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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/04/2016 18:03

That txt conversation exchange (if I were him) would send me running for the hills.

I personally would find it manipulative irritating and far to dramatic for my liking.

I also would not have a in depth conversation via txt.

If someone was mithering me after being withdrawn for a week it's highly likely I might want to have a conversation about it, if pushed I may state this in advance as a response to the question being asked. If they then started rabbiting on about me wanting to leave them and then packing bags. I would

GarlicShake · 25/04/2016 18:04

I want to be there for him if there is something bothering him, like I want him there if there is something bothering me.

There is something bothering you. And he's "there for you" after doing some party planning with his mate. You need to raise your standards, I think, Garlic, and expect at least as much as you offer.

How you doing now?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 18:04

I hope I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion. I really do.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 25/04/2016 18:04

Also, if you rarely argue then when an argument ends up being a bad one it can come as a bit of an emotional rollercoster.

Also, if the OP has brought up the potential for her DH to leave her, then this also puts the idea in his mind that she has splitting up in mind. Iyswim. If one party mentions the possible end of a relationship it's not always as simple as just needing to be reassuring because the idea of divorce is already there.

Primaryteach87 · 25/04/2016 18:05

Needsasockamnesty- just because you're on the internet it's no excuse for being callous.

Garlic- best of luck

FatPaul · 25/04/2016 18:05

Gotta say I agree with Socks, nobody in their right has a serious conversation via text.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 18:05

I'm doing okay. I'm calm. Time is going so slowly though. I'd rather just get this over and done with, whatever the outcome is, just to put my mind at ease.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/04/2016 18:05

I'd be tempted to go out and come back after he's home, even if I just went to sit in a café for a couple of hours. Let him come home and wonder what's going on.

GarlicShake · 25/04/2016 18:06

Sorry, Grays, you said exactly the same!

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 18:06

Stop apologising !

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 25/04/2016 18:06

I think he has been incredibly cruel. If I were you I would be taking a few days out regardless of what he has to say. He has left you hanging in one of the worst possible ways at a very vulnerable point in your life. I'd struggle to forgive and forget immediately if I were you.

FatPaul · 25/04/2016 18:06

Yeah that's it, tell the OP to play games Hmm

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/04/2016 18:08

I can't believe he is meeting a friend instead of coming straight home. Seems unbelievable to me!

Rubberduck2 · 25/04/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 18:10

Like other posters have said, I shouldn't have asked him over text. And even with all the evidence there, I agree a week of him being out of sorts and being cold towards me should not indicate divorce. I could assume that if he does have things going on in his mind (and assuming they AREN'T to do with leaving me) then me adding that bit in has possibly annoyed him.
I'm here and ready to hear what he has to say. I'm not going out or disappearing. If I have made things worse by suggesting that is what his intentions are, then I need to address that with him right away.

OP posts:
innermuddle · 25/04/2016 18:10

Has anything like this happened before? If you have panicked like this in the past then it seems cruel of him to not reassure you need. But it could be that he just doesn't really understand how upset you are.
I have been doing something similar with my husband today. We need to talk, it is serious but not something I want to discuss by text so I have avoided his questions because I don't know what to say. Yes we are having problems - possibly this is not fixable but that is not certain so I can't reassure him or say that it is over. We need to have a potentially relationship ending conversation. If I knew he was in the state you are in I would be more explicit. But for now I'm putting off the conversation.
Sounds like your husband has serious things to discuss- but that it is that he just wants the relationship over.
Stay calm. And listen. Good luck x

Pinkheart5915 · 25/04/2016 18:10

I hope he's not planning to leave as it doesn't sound like that's what you want.
I imagine ttc for 16 months and fertility clinic is a lot of stress for you both, how is your communication with each other about this?

It isn't very kind of him to leave you hanging until tonight but I do feel texting isn't the best way to discuss a issues about if he's leaving or not it needs to be done face to face.

It could be possible you've worked yourself up and it's a slight over reaction

mummaAJL · 25/04/2016 18:13

Please update us all when you've had the talk, I won't be able to sleep unless I know you're okay and what the score is. I hate this. Reminds me of my ex right before he broke my heart. :-( hoping it's not that and that you're okay x

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 18:13

Our communication with TTC has been pretty shocking tbh. I found things incredibly difficult in the beginning, and found it hard to deal with the fact things weren't working out for us. We had in depth chats about it before, and he told me that he felt I was putting on too much pressure for things, e.g. it wasn't just fun sex. So I actively tried to tone it down, at least to him. I was still devastated when I got AF, but I tried to not let that affect him. We talk calmly about it, I hide a lot of my emotions regarding TTC as I don't want him feeling the pressure too.

OP posts:
lem73 · 25/04/2016 18:13

Just because you've had a bad week doesn't mean it's the end of your marriage. That is just silly. Men (ime) tend not to respond well to melodramatic behaviour especially by text. I do think you need to work on your relationship though. Why on earth would you retreat to the spare room?

MrsOs · 25/04/2016 18:14

I hope it's not what you think. I ttc for 5. Years with 4 failed I feel attempts it was hell!

AdvocateNotAdvocat · 25/04/2016 18:14

Perhaps he is feeling equally vulnerable too as sounds as though it's been a stressful time for you both. His reaction of making you essentially 'sweat it out' by going for what is very probably a pre planned drink is some attempt to take control of the situation which is feeding into your anxiety causing you to over-analyse. Get outside for some fresh air, take some deep breaths and get off here!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 18:16

I will be checking off just now. I don't want DH to see me moaning about all this on here, especially if it is all about nothing. I will check back in when I know what's going on.

Thanks all you have made me feel better! I don't feel so alone, whatever this outcome is.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 25/04/2016 18:21

Well, if OP has been very emotional etc over the past week or so then perhaps he knows that he is coming home to more of the same especially as she has made the suggestion that he might be about to leave her, hence the stopping to see a friend first.

If a poster posted here that they'd had a difficult week and their DP had been over emotional, moody, had slept in the spare room after an argument and then said they needed to talk and suggested that maybe the poster was about to end the marriage the advice certainly wouldn't be to go home and reassure DP that all is ok - it would be that the texts etc were manipulative especially after they were the one who had been over moody/emotional. In fact there would even be responses suggesting OP go out first and keep DP hanging for a bit and not to give in to emotional games...

In truth the answer is somewhere in the middle IMO.

Emotional distance is horrible, and if you're in need of some reassurance then it is just amplified. However from the other side, emotional neediness and moodiness can get incredibly overwhelming to the point that you just need to take a break from it sometimes.

I suspect they probably both need to talk about how they could work together better, and that there are issues on both sides.

chubbymummy · 25/04/2016 18:22

Good luck. Hopefully it is something you can work through.
Fertility issues can cause huge problems in a relationship. I've been there.
If you've just started going through all the tests he will be freaking out and panicking incase the issue is with him.
DH withdrew into himself and we were distant for a while. It was only afterwards that he admitted he couldn't cope with the stress of all the testing.
He has been distant and unsupportive each time I've miscarried and I was sure this was because he didn't care. The last time led to him suffering from severe depression and this was when I realised just how much he really did care but he just doesn't cope well under pressure.