benefited my DC in any way, I was also not prepared to spend any time in his company.

I told social services and ex if he wished to pursue contact then he would have to sort it out via a contact centre.

That was nearly 9 years ago and we have never heard from him since. No telephone calls, no Birthday/Christmas cards, no child support.

Not once have I ever regretted my decision. I have always offered DC my full support if they wished to find him when they were adults.

DD is now an adult at university. At 16 the first thing she did was change her surname. Now at 19 she is grateful I refused to facilitate contact and is repulsed by his behaviour. She views my ex as her biological father but in no way views him as her dad. She has never questioned my decision and totally understands all choices I made were in her and her brothers best interests and to protect them both.

Sometimes dc need to be protected from their own parents. It would be better to do it now when than when she is older and will find it more upsetting.

My children have chosen to cut contact with their dad since they were 8 & 9. I am likely to try to have PR removed as he uses it to pull my chain. We went to court 2 years ago and they spoke to judge.

Worse case scenario:

If I loose in court, the kids will be ordered to have contact with him. The kids will refuse to go and I will refuse to comply. The judge was clear the last time we went to court the police are not going to turn up to rip them away from me.

He will then have to take me back to court. This will all take time and money. The kids will then be nearing 13 and free to choose.

Their Dad is horrible but he is not a child sex offender. You almost definitely over thinking this. Stop contact now. If he wants to take you to court he can. Worse case scenario from court will be better than current situation.