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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:34

Sounds good Garlic.

FelicityGubbins · 28/04/2016 15:37

Sounds good Garlic.

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 15:38

I agree, sounds good.

It's not fair that you should be sat at your parents running their marriage counselling gauntlet whilst he's inviting people into your home for drinks because he needs time to think. That's grand, go think elsewhere.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:41

I'm looking forward to Sunday now.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 15:42

Honestly, I'd take him up on the offer and explain to your parents that you will be returning to the flat, but that he will be leaving (for his sister's). Perhaps it will impress on them the fact that HE is the one responsible for this time apart even though you were the one who left.

I'd just text him "Yes, thank you. Sunday will be fine. I appreciate your cooperating with me on this. It will give both of us the space we need. I plan to arrive at the flat around XX o'clock. Hope that works for you." No emotion, just brief and factual.

I just find your family's attitude so wrong and almost offensive. Are they doing this for reasons of religion or 'what people will think'? Or do they simply think that you are unhappy with the thought of divorce and think they're going to make you happy by getting you back together again?

When I left my first marriage my family had no idea it was abusive (I was too ashamed to tell them, more the fool me!), all they knew was that I told them that we were separating because it 'just wasn't working'. My parents, married 30+ years at that point and very religious, were upset as my family didn't 'do' divorce back then other than for infidelity or abuse, but they didn't try to interfere nor to talk me into 'saving' the marriage. They were disappointed, but figured it was my business. They certainly would never have dreamt of contacting my ex or his family to try to help 'patch things up'.

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 15:42

I'm looking forward to Sunday now.

Yay! :) Star

SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 15:43

Garlic it was him that wanted this break. I think it's rather rude him saying you can't go back till Sunday. All the while having a good time with his mates. Bless you. I would be so angry. You're a better person than me. Another poster is correct in saying he can go to the pub and have a catch up. Yea it's his flat too but he is the one who asked for space. He should be moving out not you

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 15:45

Make sure your parents know that you decided to move back and so now he has decided to stay somewhere else.

TheyCallMeBell · 28/04/2016 15:47

Garlic, I'm just catching up on this whole thread. You are doing amazingly well! Mumsnet wasn't around when my Ex did similar to me, but I really wish it had. It took me months to ask him to move out our home so that I could move back in, despite him being the one to drop the bombshell that it was all over. (And yes, he hadn't been happy for ages but didn't tell me. And yes, he was having an affair - but that doesn't mean your H is.)

Your H moving out will make him face the reality of what splitting up could be like. It might make him reconsider, it might not. But it can only help things move along more quickly, which is best all round.

Get yourself settled back in your house. Let him do whatever the hell he needs to do to decide if he wants to work at things with you or not. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to keep your dignity. You seem to be doing that already anyway, which is amazing. It's ok to fall apart a bit, that doesn't mean you're not coping. It means you're human.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 15:48

garlic it sounds like he's suggesting you can use your flat as somewhere to chill out for a bit on Sunday, no? It doesn't sound like he's understood that you're proposing to move back in on Thursday...

TheyCallMeBell · 28/04/2016 15:49

And I yes, I agree that it's pretty crap of him to say that he can't move out until Sunday because he's got friends over on Saturday. If you want to make an issue of that, no one would blame you. It's your call if it's worthwhile or not.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/04/2016 15:50

Sunday not Thursday - doh!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:51

Maybe it just reflects on how much I have let my family become involved in my marriage. I don't know. They seem to think they are well within their rights to start getting involved. So, space will certainly help matters with that. I can detach from it slightly.

He was actually pretty decent, there was no hurtfulness there. Not any love or care their either, but I thought it would go a lot worse.

I know the friends he is seeing on Saturday, and they know me well. So I can't imagine that he is going to be getting a whole one sided, 'aww you don't need her' kind of speech and filling his head with the perfect bachelor life with new women and lots of sex. These are both men who are settled with long term partners, and one has a child. So hopefully my husband can get some thoughts sorted on Saturday with their support.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 15:55

I won't make an issue of the guys around on Saturday. No. We both enjoyed having friends around to socialise at weekends, so I could imagine if roles were reversed I would be doing exactly the same thing.

I have texted him again to clarify he knows I'm moving back in.

Yes I agree that if he goes to his sisters, he will realise what this is going to mean for us. I should have went back on Tuesday and insisted he left, and he would have faced that sooner and maybe dealt with his thoughts and feelings quickly too. But I can deal with Sunday, I can wait til then.

OP posts:
SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 15:56

Oh good luck garlic. I hope someone knocks him over the head and he realises how lovely you are

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 15:57

You never know, they might tell him what a flaming idiot he's being - he really could do far worse than you, you're fair, willing to work things out and a lot more accommodating than I would have been to him if I was you.

Either way, yay for Sunday! I bet both you and the pooch will be glad to get back in the house.

Quick suggestion - stop off and buy yourself a new set of bedding on the way home, fresh bedding is always the best and new bedding is even better - let alone when you need headspace from the person you've been kipping next to for some time.

SteffiMuse · 28/04/2016 15:58

And a bottle of wine :)))

Atenco · 28/04/2016 15:58

Oh I think just accept Sunday. I'm sure the principle that the people who want you to fight are defending is correct, but why bother?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:01

Yes Yes to a bottle of wine on Sunday evening. Thank god for bank holiday Monday where I can make sure I'm completely sorted for back to work on Tuesday. It will be nice to be back in the flat. I hope to god he's done some housework though, id be royally fucked off if I need to come home and ensure the place is habitable for me to stay there first!

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 16:04

Fucking bugger it. He thought I did mean just coming back for more things on Sunday.

OP posts:
OrangesandLemonsNow · 28/04/2016 16:04

I should have went back on Tuesday and insisted he left

You can't insist though. He has agreed to move out. You couldn't have 'made him'

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:04

Even if you do, it's something to take your mind off things so perhaps rolling up your sleeves and cursing him will do you good!

CoolforKittyCats · 28/04/2016 16:05

He thought I did mean just coming back for more things on Sunday.

Then you have to decide if you want your move back on and accept he is still there.

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:05

Errr.... what did he say?

TattyCat · 28/04/2016 16:06

Is it a one or two bed flat?

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