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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 16:07

Garlic Just say again that due to your family's interference, it's become unsuitable to stay with them for any longer than a few more days and you will be coming home. If he wants to continue this break for 'thinking time', he needs to make alternative arrangements for where he will stay.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:07

'Oh well in that case ill have to get back to you that. I thought u needed things in the flat'

I replied: No I'm coming home. If you cant sort out alternative arrangements then we will need to arrange a suitable cohabiting agreement.

OP posts:
SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 16:07

Oh bloody hell. So he was going to allow you to go back Sunday to collect a few things. What the hell. I'm getting so angry for you... I'm sorry this man is such an arse... Why a bloody dick!!!!!!!! Garlic you're far too good for this man....

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 16:08

I'm sorry garlic Sad

He thought he'd gotten away with ending a marriage with barely a hair out of place.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:08

It's a two bed flat. Two bathrooms, so it's quite suitable for living together, but separately.

And he's replied
"oh well i'll try and sort something and get back to u soon as i can"

OP posts:
SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 16:08

If you only wanted to collect things he has no right to not allow you to till Sunday.. What a man child.

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:09

Bloody hell he has a cheek. I'm sorry, he's a dick.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:11

Don't be sorry. This is the first time I'm standing up for myself in this whole situation. He's going to see that he's not just going to get me to roll over and be able to have everything his way.

OP posts:
SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 16:12

Good for you garlic. You deserve so much better than this. I hope karma kicks him up the arse

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 16:13

I'm narked that he thought it was suitable to have you wait until Sunday to collect some things. I could understand maybe that he wanted a few more days before going to stay with his sister, but not just a 'well, you're not coming in' attitude when you jointly own the home.

Well done on putting your foot down, you're definitely not the type to let anyone walk over you and that's exactly how you should be.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 16:14

Well, hell. I think you need to impress on him that you have both the equal right to and the greater need for the flat because of the pressure your parents are putting you under and their threats to contact him.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell him that you are moving back on Sunday and that it is up to him to leave if he wants the space to think. It all depends on what works for you. Parental pressure and 'threats' to contact him vs living with him if he's copping an attitude. If it's a two bedroom flat, I'd probably move back even if it was a box room. If it's a one bedroom, that's a little trickier as it'd be hard to carve out private space for myself.

Perbsy · 28/04/2016 16:15

Blimey, who made him the boss, he doesn't get to tell you when you can live in your own home. I'd be back there tomorrow, cheeky bastard, and I wouldn't be giving him any warning either.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 16:15

Good for you garlic. How rude and selfish of him to assume that after his bombshell you would conveniently absent yourself from the property you co own!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:16

Pissed off now.

"So wait, you werent going to let me into my home on until Sunday to get things? Seriously?"

"Yeah if u want to pick up things fire away. thats what i thought u wanted at first"

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 16:17

Just ignore him for now and head back when you decide you're ready, at your convenience, you don't need his permission to return to your place.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 16:19

X post with you , OP. 'Sort something and get back to you'? The implication is that you're going to wait around until he does! Hell, no. Move back into the other bedroom. You are also free to return whenever you like, you don't have to wait until Sunday.

"Sorting something is up to you. I will be coming home on XXX-day whether you've sorted or not".

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:19

Ditto to moving back in tomorrow, preferably when he's back at work. Fuck Sunday for a game of soldiers. He's making this more difficult than it need be but he's got a massive attitude.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 16:22

You know, I'd avoid the phrase 'moving back'. Makes it sound as if you voluntarily gave up the flat to him, that you 'moved out', iyswim. I'd try to use phrases like 'coming back', 'returning to', words that make it clear you did not 'vacate', you simply 'stayed with the parents a few days'.

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 16:22

Just for his attitude I wouldn't wait until Sunday, I'd go home whenever you want without prior arrangement because as joint home owner, you're legally entitled to be in your own home. If he doesn't like it and wants more space, he knows where the door is. You've done your time out of the house.

He doesn't want to talk yet, that fine - he doesn't need to, I'd be in no rush to speak to him either. Fucking man child.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:23

"We both have equal rights to our flat, however I feel I have a greater need with the added pressures this is having on my family. If you don't have a suitable alternative then I have no issue with sharing, assuming we are both civilised to each other."

Thanks across.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 28/04/2016 16:23

sorry hes just done it for me! its YOUR flat too, he doesnt have ultimate say on when you come and go!
That would be it for me after that text, id be moving back in tomorrow and be there when he gets back from work. Set up your stuff in the spare room and spare bathroom, explain until this is sorted either way you will either have to cohabit, or he can move out. its his choice entirely but you are not being kept out of your own home. He needs to see this is not all his way, its a marriage that needs talking about, and decisions need to be made on both sides.

enfru · 28/04/2016 16:24

I wouldn't wait until Sunday. If there's a spare bedroom going I'd be having it tomorrow- unless of course he'd like to explain everything to your parents himself so that they lay off you?
It's your home too, you have every right to be living there.

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 16:24

Also, I wouldn't move into the other bedroom. Move his shit into the other bedroom. He probably doesn't want to be in the marital bed, in the marital bedroom reminding him of the marriage you imposed on him.

Maybe I'm just petty here, but I'm furious for you Garlic

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:28

He's sounding very much like an entitled bastard at the moment. HE's the one who has put the brakes on the marriage and he wants his cake too? I'd be raging.

My blood pressure's gone up on your behalf!

jbee1979 · 28/04/2016 16:28

Pack up your stuff and go back tonight, he's chancing his arm. You're both entitled to stay there, just treat it like a flat share as much as possible. Asshole! He's treating your home like his bachelor pad!! Get mad and stay mad - I've noticed how you're getting stronger in each post. You CAN do this.