I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

There's always a house share/lodger option if the worst comes to the worst. Your parents aren't being supportive - especially your dad. (and to the poster upthread, it's not generational.) I think what he said to you was horrible and I would only be using their home on a short a term basis as you can.

But don't rush into anything. You still have a home which is just as much yours as your husband's. It's all too new and raw -give it time.

I moved out to live with my now husband. I have never lived alone. Maybe if money was no concern, then I would take that jump to live completely independently. But when my husband and I rented, it was expensive, and I know I couldn't do that alone with my financial responsibilities at the moment. I have no money for another deposit, and our deposit on our current flat was low as part of a first time buyer deal, I'm no longer going to be eligible for anything like that. In my mind, back with my parents in my only current option if this marriage is indeed over, but who knows how long long-term will be. It might be 6 months, it might be a year, it might be two or three. I don't know. It can't be a priority right now anyway, there's 1000 things to worry about before thinking long term plans.

I think that some of us with adult children view this slightly differently. Whilst I would do anything for my DD, and frequently have, I would not want her to come back home permanently. It wouldn't work long term and would breed resentment on both sides.

Perhaps if you make it clear to your parents that even if your marriage is over then staying with them is just a temporary measure, then they might be more reasonable. If they don't have pets then perhaps they are not thrilled to house your dog either. No one likes being taken for granted.

I'm not making any long term plans, but I will start to think of alternative options.

Just catching up with the thread...and you are certain there's no other woman because he was always at home... My XH found himself falling in love with another woman over the internet. Just be very wary of men who spend a lot of time 'playing computer games' or on Facebook. I utterly trusted my XH, he was just ASD and found spending time on the computer a good way to unwind. Until he turned cold, decided it was over etc.

(The 'OW' in his case was unaware that he'd 'fallen in love' with her, and, apparently, completely shocked when he left me 'for her'. Twat.)

Sorry, didn't mean to harp on this OW thing. Just be aware that it is a possibility that he's been talking to people on the internet, who've persuaded him that he's unhappily married.

Hope you're doing okay today. Take time for yourself.

To be fair to myself, I haven't just came back to my parents and announced I'm back without caring what they think.
They have always been incredibly supportive, and even when I moved out years ago, I was only 21, my mum said to me that if I ever needed to come home again, then I would always have a place. Even on Monday night when I was totally bereft, this was again said to me, I will always be welcome here.
The same has been with my brother when he had to move back home, and my parents are amazing. They don't grumble about anything like that.
I think they want things to work out for me, and because of how sudden and out of character this is, they can't see me apart from my husband being for the best at this stage. They are totally confused by the situation, and I suppose there is a bit of disbelief there too. Until I have an answer and more discussion with my husband, then I think we will all be living in limbo and not knowing what the future is going to hold.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is horrible and very stressful.

However, I can sort of see why your parents are a bit blindsided by it all. One minute you are happily married and living independently, then suddenly you are re-arranging things in their spare room to make room for your stuff and telling them that you might not be going back.

Just thinking generally, I think there is a fine balance between parents being supportive of adult children and there being a 'too-easy' exit route. Is it worth thinking through what you would have done if your parents hadn't been nearby or able to accommodate you? Would that have been better/worse for communication with your DH?

If one of my kids declared that their marriage was over after a five minute chat I'd be a bit too so I can understand why they are thinking WTF.

That's really unfair for your parents to be putting you under this pressure, especially as if you do what they want then you will be doing exactly the action he has complained has led to him feeling the way he does.

I also think you should go back home, and I think you should say exactly why and also that you understand if he still needs space so, if that's what he wants, then perhaps he can stay at his parents.

Did he reply to your brother?

Oh dear Garlic, I think you are suffering from different generational problems with your parents. They should never, ever have interfered.

What your dad has said about spending money on a wedding, well just wow, is he really saying that you should live the rest of your life in uncertainty and unhappiness because he paid for your wedding? My own dad was like this and when I said I was unsure about my wedding many, many years ago he said I could not back out because he had sent the invites out! A colleagues father did not speak to her for eighteen months when she left her marriage, again, because of the wedding!

You have to remember your parents were allowed to make their own choices and decisions and allow you to make yours unincumbered by what THEY want to see happen.

My own girls have kept problems with their partners from me in the past because they knew that I would never feel the same about them again, even though I may act otherwise. This is simply because I want my girls to be happy and I know when something like this happens, I really do not think you can get over it.

My view, rightly or wrongly, is that if you do get back together it will be in the short term. This is because what he has said can never be unsaid and you cannot live your life always wondering and worrying. I have seen this many times before and a marriage will limp along but for only a while.

Go to the doctors alone on Friday. You need the results so you can move on. You are so young and have the rest of your life in front of you. Good luck.

Oh Garlic what your Dad said was just horrible! I had my fair share of Dad-related wedding dramas when me and DH married last year but I would have absolutely gone through the roof if he'd said anything like that to me, regardless of the size of their contribution. They may think they're trying to help by applying 'the right kind of pressure' to get you and H talking but this is going to backfire if they keep it up.

Fingers crossed on getting a reasonable, non-arsey response from H when he reads your text. Given the interference from family, I think it's only fair he does the decent thing and lets have the flat whilst he spends some time elsewhere.

Op. Please take this in the nicest and kindest possible way as it isn't intended to be a dig.

As kind as your parents are, and want to help you. I'm sure they are now of an age where they have grown up children and want their own house, lives etc.

At the age of 25 there is no way I would have wanted to move back in with my parent. And my dad is lovely!

When I split from my husband 2 years ago and had to sell house, it was touch and go if I would be able to find and afford anywhere myself for me and my son. The option was moving to my dads and was only ever going to be short term. I fought battled tooth and nail to make sure that never had to happen. And it didn't.

If you have never lived alone, I would seriously consider doing so as quickly as possible, to help develop your own sense of independence and learn to be self reliant. Whatever happens in the future, don't you want to be able to say, I did this?

If it is over. Then as joint owners you can insist you both sell the home and you both split any equity. Or he buys you out. Don't think in terms of staying at your parents for 6 months / 12 months etc. Will you only move out of you have someone else to live with?

It could be a start of a whole new chapter for you. X

I told my dad that if it was all about the money then I will set up a payment plan to pay him back. He was offended I suggested it, so hopefully he realised how awful he sounded when he said that to me. But they again seem to be on different pages entirely. They are telling me that of course they are on my side, and will support me regardless, but then in the same breath telling me what I have to be doing, when I'm telling them that it's not going to help and its not right for me and my husband at this time. I hope my husband does respond kindly when he reads the text. If we do get back together, I am really committed to making it work and doing whatever I can to help him find his happiness, and hopefully that will be with me and our life together. I have looked into couples counselling, and I will suggest this if he seems like he could be up for giving our relationship a shot.

I should have made clear, but my appointment on Friday is for the test, not the results. I should be able to find out the test results for the chlamydia test next week, but all the other fertility test results won't be found out until my next fertility clinic appointment in June.

This has turned into a problem involving your parents and it shouldn't have.

If it's a two bedroom flat then move back in and cohabit, then the problem becomes focused where it should be, on your marriage. If he needs space then it's up to him to find it not for you to supply it.

I'd not ever thought about living on my own. But I could do it, it will be incredibly hard, but I will be able to do it.
Hopefully he is willing for the cohabit situation to work, because I am seeing staying at my mum and dads not the best option at the moment, and I never thought that would be the case. They are my constants, my back ups if ever I needed them.
I'm not going to bother guessing how his response will go to my text. It's a wait and see.

You're doing fabulously 💐 Despite the odds 😖

I could have written so many of your posts.

I know at the time I wouldn't have listened to much of the advice given here, if it had been given to me IRL (perhaps it was, but it was certainly flooded out by the 'oh but he's lovely' 'you're a perfect couple 'you're the happiest couple we know you can't split up' 'you must try to make it work, all couple go through this' (etc etc).

But I wish MN had existed in those days and that I'd read about so many others in the same situation. I wish I'd known about 'the script'. It would have saved me an awful lot of self blaming & heart ache.

You have the benefit of all of that, please don't cast it aside thinking the way I did - that 'Our relationship was stronger/better/different. He was tired/lost/confused. I was full on/independent/determined'. Because my love, it's just not true. He's blaming you so that he can walk away guilt free. Don't take it on board. Keep your eyes wide open. It does not matter ONE BIT what you wanted, what you said, hiw driven you are. He's an adult HE made the choice to marry you, HE made the choice to TTC, HE wanted the baby his friends had, the marriage, the life. He's only 'unhappy' about it all now because it suits his rewrite of your life so he can move on guilt free.

It really is over 💐

IF you were to 'try again' (she says, speaking from experience) youd destroy yourself in the process. It is utterly, utterly soul destroying walking on egg shells, trying to be oerfect, trying not to create waves, never being confident of their love, or having any security in the relationship.

You are 25. Only 25. It's no way to live your life, you deserve so, so much more. Give YOURSELF the freedom to go and find what you deserve instead of this. This is no life.

Your parents love you and want the best for you, but they are wrong. This is not a tiff. Your marriage doesn't 'have to work'. You don't have to put up and shut up.

You need to move back to the flat and work out how to afford to live there. You are an adult, you need to build your life independently from your parents, you cannot do it under their roof. Your H 'wants out' well he can fuck off out of the flat. He can keep paying his half of the mortgage until you sort the flat out. I know it's not easy but you can, and must, do it. You're not a child ok xx

You're doing well, stay strong 💐

PS: I had to resort to telling my parents, with a VERY steely look in my eyes that if they didn't STOP interfering that I would cut all contact with them, because I could not cope with spending more energy managing them, than sorting out MY life.

whatever I can to help him find his happiness
PLEASE don't get caught in this trap.
The only persons happiness YOU are responsible for is your OWN and then your DC if and when you have them.
He is an adult and totally responsible for HIS OWN happiness.
You will turn yourself inside out and upside down, bending over backwards to please him!
This is no way to live and you should certainly not be held responsible for HIS happiness.
So get that out of your head right now.
It's something I've had to drum into my DD head (18 YO).

At this point, I'd be more concerned that he hasn't responded to any text messages either your brother's or yours. And it's been a few days now - I would have thought that even having a break of a couple of days would galvanise him into taking some kind of action if he wants the marriage to continue at all. But zero communication (even when he's having 'space') is not good news.

I think I'd be bringing it to a head sooner rather than later, personally, by moving back home. If he still wants space, he can go and find some. If you moving back home means the end of your marriage then it was going to end anyway.

I think being at the flat is the best place for you. I think there needs to be ALOT of talking before you decide to go your separate ways or even before one of you can then say they need to go away and think about what they want. If you had had those in depth talks you might be in a better place to understand what is going on with him. If my dh suddenly wanted a few weeks on his own he'd need to be willing to talk a lot before going away for his "thinking".

He responded to my texts on Monday, but I haven't attempted any communication with him since. I didn't expect there would be a response to my brothers text when I heard about it, why would there be? If he can't even explain things to me fully yet, why on earth would he be attempting to communicate it all with my brother? They think they know the person they are speaking to, and they are in for a surprise, like I was, when I found out that the person they know doesn't exist anymore.

I would go back to the flat. As PPs say if he wants space and has thrown this bombshell, HE needs to find it. It's a jointly owned property so if the relationship is over, as it appears to be, a short term solution needs to be found that is fair to you both.

With your parents it seems like very much a parent to child dynamic, where their "help" comes with unsolicited advice and interference, and a subtext from them that you can't cope without them. Better work towards a more adult to adult relationship - this can be very hard! I had similar challenges with my parents in my 20s and they are still not "there" yet!

I don't want to say I am responsible for his happiness, but my actions can certainly help him along the way to him sorting out what he wants.
I watched that beautiful south youtube clip, and at first I was quite offended as to why it was suggested, until the end. The man is wanting space to think, and the woman is there, shouting, screaming, in his face, certainly not giving him time to think. At the end she turns away from him, and realised throughout all of this she has woken up. I'm giving my husband the space so he can clearly decide what he wants to do, no influence of me. I've told him I am here waiting and willing to fight when he is. So it's just if he makes that choice to join me here. If he's not, then I will be okay to deal with that and move on and find my own happiness then. But yes, maybe I am going back on that strong, independent woman thing I had going on a few days ago, because I love my husband and our life together, and I'm not ready for that to end. But if it does end, then it's just the start of a new beginning.

Have you told your family in the strongest possible terms to desist from contacting him? It's really inappropriate and unhelpful to YOU!

The Beautiful South song is about a bloke who wants to go off and shag other women and finds out to his surprise that the little woman wakes up and realises he is not worth it after all

Take heed

I have told them in no circumstance should they be making any sort of contact with him, as it goes against the very thing I told him I would do. I have also insisted my mum does not get in any sort of contact with his mum, as that will also eat right into his argument. If his mum doesnt know, then my mum telling her is going to make a situation so much worse. His mum, I assume, will be upset. And although she might not be as full-on as my parents are turning out to be, she will be questioning him or encouraging him to work it out with me. And that's exactly the 'forcing him into things' he's saying that has happened with everything beforehand.