Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

[AlmostFreeMo]

Next Fred...

Radio and podcasts are excellent for when you've got other things to do and can't watch tv or read. Go check out the huge back catalogue of comedy on the radio 4 iPlayer - Cabin Pressure is uniformly brilliant and if you like the absurd, Bleak Expectations might hit the spot.

Sorry, been lurking for ages and that's the first constructive thing I've had to add to the discussion! Usually keep the posting space clear for those with relevant experience or advice. But I'm probably one of hundreds cheering you on from the stands.

I sat down for a minute last night thinking I had to get on with a few things, telling myself not to sit for too long, and then the next I knew, it was 1am and I woke up on the sofa!

Thank you for delurking, Mship - I am a huge radio fan too and that's often what I do, I usually prefer it to TV because you can do other things at the same time. I love all the panel shows and things, they are brilliant.

Orlanda, your horse joke is shocking

Akire your message stressed me (only joking) but seriously...think the problem is I have general stress now but I know next week I'll definitely be stressed because of a specific thing so it's all a lovely stress sandwich. FFS. I am trying my hardest to make a joke of it!

Joy,,,maybe when finally HMRC stop faffing about and give me a nice little back dated deposit I might feel a bit more secure. Just another frustration!

You know that jittery feeling you get when you've received an email/phone call you don't want to open or answer? Last time I opened an email from him it resulted in the worst panic attack I've ever had. He's sent a new one, I can see the first few words, but I just can't open it because it may spin me into a rage and panic and I can't handle that again. All I can see is the tone is the usual one - e.g. this is adequate there is no need for this and that you should be able to manage with this, etc.
Maybe now is the time to ask him to send emails to a third party. I cannot handle direct contact any more, my nerves can't take it any more.

I think you're right, it would be good to get them "censored" for want of a better word.

He will refuse to contact you via a third party because it would show up his shitty behaviour, so do you have a friend you can forward his mails to who will read them and then give you the basic info?

I just don't know about this. If I ask a friend to open and censor, she's still going to deliver the same news so I can't see how it would help, other than become dependent on her, and delay things.
He'll tell me to get lost if I tell him to email someone else. I just don't know what to say to him.
He's outright ignored my other emails (sent a couple with just my thoughts and ramblings - bad idea but I couldn't help it) and only addressing money related ones. I am so fucking tired of this. I know it's his only way left to control me, I KNOW this, it's his only trick in the book, I know it shouldn't affect me so much, I know what he's doing.

Have you asked the mediator if she has given him a time limit so that you can get moving on the house sale?

Any news on the benefits. I think those coming through will make a huge difference to you, you will no longer be relying on his "generosity".

I emailed her about that, but she's quite slow to get back to me generally.
Everything is bloody slow. Benefits still waiting. SCREAM.
Opened his email. I'm overdrawn now, told him I need more money for half term etc. and he's asking for breakdowns FFS he's such a nob none of this can be true. He's a figment of my imagination, right? I'll wake up tomorrow and he'll say hey love, what's the matter, did you have a bad dream?
Trying to breathe.

The sooner you can not be dependant on him for anything the better. That's the moment his power over you is gone

He knows how much it affects you. If he didn't he wouldn't get the enjoyment out of it.

The best advice I ever had with regard to my ex was to never let him see how much his behaviour affected me. That was hard I'm not going to lie, but it did actually work.

I would have plans for the weekend he was supposed to have the dc, he would then not have them, at the last minute. So I would arrange for alternative childcare every time, so when he predictably cancelled or let me down it didn't matter.

I know it's not as easy with money, but if he is denied the fallout from his actions it takes away his reason to do it. He's a cruel man and it's shocking that he gets so much out of making you and your dc suffer.

It is incredibly tempting to say ok forget it - you don't want to pay for your children as per the legal minimum? Fine! You can pay it later via CMS.

That is such good advice Dolly. It makes perfect sense. This is purely a power trip for him. Mood is lifting and fog is clearing all of a sudden. Weird I know.

I'll just use my overdraft and say fine. Those benefits will kick in soon.
I'm going to try to sort out some paid work too. Nothing much but a start and I can do this!
Thanks Dolly.

I absolutely agree with using the overdraft. Fuck it.

Actually I wouldn't respond to his email at all. What's the point? Just to say "fine"? Nah. Pointless.

It'll bloody kill him not getting a response at all.

Agree once you have benefits tell him you are not begging the kids will just go without until CMS can kick in and it's done directly so no contact. If he can get his rocks off knowing kids are not getting any money from him good for him! But then he will have no power day to day over you or control how where spend money. Should be decent back pay too. Shopping in another supermarket imagine that!

Hi Mo, I haven't been on for a while. I see you're still wading through treacle with your delightful exP. Pity you can't drown him in the stuff.

Sorry if I am repeating something that's already been mentioned but I'm not sure what the position is on mediation? He's clearly not playing ball, a deadline must be given to take that control away from him.

The trouble is he thinks he control of the purse strings is his absolute power, but you have more power than you think which will only get stronger once your claims have been processed. As your benefits are going through and with the history of FA you've reported can you not apply for a crisis loan or a community care grant? (I'm not an expert on these things so I apologise if it's not something that applies to you). Do you have a mortgage you can withdraw any equity from?

Regarding his correspondence, does he know you've filed a claim for CM? If so tell him that what he thinks he should pay is irrelevant, and his wanton FA is why you have ended your relationship. What he is obliged to pay is out of his control now, according to the CMS calculator he MUST pay you £XXX amount per week and you are not obliged to provide receipts for this. Keep repeating this message and stop any other form of contact - he's not going to change is he, you provide receipts he FA's you. You don't provide receipts he FA's you. He is a deluded fool.

Elspeth - do you know how long it's been since I've been able to just say "fuck it!"? Well now is the time. She says while in a good mood. I'd forgotten what it's like - since I quit work - those days when I used to say those shoes are bit too expensive. FUCK IT! I want them.
But it feels right. And it feels even righter (don't even care if that's not a real word) to not even acknowledge his email. I'll leave him wondering why I've not come back on my hands and knees begging my master.

It's really hard Mo, I know, but don't give him ANY reaction. Keep with your usual requests for money with no emotion, just no response to the fuckwittery that comes back

I like the idea of a running total
That way when/if you get to court, the enormity of his financial abuse is clear to see.

I had no idea how empowering it would feel to just not give my ex the enjoyment of his fuckwittery. And you know he had tried and tried to offer his 'help' over the years, which once I agreed to. He was meant to take the dc to school in the morning as I had started a new job. He couldn't help himself but to refuse by the Friday in order to cause me agro.

Akire, have decided (for now) not to say anything so it'll just be up to him to figure out that the kids won't have any extra for half term or next few diary dates.
I just rebelled and made a quick dash to a different supermarket. I know how to rock and roll, clearly.

I don't understand why your income support/tax credits is taking so long?

You have phoned up as a single parent on what date? You still haven't received a penny?

I would be chasing this in case your claim has gone missing - it does happen and then it may not get back dated.

Would your parents loan you enough money to cope for several months knowing that you can get it back from the house etc?

TBH I would just stop communicating with him altogether - yes the DC will have to go without but I think it is your only way to gain back some control.

Again go back to the mediator and say that you are struggling to afford to eat and him delaying the process is not acceptable. That he is ramping up the financial abuse which proves that mediation is not appropriate in this situation and could she please sign you off.

I am so sorry and sad but he is not every going to play ball it will be the legal route and that alone.

Mo it just occurred to me that that card you have - we can get those through work. They're discounted, in that you get 10% off. So he's not even spending as much as what's on the card.

I'm loving your defiance!
One day you WILL laugh at your rebel Waitrose milk

Do you know what Dolly, it's not even 10%! It's a paltry 4% so a saving of a whole £3 a week! I probably pay that in petrol as this supermarket is further away.

Random - indeed there was a cock up with one of the forms so finally spoke to someone who figured out what it was and they are sending it to me. After that everything should fall into place.

I think the word tragicomic is apt here!

Or just plain old thick

Well that is good news I guess.

I really do despise that man for his behaviour.

I do think no longer emailing him at all about anything is the way to go. He'll put the usual on the card and in the account, see it as a bonus on top of your benefits until the proper CMS payments kick in. Once he's back in the UK getting a deductions order etc. may have to happen but it does all get back dated.

The day he lands phone up the CMS again and tell them that he is now in the UK and do they need to restart the claim as he is refusing to pay voluntarily etc.? I actually found the CMS good tbh but it's always worth asking - can this be confirmed in writing to me, what should happen next etc. Glitches do happen so you need to know your claim isn't falling between the gaps.

What are you going to do when he rocks up planning to live in the family home?

Mo, the AF in your name is now AhFuckit as and when appropriate.

Glad you chased.

And glad you liked Eric. I'll spare you the next horse joke till another time. But remember Eric for when you next get pissed with friends, not too long now..

Glad you are feeling fuck it! Says something once benefit kick in or before and use credit card that it's easier life to pretend he's dead or something because life is less stressful! Just imagine you one those single parents has no choice.