Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

182 replies

bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 20:56

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 26/04/2016 22:09

I think you need a new solicitor. I know a monster who is definitely 'no contact' and he has never laid a finger on a child as far as the courts know anyway..

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/04/2016 22:10

He on the other hand seems to think he is hard done by, that it's all ridiculous and that I am unreasonable to stick to the rules the SS have laid down.

This is jim pushing your boundaries.
He will keep pushing and pushing and pushing.

You say that knowing he is coming makes you down for days.

So this is not good for you and not good for your dd.

Contact is for the benefit of the child.
She has far more to lose from this than gain.

Whilst it may be plausible he would get a few hours supervised contact I don't think the court can force you to be the one who supervises it, especially not if you get evidence from a gp that it is affecting you badly. Also tell them he complains about the restrictions so you don't think he intends to stick to them.

Look at it this way, if you stop contact and he goes to court and gets a few hours you are no worse off but if his contact gets stopped or is supervised by SW you are better off. Plus you and DD will get a break whilst it hoes through court.

Do you really want 14 years of forced this?

And you will have to watch like a hawk once she is older to make sure he isn't contacting her via social media etc.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 26/04/2016 22:10

And look into getting some support from a domestic violence team for some recovery help.

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 22:12

I can't see why this is even a consideration to you but I do know someone who was in a very similar situation as you - my neighbour. Much to my utter disgust she went on to marry her convicted child sex offender partner - despite knowing of his conviction, despite her having a 10yr old and a 15 yr old (previous relationship) in the house. He disappeared a few years ago and I later found out he'd been convicted of sexual abuse to children related to her. It took him doing it to children related to her before she cut him out of her life - that could be you if you continue even considering it.

Primaryteach87 · 26/04/2016 22:16

I can't imagine that contact could be anything other than deeply harmful to your dc and you. This man is a predator and has abused children. I would see it as my job to keep him as far from my child as possible!

FrogFairy · 26/04/2016 22:16

I am stunned that social services would condone this contact. They should be supporting you in keeping your daughter safe. While a child has a right to a relationship with both parents in cases like this it is not in the child's best interest at all.

Hell would freeze over before I would facilitate my child seeing and becoming attached to a convicted sex offender. I suspect your gut instinct must be telling you the same but you have been so ground down by him that you are doubting yourself.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2016 22:17

This isn't about him

This isn't even about you

This is about your child. No father is better than a sexual abuser of children...historic or not

Take that final step and cut all contact. You are still in his thrall if you think your precious child "deserves" a relationship with a man like this and I don't think you can trust yourself never mind him

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 22:17

When your DD is at school and parents find out who her father is and she has contact what do you think will happen to her then? If there is no contact and never any mention of a DF that is less likely to happen.

I'd go as far as changing names as well so there is absolutely no association with him. Even if it is not legally ( I doubt he would allow a legal name change by the sound of it) there is nothing stopping her 'being known as' another name.

Original poster
bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 22:19

Thanks SmallLegs, that is really helpful

I think you have pretty much hit the nail on the head. He has always pushed at boundaries and over time, I have lost the ability to see where the boundaries actually are (I mean generally, not in relation to his offences). This break-up is pretty recent and my mind is still spinning. I can't make sense of any of it.

If you have never had your mind screwed around with, you cannot understand what it is like. You can judge me all you like. I posted on here for help getting my thoughts straight, not to be made to feel even more of an idiot.

OP posts:
Salene · 26/04/2016 22:19

I'm sorry NO god No a beast like that near your child, I'm sorry but that's what he is. Scum

No way in a million years would he get near my child

Your job is to protect your child even if that means you are protecting them from a parent

Keep him well away from your child. When they are old enough you can explain the reasons why.

It's his fault his child won't be part of his life not yours, he is the one who commited the crime.

wickedlazy · 26/04/2016 22:20

Could she resent you one day for being cheery and facilitating contact with a convicted pedophile? Could you take him to court to block access? Convicted pedophiles don't see children as children, they see them as objects to be used. Once you cross that line I don't think there's any coming back. I didn't think ss would allow access. Do his family still associate with him?

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 22:22

Despite all the posts OP which are very direct but also objective you still seem indecisive and considering it?

This is your precious child!! She can't protect herself so you must.

Kidnapped · 26/04/2016 22:23

It's unlikely that he would go to court. I'm guessing his last experience of the court system was not a happy one. Even if he does get supervised contact, then let SS figure out exactly how they are going to manage that. The law cannot compel a parent to supervise child contact with a child sex offender.

And if he does go to court, tell him that you will let every single person in the local area know what he did. Go to the Daily Mail if you have to.

Oh, and I'd be moving far, far away. Immediately.

Original poster
bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 22:24

I am definitely going to change both our names. Through the courts if necessary.

People will inevitably find out and it will be difficult for her. I don't want her to know about what happened before she has reached the age when she knows not to go round telling people "my daddy is a really bad man".

OP posts:
Original poster
bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 22:28

We have already moved far away.

He was already in the Daily Mail.

I am not indecisive. I know what I want to do (which is no contact), but I wanted to hear other people's views to ensure that my gut instinct is right and I have considered every aspect.

OP posts:
MrsGradyOldLady · 26/04/2016 22:28

I think you're still in love with him. Do you? I don't think you're over him anyway.

You really need to put some distance between you. Have you spoken to any professionals about this?

Kidnapped · 26/04/2016 22:28

And if you cut him out now she won't have to go around telling anyone that her daddy is a bad man.

At her age she'll soon forget about him. As she should.

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 22:28

People always do find out. To add if you were my sister or friend or a school mum who I knew was allowing her child contact with her convicted father I would report you to social care in a heartbeat. There are many others like me around too.

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 22:29

IMO you need to stop contact with him yourself. Change numbers and any orders in place to prevent contact.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2016 22:30

Well, her daddy is a very bad man.

And you are voluntarily putting her in his path.

ChicRock · 26/04/2016 22:31

He has history for pushing your boundaries such that you supported and stood by him despite him bring a child sex offender.

He is already working on pushing your boundaries with regards to contact.

You sound too weak to put up any real objections and I'd bet that within a couple of visits he'd have the kids sitting on his knee, etc.

I think it's best you refuse any contact and make him jump through any and every legal hoop you possibly can.

Buzzardbird · 26/04/2016 22:32

You don't need to go through the courts to change your name. You can simply use new names and inform the banks etc that is your wish. The more low key you make it, the better.

Remember that she is 2, if you cut contact now she will never remember that you took her there. This is your chance to wipe the slate clean.

Sex offenders are master manipulators, he has manipulated you enough so that you don't know which way is up. Look at your replies on here. Not one poster has advised that you allow contact. We have not been manipulated by him.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/04/2016 22:33

This isn't her shame or yours OP.

But yes tell her whatever is age appropriate and the least damaging.

But really lots of kids do fine without their dads.

And yes I do know what it is like to have someobe who can manipulate you and make you feel guilty. It is because you are a decent person.

But make no mistake he is not a decent person. A decent person would:

  • not have done what he did.
  • have bowed out for all the reasons above such as not bringing shame on her, not giving her a dad who cannot be near her school, her friends etc.

You can keep her away from him.
I doubt the courts can or will force you to supervise so I suggest you call his bluff and go down that route.

It may be worth contacting WA to see if they can recommend a sol who specialises in this and who can give better advice.

Also doing the Freedom Program wouldn't hurt. It will help strengtyen you against his bullshit.

Original poster
bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 22:35

I am not in love with him anymore, I loved a person who has turned out not to exist.

He has PR for her, so I have to tell him when I take her abroad, which I have done a few times. Apart from that , I never contact him. He contacts me and I rarely respond.

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/04/2016 22:35

know what I want to do (which is no contact), but I wanted to hear other people's views to ensure that my gut instinct is right and I have considered every aspect.

Not one person has disagreed with your gut instinct. Smile Flowers so go for it. Fight for nc.

Your dd will thank you in the end and it will make your life better too.