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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:58

I'm still hoping he does move out. And I think that is possibly what he would prefer to, in order to save himself from still living with me. If he does 'keep me updated' then I should be aware of his plans before Sunday.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 16:58

Doubt he could do that. Depends how the mortgage and bills are set up - you can look into all that.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 17:00

From your description of the set up it sounds like you are both responsible for the mortgage and aside from the car he is responsible for most of the bills. Which is good!

petalsandstars · 28/04/2016 17:01

Dump his crap and TV in the other room. Is there a cupboard you could move into the spare room for wardrobe - or the hall/lounge if needed? Cheeky fucker thinking he gets the flat for however long he likes. If you're in the area Friday I'd be sorting it out then whilst he's at work. He can go elsewhere if he chooses to.

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:02

No, he pays the mortgage from his bank account. I haven't made any personal payment to the mortgage aside from the deposit. It was always one that he paid.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 28/04/2016 17:02

In case he does move out, can he insist I pay for everything?

Yes technically he can if he is renting somewhere himself and has own bills.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 17:03

If he's working tomorrow I'd go round and move into the bigger room with ensuite and move his stuff to the small one. I would then organise a shower technician to replace the rubbish shower with a better (but still budget) one.

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:06

Im very concious that this thread is quickly filling up, and I don't want to lose such valuable followers to this whole disaster movie.
So I've made a follow on thread here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2625388-Going-out-of-my-mind-husband-leaving-left-thinking-pissing-about-PART-2?

OP posts:
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:11

The shower isn't the worst shower. But I prefer the bath shower. Both rooms are maybe about the same size.. but one obviously has a lot of storage whereas one has a fuckin huge tv and playstation shit everywhere.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 17:18

I agree with Cool. Theoretically he could do whatever he wanted, even if he stays. But by not paying (or helping to pay) the mortgage he would risk the flat being lost to foreclosure (and the resulting credit nightmare) if you aren't able to pay it yourself. Same for any other joint bills, he'd risk becoming a bad credit risk.

As far as the car, I know here (US) it's pretty hard to get rid of a car without losing money on the deal as they depreciate so badly. Most just end up selling for what they owe on it if they have to get rid because the payment is too high. But could you look into refinancing? My niece (again, US) just re-fi'd her car and cut the payment in half. Basically, for the same reason. She and her fiancé aren't getting along and she's making preparations for a potential change in her 'living arrangements'.

Maybe at this point it would be best to just assume the HH expenses are going to be handled as before, with him paying the lion's share. It would be better for you financially that way. Just be prepared for him to want to change things, especially if he sees it as a way to 'force' you to give up the flat to him.

You are sure that your name is on the mortgage and deeds, aren't you?

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:21

Yes yes, my name is on the mortgage and deeds. I would be losing so much money on the car, it already has debt from our last car transferred onto it as it was negative equity when we traded in.

OP posts:
UpsiLondoes · 28/04/2016 17:41

Can I just remind you this is a public forum which will remained cached on a server somewhere for all eternity Smile and all your posts are owned by mumsnet? Not to mention the daily mail often making articles out of posts here?
Maybe don't publish your word-for-word private conversations with your husband.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2016 17:42

Good point, Upsi

dilys4trevor · 28/04/2016 17:43

She can just ask mumsnet to move it to the 30s only days area. It won't be findable on Google

DMHiresIlleterates · 28/04/2016 17:47

Move back in to your home. Fuck him.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2016 17:50

It's not that one area that doesn't come up on google searches, Dilys

FantasticButtocks · 28/04/2016 22:56

I don't understand why he said yes about you coming home on Sunday and he could stay with his sister and then says he thought you were just going to pop in to get some stuff? Why would he need to make preparations and go to his sisters if he genuinely thought you were just picking up stuff instead of coming home? Confused

FantasticButtocks · 28/04/2016 23:21

Actually I think I'd just go home whenever I pleased and just throw his fucking play station out of the window - he is now sounding like a total knob.

it is unbelievable that he has done all this, and not once asked if you are ok after the devastation he has caused you. Do you actually still want him? Do you even love him? There hasn't been much talk of love or emotion.

mix56 · 29/04/2016 06:48

on Thursday he said you could pop by on Sunday, what's happening on Thurs/Fri/Sat ? I mean who has he got staying?
its your marital home, You don't need his permission.Just go round when you please know he is at work & have a look.
It sounds like he is fine, his social life hasn't stopped.
You are off work, in distress , in trouble with finances, still trying to discover if you can get pregnant. parents failing to support your wishes....
he is fine & dandy & allowing you to collect stuff in 4 days time.
btw, He DOES have options of where to go, if its while you collect stuff, there would be no need to avoid you, I mean you aren't the enemy. or he could go for a walk. or stay & simply try & talk to you.
If he doesn't want to live in the same place he can go to sister or parents, like you did. It is him after all who has checked out.

This feels like for him he is now free & single he isn't "thinking about things", he isn't thinking about you at all & enjoying living in his bachelor pad

LaConnerie · 29/04/2016 17:07

Just caught up with the thread and was going to pretty much say exactly what mix has...

Hope you're ok today garlic

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