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Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:31

Urghh my blood is starting to boil!

HIM- "ok well if it comes to that then fine. we do have equal share to the flat. you have to realise i only have one place to go. but as i said i'll try and work something out"

ME- "im not making you go anywhere. but you knew this on monday, i told you i wasnt giving up the flat if the decision was reached. im giving you the courtesy of letting you know my plans for returning to my home"

OP posts:
springhasprung · 28/04/2016 16:32

It pisses me off that a man in his 30s says 'u' instead of 'you' in his text messages.

Aimtomisbehave · 28/04/2016 16:33

He says you he only has one place to go but isn't that exactly the same for you?!(your parents)

shoeaddict83 · 28/04/2016 16:33

excellent response garlic now pack those bags and get back there tomorrow!!

FelicityGubbins · 28/04/2016 16:33

How.many places.does he think you have to go? Go back tonight and let reality start to kick in for the stupid prick..

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 16:34

Perfect text! It's pretty obvs that he had it all set in his mind that you've moved home, he'll keep the flat (at least for the time being) and life will go on the way he wants with no pressure from you until he 'decides to make a decision'.

And remember, when you return you are doing so as an independent roommate! So no doing his laundry, cooking 'family' meals, cleaning up after him! No 'home comforts' for him! Do nothing for him that you would not do for any other roommate! I'd go so far as to sort separate areas in fridge and cupboards for 'your and his' foods.

I assume your finances are separate already? You should also take a moment to figure out how to pay bills as 'roommates'. Can you afford to pay half plus separate food?

Aimtomisbehave · 28/04/2016 16:34

^ obviously meant 'he' not 'you he' (stupid typing!!)

shoeaddict83 · 28/04/2016 16:34

And remember, when you return you are doing so as an independent roommate! So no doing his laundry, cooking 'family' meals, cleaning up after him! No 'home comforts' for him! Do nothing for him that you would not do for any other roommate! totally agree with across

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 16:36

garlic I do not by any stretch think you should be trying to manage your behaviour in any way as to try and "win him back", or whatever. Not that you are, I'm just saying. However this situation pans out (and for reasons I won't go into I fear I know how it will...) the only way you will be able to move on with no regrets is to be yourself. Be the person you will have wanted yourself to be when you look back on this. Be YOU.

If you're angry, be angry. If you're sad, be sad. If you want to live in your flat for whatever reason live in it, and if you don't, don't go back just so your family think you're "trying". Don't give him space you don't want to give, don't go steaming in because you think you should to be strong, do whatever YOU would do. Then you will have been the woman he married, and that's the person he has to look in the eye and say yay or nay to at the end of the day.

You deserve someone to say that YOU, you in all your entirety, are the person I adore with all my heart. Don't wait until he's perhaps gone to be that person, be the person YOU can say "I love you with all my heart" to. Go out there and LOVE YOUR BAD SELF. You cannot do this wrong. Be the woman you love, and love her.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 16:36

Good for you, but best avoid texting.

Agree with PPs that unless you'd actually prefer the spare room he should live in that!

"If it comes to it" implies he wants to keep you dangling. Do NOT go down the road of the "pick me dance" (whether or not an OW is an issue) . You have many, many options too.

chillthefXXkout · 28/04/2016 16:37

He sounds incredibly spoilt & selfish. I have a suspicion that you moving back to your home might be stifling his plans for a trial bachelor lifestyle, and that's partly why he's being an arse about your return. I could be wrong.

So sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:38

I think this has also pretty much told me that he hasn't informed his family of any of this. If he had, his sister would have him staying at hers in a heartbeat if that's what he needed.

Finances are separate. It's going to be difficult to pay for my half as I'll be solely responsible for the car, but it'll be doable. He'll be laughing though, he's going to be so much better off financially if I start paying for my share!

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 28/04/2016 16:40

If you got a crap finance deal like you said and the car isnt what you need why not downsize and save some money? I worked in motor trade for 9 years and whether its lease, PCP or HP you should always be able to change your car during the finance period unless there is a specific tie-in clause, the finance would just switch to the new vehicle and change amount. Your only issue is if the APR was so high that the car would be worth far less than the finance outstanding, but just a thought?

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 16:40

He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. Bet he won't tell his family and will remain in the property. That's why it might be best to return while he's at work so you can set yourself up.

I wouldn't offer to pay more until he raises this! Just make notes on what your expenses would be if he does!

offside · 28/04/2016 16:41

I think I agree with Wannabe et al.

I think it's obvious from your posts that you've put him under a lot of pressure financially...talking about things you'd like to do in the house, you admitted he didn't really have a say, you have a car you admit you don't really need but you wanted it and so it's quite expensive and so if you pay "your share" he'll be better off...why aren't you paying your share anyway?

So as well as marriage pressures, ttc pressures he has the burden of financial pressures. I see why he hasn't been happy for a while.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:42

I pretty much don't have any sort of plan at this stage. And I think I need to throw out the idea that I need a plan. Everything is moving so quick and in all different directions. I'm just going to need to wing it as I go along.

Living arrangements might be a little tricky. We have a spare room, which has a bed, his tv, his computer games, his shit. But our bedroom has an ensuite, and the bathroom is tiny and the shower is shit so I would rather have the spare room in order to have the main bathroom. The bedroom has all the drawer storage and wardrobe, so if we do go down this route, things will take a little organising.

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chillthefXXkout · 28/04/2016 16:44

Sorry for double post but I definitely agree with acrossthepond and shoeaddict when my relationship of over a decade was in the process of ending (his decision) we had to live together for a few months and I stopped all cooking/washing/cleaning for 'us' and just did what was needed for myself. Worked a charm in terms of building up my self-esteem via a 'f**k you' attitude (in my mind) and it was the beginning of baby steps to feeling independent and for severing emotional ties to him. We kept things civil, just like we were housemates.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 16:45

I agree garlic, winging it is the only way!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:47

He is under no pressure financially. We pays for more household bills, but things like the new flooring I wanted and the new sofa, that would have been paid from using the savings I have left over from my wages each month, albeit it would have been a couple months to save for these items.
He had access to the car on occasion, but it is a car I specifically wanted as it was larger (at the time we were trying for a family!) and I use the car for commuting to work. My share of the household contribution was the car, the food, some smaller bills and any larger items which generally were at my request anyway. Since we got married, I asked a few times about getting a joint account and he was never keen. I now taking that as a sign that he never wanted it as it would maybe be too difficult to separate it all.

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eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 16:47

Also I don't think you've put him under financial pressure AT ALL. You accepted certain financial responsibilities as a couple. This is what couples do when they act as a unit.

A ridiculous assertion offside.

FlyingScotsman · 28/04/2016 16:48

I'm impressed by your answers. Clear and straight to the point.
I'm amazed he though he would be able to have the flat for himself for weeks on end whilst he organises himself and you would just disappeared from his world.
As for assuming it was Ok to ask for to wait 3 days for you to come and pick up some stuff in the flat ...

Fully agree with Accross.
If you are going back and he wants to be left in peace then it also means no special treatment for him or access to your finances.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 16:52

Wow, I really can't believe that, I'm sorry it sounds like he thought he had it all sewn up nicely. If he thought you were just going to collect some stuff why would you have to wait until Sunday?

FlyingScotsman · 28/04/2016 16:52

Your financial organisation sounds like the one I have with DH.
And buying a bigger car made complete sense. Why buying a small car just to have to replace it a year later because you have a baby??

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 16:54

Well, theoretically, if you could make it clear that is was for financial reasons only, could you suggest that the rent be split 75/25% in exchange for non-personal housekeeping? This would be housekeeping as far as vacuuming, sweeping, etc the shared areas only and would NOT include picking up after him, cooking, or doing his laundry.

If he's not there when you go back, I'd move his TV, games, etc into 'his' room and put them neatly on the bed for him to sort out. Or text him now that he will need to remove them before XXX-day so that you can put your things away and sort the room out as 'yours'.

I understand you not wanting a concrete 'plan' but I think you do need an idea of how you want things. Otherwise you risk getting railroaded into what he wants.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:54

Going to have a very clear look at my finances and try to remember the cost of all the bills. I have a feeling by insisting on this, he's going to take the cock route and insist I pay for half of everything. I want to be prepared to tell him that I am already organised for this to happen.

In case he does move out, can he insist I pay for everything? I wouldn't be able to do that..

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