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Original poster

ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

182 replies

bizzybee1234 · 26/04/2016 20:56

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 26/04/2016 23:37

I fully appreciate what you are saying bizzy, but my experience was completely different. A previously convicted paedophile, that I know well, unfortunately, was released from prison, got a job next to a day nursery, had a camera and a computer and wasn't 'caught' again for another 10 years whilst he went about as normal and continued his abuse. He has been released a second time now and is given, even now, enough rope to go back to what he was doing. There are not the resources to follow these people around and constantly check on them, and they know that. They learn a lot whilst they are in prison.

I wish it weren't true.

forumdonkey · 26/04/2016 23:47

OP you may feel it's harsh but the fall out in years to come would be a greater detriment to your DDs emotional wellbeing and that's not considering the risks. IMO and if I was in your shoes and with my experience I would go NC while she is this young. It's through a professional rather than a personal experience I say this btw.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/04/2016 23:51

I think you have bern given two unplrasant choices here. But one is clearly the lesser of two evils.

What children really need is positive role models of both genders. Theere will be other more suitable men in your DDs life who can be her positive male role model.

And she has you.

She'll be fine.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/04/2016 23:51

And you can do FP on line.

HeddaGarbled · 26/04/2016 23:57

I don't think she will blame you. Not when she understands the true facts, though I completely appreciate how difficult it will be for you to decide how and when and how much to release information to her. Poor little thing. Poor you. Flowers Do you have a Social Worker to give you advice about how to explain this to her in the future?

Social Services say that contact must be supervised by you and you alone. LA (what's that? Local Authority? Is that the same as Social Services?) say that it is up to you. I think they are ducking out of their responsibilities. How about you say to them that you are not able to supervise contact any more. You are not stopping contact you are just stopping supervision of it. If they and/or your ex don't come up with alternative arrangements, well then they have stopped the contact, not you. I don't see why you should take the entire responsibility for this situation when he's the criminal and Social Service are dictating the conditions of contact.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/04/2016 00:03

Cutting contact with a parent is a pretty harsh thing to do (even if it is outweighed by the dangers of maintaining contact). It will have an emotional impact on her, and part of my consideration is how to do that in the best possible way.

But YOU are not cutting contact. Her father cut contact by being a child sex offender. He did things which left it impossible for any woman to give him contact with his child. Stop looking at this as something you are imposing on your dd and recognise that it is something HE has imposed by his actions. Whether it is harsh or not, it has already happened.

And leaving everything else aside, it is highly likely he will reoffend and end up in prison again - how will explain that to her if you have faciliated contact?

Atenco · 27/04/2016 01:58

Just to reassure you, OP. My father emigrated when I was four and I didn't see him again until he visited when I was eleven. I really don't think I suffered hugely from his absence. And it is not as if your dd is used to spending time with a loving father around.

Take the freedom programme and hopefully you will meet someone nice to be her step-father.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/04/2016 02:42

Take the freedom programme and hopefully you will meet someone nice to be her step-father.

Seriously. Do a program and then you can pick a nice man to be stepfather? This mother stood by a man who was convicted and sent to prison for child sex offences . Loads of "nice" men out there who are equally as bad. and it is clear the OP has no filter/ defence against such men.

the LAST thing she should be considering right now is ever bringing a man into her daughter's life unless she can be sure her own issues are dealt with sufficiently that she now can choose the right person and also say no to the wrong person.

The OP has been really defenceless against a sex offender. Not sure why. Interesting that she only got energised when he was unfaithful to her.

0palfruit · 27/04/2016 02:54

STOP CONTACT.

Your hands are tied? Doubt it. Sounds like an excuse to me.

Your 2 year old is noticing other kids have dad's? Again another excuse. Plenty of kids don't have dad's in their lives. This dad is one your daughter can certainly.do without.

There is no grey area here. Stop contact with this man.

sofato5miles · 27/04/2016 05:30

Bizzyb, I feel for you as you seem to be so close to it, you can't see the wood for the trees.

If your father was a proven paedophile sex offender, what steps would you have liked to be taken in your life? Perhaps these are the people you should seek advice from, as they have lived it too.

Penfold007 · 27/04/2016 06:36

OP your H is a convicted paedophile who shows no remorse or understanding that what he did was wrong. He is trying to persuade you to go against SS guidelines, I'm sure you understand that this can have serious consequences.
A common way paedophiles work is by grooming and that often includes grooming the mother. You have been groomed a programme such as the Freedom Programme might be very useful for you.

PhoenixReisling · 27/04/2016 07:32

If he had been with your DD 24/7 since birth (like you), then there would be some upset. However, in her short life he has been in prison and the amount of contact has been minimal.

What I am trying to say is, that stopping contact won't have a big impact on her. Remember there are plenty of children, who grow up without fathers, who don't blame their mothers.

As for explaining this to her, well you tell her in an age appropriate way and also when she asks IYSWIM. You can say that not all daddies live with their children (use examples of friends etc) and that if they are a way they may not see them for a long time. That's it. A child of two, will accept this.

I would like others have said, go back to SS and say you can no longer can facilitate contact (and why the hell should this responsibility fall on you).

I would also do the freedom programme and also see if you can have some counselling/therapy.

PhoenixReisling · 27/04/2016 07:34

Also, change phone numbers, email address, move and possibly apply to court about having his PR removed so that you can go abroad if you want to.

MrsGradyOldLady · 27/04/2016 08:02

I didn't know you need permission to travel abroad. I've taken all 3 of my children abroad many times without their father and have never been stopped. I do have the same surname though so maybe that's why. Plus haven't really travelled much outside of Europe. Passport control has always seemed so busy wherever I've been that I don't think they'd know who was travelling with who - ie the older 2 have quite often gone through a different gate to me.

Could you apply to have parental responsibility removed? I don't want to sound dramatic but what would happen if you died? Would he get custody?

2flyforwifi2 · 27/04/2016 08:09

PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. She does not deserve to be around a convicted paedophile! It is your job to protect her from people like him. It does not matter if he is her father.

You seriously need some therapy.
Being convinced by your ex that what he has done isn't that bad (he went to prison, he's on the sex offenders list) says more about your state of mind than his. Your daughter will gain nothing but misery from being involved with this man.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2016 08:18

You do need therapy. Extensive therapy.

You had every opportunity to keep this man out of your child's life from day one. But you chose to keep contact with him.

For your benefit.

You need help figuring out why you want this man in your life.

aprilanne · 27/04/2016 08:24

there is no way while i was still breathing that any paedophile would be near my child thats what he is no excuses .i would never have let him near her ever but now i would just explain that daddy is a very bad man and she cant see him .and explain things when she is older .better no father than a scumbag like this .i cant believe you have let him near her in the first place .

squeezed · 27/04/2016 08:26

bizzy You and your daughter have been put in a difficult situation and I think that you need support with it. The reality is, that contact is not always stopped in these situations and you need to navigate the system. I'm not saying that this is right, but it is the reality when assessed as low/medium risk. I would suggest speaking with SS and mentioning all your concerns regarding contact. If the solicitor thinks that he will get contact through court, then you taking control with SS would be best for you because you can better tailor it to you. This includes a very clear agreement of what is expected of him. If he tries to manipulate it, then you have the backup of saying to him about the agreement. Also you can report back to SS about any attempts to break the agreement or if he says anything he shouldn't. The freedom programme doesn't deal with the specifics of this situation but some LAs have workers who can help you to support your daughter and how to talk to her about the situation.

DrMorbius · 27/04/2016 09:38

You do need therapy. Extensive therapy. You had every opportunity to keep this man out of your child's life from day one. But you chose to keep contact with him.For your benefit. You need help figuring out why you want this man in your life

^^ This. Frankly speaking your child would be better without you or the father in their life. As above - what person continues a relationship with a convicted, child sex offender???
Society is wrong for letting a person like that keep a child. You need to get help to take a long cold hard look at yourself.
My god the thought of you facilitating your exH (in a few years) to attend kids birthday parties with you, sends a cold shiver down my spine.

horseygeorgie · 27/04/2016 10:50

Paedophiles may or may not re offend, but they will ALWAYS think of children in the same way. Even if they aren't abusing/viewing images/taking photos, they are thinking of children in a sexual manner. Hell would freeze over before I let a man I knew looks at children like that anywhere near my DD.

Buzzardbird · 27/04/2016 11:04

This is useful information to remember.

reoffenders

Claraoswald36 · 27/04/2016 13:31

If this was me I would my precious child a life free from this man. And myself. Cut him out and move on. Sure she might ask questions when she is older to which you confidently reply 'I made a decision to keep
You safe and give you the normal life you deserve with me'

HuskyLover1 · 27/04/2016 13:48

You're not going to like what I have to say, but, I am very concerned at this boy being raised by you.

If your ExH hadn't had the affair, he would be living under your roof, with full access to your child, as we speak. This speaks volumes about your inability to choose men wisely. You knew full well, that he had abused children, and you thought he was worth standing by. This is disgusting and plain wrong and I am aghast at how you came to this decision, especially as you are a mother yourself.

I fear that this lack of judgment/low self esteem on your part, may well lead to you allowing another abusive man in to your life, and this man will certainly have access to your child. How many times, do we hear of children that are abused/killed by their Mothers boyfriends?

JenniferYellowHat91 · 27/04/2016 14:08

I thought that cutting DS's dad out for being a fuckwit and a jackanory was a good enough reason - doing it because he's a sex offender shouldn't even need consideration.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2016 15:30

I can't quite imagine sticking by a man who is sexually attracted to little girls but drawing the like when he engages in consensual sex with an adult.

It's such a skewed, concerning POV.

I reiterate my encouragement for you to seek help.