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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 12:56

I actually think it's good if he doesn't respond to your brother as it will help your family to understand what you have been saying.

daisychain01 · 28/04/2016 13:24

Yup I definitely agree that the Beautiful South record is the ultimate in

"I want my cake and eat it" until it turns into an "oh, bugger, you've realised you're actually better off without me "

(As the woman walks away, head held high, belting out the chorus of "I will survive")

Keep strong garlic, you've got you're head screwed on, you're thinking clearly and you're nobody's pushover that's for sure x

Atenco · 28/04/2016 13:43

You've definitely got your head screwed on Garlic, you are dealing with this situation magnificently. Your husband is risking losing a jewel of a woman.

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 14:37

Garlickshake the script has been referred to throughout the thread but it also refers to their being another woman.

Yes, that's why I posted what I did. It's one thing to say "the script says this, that and the other," but another to make direct connections with your own situation. When you're in the middle of an emotional crisis it can feel like an insult to be told that your relationship, which is special and unique to the two people in it, follows a well-known pattern.

I hoped to show specifically that garlic's H is carrying out 'the script'. When you grasp this, you're able to protect yourself from the worst of the damage caused by all the on-again, off-again, blowing warm and cold, indecisive fuckery of a partner who's so self-involved that he doesn't even question his right to treat his relationship like a toy he can put down and pick up again.

I'd assumed that everyone here understands the quoted 'script' is humorous. It doesn't mean anybody literally sits down and works out a plan to mess their partner up as much as possible. It's not limited to people having a 'mid-life crisis'. An 'other' isn't essential - although there nearly always is one, especially for men.

PaulDacresKnobCheese · 28/04/2016 14:40

Totally agree, Atenco.

I am somewhat floored by OP's parents feeling she should cling to his ankles, begging. That does no-one any good!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:02

They see me not wanting to run back and cling to his ankles as me making the decision to give up.
Either way I'm coming out of this fighting. I'm either fighting to save it, or fighting to save myself when it ends. But I have a lot of you to thank for this. I'm a mess until I read how well you all think I am doing, and I think.. I CAN DO THIS.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:16

Okay, he's replied.

"You don't need to apologise for your family contacting me. I know thats not on you. For the flat I have friend a and friend b coming over on saturday for a chat and a beer. i could be out of the flat on sunday if u really need it. but id need to prob stay with my sister and id have to grab the spare keys off my mum. is that any good for you?"

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 28/04/2016 15:20

I am astonished that your parents would want you to plead and beg for a man who has said he no longer wishes to be married to you. Have they thought this through? Do they really prefer their daughter be with a man who feels arm-twisted into the relationship, than be divorced? Are they from a culture or religion where divorce is very shameful? I don't get it. My parents, in that situation, would have been helping me pack!

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 15:22

Oh, thank goodness, you can have your own space from Sunday!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:23

Husband never explicitly said that he no longer wishes to be married to me. He has said that he is unhappy, felt forced into the marriage and didn't feel ready. So to me, that means he doesn't want to be married to me. My parents aren't getting that. Until the words are said, I don't think they will believe it to be true. No different culture or religion. They just see marriage as something to work on, and they think if they can have stuck it out, myself and my husband can too.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:24

So wheres someone to compose this amazing, strong sounding text. This is the only contact I have had with him since Monday. I need it to sound good!

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:25

I'm thinking along the lines of-

Yes, Sunday works for me. I will be over around lunchtime if that gives you enough time to get your things.

Simple and to the point. Thoughts?

OP posts:
DaveCamoron · 28/04/2016 15:26

Well they right in a way, marriage does require work and there will be ups as well as downs.

FelicityGubbins · 28/04/2016 15:26

If it were me I would say that friends A&B and he can have their chat at the pub and that you intend to move back tomorrow, don't let him do the the favour of allowing you back into your own home..

momb · 28/04/2016 15:27

I'd stick a 'Thanks' somewhere in there to maintain civility. Otherwise simple and to the point, excellent.

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 15:28

Perhaps you need to gently tell your parents your dad's a better man than H?

I'd keep your reply really simple - yes, Sunday's fine, will you be out by 5pm?

It'd be a good idea to have a friend come with you. It might be upsetting to come back inside, ideally you'll have someone with you who can be constructive, chill out with you a bit, and hide the photos or whatever you need!

DaveCamoron · 28/04/2016 15:28

It's his home as well...

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:28

Do you mean in response to his suggestion that he can move out on Sunday?

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 15:28

You're damned right you can do this Garlic, we know you can too!

When you have those moments when you're not feeling quite as strong, you have an army of us behind you who'll happily remind you how bloomin' fantastically you're coping with everything that H and family are throwing at you, how conscientious and considerate you're being of H (regardless of our collective opinions on whether he deserves this or not) and how sensible you're being to start making plans to safeguard your future should you need to.

I hope the family lay off you soon, I understand they're concerned and what have you but they're doing you and H no favours by getting involved. If indeed, H does just need some space and time and happens to have gone about it in an awful way, this could be having the opposite of the desired effect and pushing him in the opposite direction.

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 15:28

Heh, massive cross-post. Yes, that's great imo.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:29

I am also thinking about adding in a little- Yes I will be needing back in my home, in response to his - if you really need it. Hmm

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:30

X posts. Too slow.

I would simply say Sunday is fine then etc re lunchtime. Think you can also ask how he is without it sounding pushy.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:30

Yes, say, yes I do really need it.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:33

"Yes I do really need to be back in my own home. So thanks, sunday will be fine. I will be around lunchtime so hopefully that should give you enough time"

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:33

Actually, I do think it's important that he sees the reality of leaving the family home, rather than him sitting back and inviting friends round whilst you are tucked away at your parents. He wants the time so he needs to remove himself.