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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 25/04/2016 17:37

"And the absolutely cheeky bastard!!! Leaving his wife waiting with all this whilst he fucks off to go with his friend?? I don't think I'd be home when he got there, I'd have packed my bags and left." but this is one week of being distant and an argument.

I would say that if the OP thinks their relationship is that vulnerable after just a week of emotional distance then there are much bigger problems which mean they should probably not be TTC at this point. But actually, if the OP is generally very emotional and moody (and she has admitted up thread that she is,) then perhaps he's had enough of the assumption that the marriage is over every time they have an argument? It's exhausting being in a relationship with someone who is that insecure. Perhaps he genuinely doesn't know what to do because he can't do right for doing wrong...

GarlicShake · 25/04/2016 17:38

Well, it could be something like the groom-to-be has decided his stag do will be 10 days in Thailand.

Or anything else, really.

You're doing well, garlic. I like the idea of going out for a bit, if that'll help you get your emotional balance back.

Aquiver · 25/04/2016 17:38

Another who thinks this is the worst timing to catch uk with a friend (am annoyed for you). Maybe try and have a nap or something or distract yourself as much as you can after packing a bag just in case (agree with others though - why must you be the one to leave?) Thanks

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 25/04/2016 17:38

Even if he isn't planning to
leave you, he knows full well that that's what you're fretting about. For some reason it suits him that you're fretting about it. That is very much not nice.

I got a similar message from DH when we were just dating and thinking about moving in together. I rang him in a panic and he was quick to reassure me that it wasn't that he was about to dump me.

But your DH isn't reassuring you. That really is nasty. If it turns out that he doesn't want out, I'd bear in mind in the future how he's behaved over this if I were you.

LindyHemming · 25/04/2016 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2016 17:38

but this is one week of being distant and an argument
And? He then texts her about having to have this big discussion when he gets in but then delays getting home so he can go plan a stag do Confused expecting OP to sit at home and wait whilst he's planning festivity?

Gazelda · 25/04/2016 17:39

OP, I really hope it isn't as bad as you're thinking. But I strongly urge you to be calm when he gets in, give him chance to take his coat off, put the kettle on, whatever the normal routine is.

Then let him speak. Don't interrupt. Don't get emotional. Put on a 'performance' if you have to - be an actress playing the part of someone cold.

None of this is because he deserves it or has earned it. It's for your own self preservation, and to avoid it turning into a row and you both maybe saying things you don't mean.

when he's finished talking, tell him you need time to think about what's been said, and that you'd like to speak again after dinner/tomorrow/ at the weekend or whatever.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 17:41

Wow. Some very harsh comments here.

We don't argue. Very, very rarely. And even when we do it's about something silly which doesn't escalate into anything big.

I don't constantly rush to him seeking confirmation of our love. This isn't like him, and it worries me how unlike him this is. For him to be like this, in my mind, there has been something big.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 25/04/2016 17:42

No, not grocery shopping, you numpty Grin More like a manicure, a magazine, a glass of wine and an amble round the swanky shops! Oh, and some Flowers for yourself!

Hillfarmer · 25/04/2016 17:42

Hi OP,

I know it's hard but you need to take some of the control here. Don't run around apologising or grovelling, thinking your worst fears are realised. He's been shitty to you for the past few days, don't forget. You might have moods, but he's been awful - giving you no affection or support when you needed it for no good reason. You have good reason to be cool with him.

Take the dog out again so you're not hanging around at home. Don't let him call all the shots. If he's being a shit, then tell him to leave and give you some space. You don't have to go.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 17:43

I will let him speak and I will stay as calm as I will possibly allow. This is why I posted the thread, so I could get out all my crazy thoughts and hopefully have some people supporting me to regain my calm.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2016 17:43

Yeah my comments are harsh because I think it's despicable that he drops this on you then leaves you worrying for an extended amount of time because he wants to see his friend first.

MorrisZapp · 25/04/2016 17:44

Could some of the more hysterical posters remember that it was op who started the 'we need to talk' exchange. He merely agreed with her.

I very much doubt he's planning to end his marriage but first plan a stag do.

Ginkypig · 25/04/2016 17:44

Good luck garlic.

If it's an otherwise good marriage and up until now you felt secure in it then I would think it would be more likely to do with him wanting to stop ttc due to the stress and strain it's causing you both.

Obviously though I'm on the outside so what im saying is purely speculative.

Keep calm for now, whatever happens you will cope because that is the only option! Just be ready to reach out to your real life support if you need so charge your phone etc ok.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 17:45

His actions so far seem calculated to cause you the most hurt and distress

Whatever bombshell he is about to drop is going to get lost in you begging and crying. Any wrongdoing by him (and there is lots already I see so far) will get swept under the carpet if only he will stay

Lovey, I suggest you rapidly get your Big Girl Pants on before he has you completely losing your perspective.

HeddaGarbled · 25/04/2016 17:45

He's being cruel. He should be coming home early to talk about this not stringing you along in this nasty way. Don't lie down on the floor and let him walk all over you and don't take any more blame for anything than him.

I find it hard to believe that everything would change suddenly like this. What could possibly have happened a week ago to make him suddenly want to leave you? Whatever he says tonight, as hard as it is, try not to say anything rash or make any rash decisions or promises. Tell him you've heard what he has said and that you now need time to think. You can do this thinking at your parents if you need to.

Even if he does say he wants to split, as this has come out of the blue with no build up of warning signs, I'm not sure I'd be convinced he really means it. You staying dignified and not begging or taking the blame or promising to change etc etc is important in making him really think about what he would be losing.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2016 17:45

Could you use my name rather than referring to me as a 'hysterical poster'. Thanks Morris.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2016 17:46

His actions so far seem calculated to cause you the most hurt and distress
Exactly.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 25/04/2016 17:47

I can remember being this afraid.

OP, in the kindest possible way - there is something very wrong in your relationship for you to be as scared as this.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/04/2016 17:48

Sorry but in a marriage he is being extremely selfish and controlling and unkind not to come straight home after work - I could see if he wanted a quiet coffee or drink to clarify his thoughts that'd be ok but it's obviously a discussion with his mate about his fucking stag do!!! That, to me, says clearly where his priorities lie, not with you.

He should also be ringing you not texting to reassure you, you're married FFS!

To be brutally honest unless I've got this totally wrong he seems classically emotionally unavailable and has used this "Drink with a mate" to delay the obvious or to cut down on the time actually talking to you.

You haven't given us the full low down but it seems pretty serious if he is being cold over the space of a week and then denying you cuddles.

I agree with what another poster says, can't you see or ask him about counselling especially as you're TTC and now having to go through fertility clinic. Is there a support group with others in a similar position where he may feel happier talking things over?? It's not the kind of thing you can talk to about with your mates in the pub (eg him) is it??

My DB and SIL are currently TTC and need IVF but even my brother (who'll talk to anyone) feels a bit out on a limb with this (doesn't help SIL works weekends sometimes and also some evenings). But it is so stressful.

Whatever you do don't run away to your parents or feel forced out, unless there's a huge back story this is not your fault!

As he's not back yet could you go for a walk/coffee somewhere/see a neighbour just to take your mind off things?

Good good luck for later. I hope it isn't what you think it is. Flowers and a very un MN-netty hug from me.

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2016 17:48

Yes there's no reason he couldn't have reassured you, unless the reasons are that what he had to say wasn't reassuring. I hope he's just been really unthinking op Flowers

Libitina · 25/04/2016 17:49

Is there anything going on with his job? It could be changes at work he needs to talk to you about.

tangerino · 25/04/2016 17:49

Yeah my comments are harsh because I think it's despicable that he drops this on you then leaves you worrying for an extended amount of time because he wants to see his friend first.

Dropped what on her? He's just agreed that they need to talk- could mean anything. My guess is that he's completely oblivious to the fact that the OP has taken a bad week to indicate a possible end to the relationship.

DixieNormas · 25/04/2016 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frazzled2207 · 25/04/2016 17:50

If it is all ok-ish after your chat you need to make it clear that he should have reassured you earlier by text

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