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Original poster

Is it appropriate for a man in a relationship to have 1 on 1 drinks with a female he is strongly sexually attracted to?

185 replies

Kaperee · 22/04/2016 18:27

As the title says really. Would you tolerate this?

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 30/04/2016 09:42

I don't think so. It's normal to still be attracted to other people when you're in a relationship but then you need to stick to certain boundaries to make sure everything stays above board.

There are two guys at work that I find attractive and click with...my personal boundaries are:

  • I go for a friendly catch up coffee with them during the work day 1-2-1 but wouldn't do anything after work/with alcohol unless in a group
  • The exception to this is if we were travelling together for work but then I'd either not drink or only have 1-2 glasses of wine and make my way to bed relatively early
  • I would never tell them I find them attractive or acknowledge it to them or anyone else (if asked I'd probably say something like 'I can see why someone might find them attractive but I'm practically married these days so I don't even look!'

I don't think it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex, even if you find them attractive, but I would expect my partner to put similar boundaries in place.

My DP has a female friend (no idea if she's attractive) who he meets once in a blue moon in the middle of the day for coffee and that's okay with me.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 09:43

Oh, boo hoo

That terrible predatory woman has taken advantage of your silliness and now you are worried the partner you deeply respect and love might find out

That's called karma dude

NettleTea · 30/04/2016 09:49

you now are going to reap what you sow Im afraid.
You may have had no intention of doing anything, but the moment you told the woman that you found her attractive, and that you wanted to meet up for a 1:1 drink with her, you set her wheels in motion for an affair.
You may be able to control yourself (although I doubt that as you seem to need to bolster yourself by playing the socialite and surrounding yourself with female friends) but you cant control the other person. If you give off messages then you cant be surprised when they are taken at their face value.
So you have received a bunch of touchy feely (why didnt you tell her to back the fuck off) and you KNOW your OH is going to be mighty upset, which is why you are going to try to justify and blame the OW before anyone tells her how much you were enjoying the attention.

I hope she dumps your sorry arse, and you can be free to have as many 1:1s as you want, without anyone getting hurt.

stumblymonkey · 30/04/2016 09:51

I've just read your last couple of posts.

It's a little more than foolish to tell her that you find her attractive....why did you do that?

Obviously that is what has caused the problem. Telling a woman you find her attractive is a green light. So again...why did you say it?

I can only imagine it was because you wanted something to happen....

NettleTea · 30/04/2016 09:52

you are not foolish in telling her. You were foolish in trying to pursue a friendship with her. Until you can understand that you are not mature enough, and dont deserve, a relationship. You put your desire to stroke your ego before your relationship.

Wristy · 30/04/2016 09:52

Did you gloss over the part where you told this woman she was attractive and she reciprocated, did you remember to tell you DP you then went on to arrange a date with said object of your affections?
Did you remember to tell your DP you only backed out at the last minute when strangers on the internet told you you were in the wrong and what you were planning was incredibly inconsiderate to your partner?

Or did you just tell here you were out with work and your drunk colleague was all over you like a rash without any encouragement from yourself?

I'm pretty sure I know which version if events she was spun.

Wristy · 30/04/2016 09:56

*her

Original poster
Kaperee · 30/04/2016 09:56

I made a mistake, I accept full responsibility.

I have spoken to my DP and told her everything; including my comments to the friend.

I have also spoken to the friend post that incident, to make sure she understands that I am not interested in an affair.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 09:59

Now you come clean ? Bollocks. You were just worried you were going to get found out.

NettleTea · 30/04/2016 10:05

Of course its natural to be attracted to someone when you are in a relationship, and of course the initial 'fizz' of talking to someone new and attractive might be more of a hormonal rush than the comfy 'whats for dinner' with your partner.

HOWEVER its not acceptable to pursue that frisson whilst in a relationship. The relationship has a depth and intimacy that is built from long term knowledge, trust and understanding. TRUST being the big one. Trust and love, which goes far deeper than a passing frivoulous thrill. You dont get to have both. You dont get to have both by keeping it secret, and trying to justify it to yourself. Keeping it secret and doing it anyway is dishonest and breaks the trust.

Be honest with yourself. If you yearn for the frisson either try to find it again with your partner or leave her and do it openly. It will come and bite you in the arse if you dont. You may have got away with it this time, but you have broken your relationship a bit, whether she beleives you or not. If you have been totally open about your role in what happened then she is going to always have a little doubt now, is always going to trust you a little bit less. It might eat her up and build into the end anyway. If you have lied then you know that you have lied and the relationship is now a little bit of a sham, you have lost a bit of intimacy, because at the back of your mind you know you are not honest with her. That might eat you up. It might make you think you got away with it and can do it again. Its changed, and thats your fault.

The object of your desires may not take it lying down. she may be humiliated and want to seek revenge. she may contact your partner, she might bad mouth you - she may tell everyone who listens how you told her you were attracted to her and invited her on a date.

laa de da.

not such a simple little harmless thing after all, was it.

NettleTea · 30/04/2016 10:06

FRIEND????

She is not a friend. Cut that right out.
you think that you can mix with her socially now? Is your partner happy about that?

I say bollocks too

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/04/2016 10:13

Why don't you just break up with your DP?

Then you can be free to sample all the delights you want, free from all this ludicrous naval-gazing.

And you'll do your DP a massive favour, into the bargain.

AyeAmarok · 30/04/2016 10:15

The grass you water is greener.

And you are cultivating a relationship with a woman you fancy.

And now you're back acting all innocent like it just happened to you? You've been planning this for ages.

You're a class A prick.

AyeAmarok · 30/04/2016 10:16

Sorry, you're behaving like a class A prick.

Soz, HQ. Need an edit function.

Offred · 30/04/2016 10:19

You had no intention of doing anything?

You already were unfaithful. You pursued a relationship with another woman, told her you were highly sexually attracted to her, arranged a date with her then let her put her hands all over you while you were out with friends.

Now you want to claim it was all the OW?!

Bit of a stretch but you can always use the script I posted up thread... if you would like to really fuck up your dp...

Offred · 30/04/2016 10:21

And FYI for the future when you find someone else attractive and you are in a committed relationship you avoid said person till the attraction fizzles out.

UnGoogleable · 30/04/2016 10:29

Op you're just cracking open that window of opportunity.

And she stepped right through it and you got frightened of the consequences.

If you're serious about taking it no further, it's really simple. Close that window. You can still be friendly, but texts, 1:1 dates and suchlike are out.

If you keep doing those things - you're fishing for an affair and you know it.

Original poster
Kaperee · 30/04/2016 10:37

I intend to be civil, but anything 1:1 is now completely out of the question.

OP posts:
Imhere4theentertainment · 30/04/2016 10:38

Are u the woman he said he fancies by ne chance ?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 10:39

Where is our thanks ?

Imhere4theentertainment · 30/04/2016 10:42

Scrap that read whole post

TheoriginalLEM · 30/04/2016 10:47

You're so vain. I bet you think this song is about you

TheoriginalLEM · 30/04/2016 10:47

don't you

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 10:48

don't youuuuu

dizzytomato · 30/04/2016 10:53

My DH finds other women attractive, he will often say so. I have no problem with this because 1 They are usually very attractive women so why would he not 2. He doesn't flirt, make conversation or try to get her to notice him, he's not interested in them but just making an observation.

If he tried to date another woman I would be concerned about several things Firstly why he needed that attention/ego boost and secondly what was lacking in our relationship that he feels the need to search for it with someone else?

This situation sounds very like either the man has self esteem issues and needs the attractive woman to notice/want him, the ow has self esteem issues and will consider herself worthier if she can get the attention of an attatched man or the partner is a total doormat who thinks she can't do better.

One or all of these people would benefit from having some self respect!