Is it appropriate for a man in a relationship to have 1 on 1 drinks with a female he is strongly sexually attracted to?

[Kaperee]

As the title says really. Would you tolerate this?

You can call me what you like.

If you call me a racist (or whatever)and I know I am not, it's water off a duck's back.

Would it help if I apologised at this late stage for upsetting you ? That isn't an empty apology because I can see you really are bothered by it. It is not my intention to hurt people (no ifs or buts).

I did make (unknowingly) make a racist comment once on here actually. I referred to someone as a "bint" being completely unaware of any racist background/undertones and got my arse handed to me.

Yes an apology would be nice.

I apologise for upsetting you, Morris.

Ok... and back on the thread. No.
If you love your partner you don't go out one on one with a member of the opposite sex in my book. Existing friendships fair enough.
I know a lot of people might be cool with it but my partner and I have both talked about it and 1) it avoids any potential for something to 'just happen'
2) if I went out with with a man one on one and I didn't fancy him one bit I think it would be disrespectful to my partner who I have deliberately excluded in order to spend my precious time 'getting to know' someone else.
3) what if by doing so (going for this drink )
I put doubt an uncertainty into his mind.? I love him and I would not wish to make him feel anxious.
Affairs don't just happen. You cross a line. The line that is crossed is much earlier than the kiss or the sex. Its the phrase 'fancy a drink' ?

Thanks AF, I appreciate it. I'll shut the heck up now. Hope the rest of your evening is peaceful.

I believe in reverse psychology - if you try and stop someone it will be more appealing. This is how the mind works.

I have a male friend. There is a strong sexual attraction between us and always has been. Many years ago, we had the discussion about what we wanted from the relationship. I am married, and he was in a LTR at the time. We decided that we would continue to go out for drinks/dinner as we enjoy each other's company, and have interests that our other halves don't share. We would keep our hands off each other and not take it any further. So that is what we do. We have never touched, not so much as a handshake or social peck on the cheek. We go out, have a nice evening chatting and flirting and then go home. This has now been going on for 15 years. And we're not going to jump on each other any time now. DH knows (he's neither blind nor stupid) and is fine with it, and sometimes joins us for dinner as he knows and likes my friend.

your ahhh right. She should just send him on his way then saying 'I won't wait up' with a cheery bye and making sure he looks his best....

Dona,Yes that's right you can't control people.

It is all open and no one is hiding anything.

seems the only aspect which was probably a bit foolish was the man openly admitting attraction and telling others.

Who are these 'others' that he's told?

Have I got this right? So basically, a man who is in a relationship, fancies the knickers off another woman. He's told the other woman, ?and others? and is now openly dating this woman i.e. going out for cosy 1:1 drinks, and because "it's all in the open and no one is hiding anything", he and the OW think it's ok?

I think they deserve each other, at very best they are a pair of disrespectful twats, at worst they'll soon be spouting the "we just couldn't help/stop it" bullshit.

I have female friends which I find attractive. I have told them and told my wife about them. Their other halves also know.

My wife met my friend-girls boyfriend and the first thing she said to him was 'he loves your girlfriend' and we all found it amusing.

Being able to understand attractions does not make having affairs more likely but that is just us.

morris

Well I don't think there is a right or wrong here. It really depends on the people involved and how they feel. For me, my DH and I always talk about who we are attracted to amongst our friends, there is no jealousy about that and we are totally honest. We don't tell the other people though! We would find that inappropriate.

I have male friends who I spend time with 1 on 1 who I don't find attractive. A couple of years ago, I became very close friends with a guy that I do find very attractive. For this reason, I chose not to go out and do things alone with him as it would feel weird to me. We meet up for playdates with the kids (they are friends) and that's all. I wouldn't tell him I think he's drop dead gorgeous - but my DH knows and he finds it funny. He trusts me implicitly as I do him.

Anyway, I do think all of that is irrelevant really - it depends how the wife feels in this. If she is comfortable with it then fine and dandy, if not then she should tell her DH she isn't.

Thanks for all the responses. Good to hear outside opinions. As a PP noted, deep down I know it is wrong, however friends have reassured me it's ok as I haven't done anything wrong.

For those that want to know, I am the man in the relationship, have been with DP for 2 years. DP knows I have many female friends, she has met most, but not this one.

Foolishly under the influence of alcohol I did mention to a close friend that I was very attracted to this new female friend. I did not/do not intend to do anything with her, we are just building a friendship at the moment and I will be introducing her to my partner shortly (as I do my other female friends).

Thanks all.

kaperee I'm glad you don't intend to do anything. Just don't put yourself in a situation where it might.
I don't need to build friendships with male friends that I find attractive. I have lots of friends and I love my partner.

If you already have many female friends why do you need to build a friendship with another one when you know you'll be playing with fire because you feel "very attracted" to her?

You obviously value building a dangerous and unnecessary friendship over directing your energies into your relationship with your still relatively new DP. How horrible of you.

friends have reassured me it's ok as I haven't done anything wrong

But your 'friends' aren't aware of the true picture here are they? - as you say you only told one close friend about the "attraction"

Seems you're looking to justify what you're doing. You say deep down you know it's wrong but then say you're going to carry on anyway. I pity your partner.

It wouldn't bothered me being if dh went out with a friend he was attracted to I trust him and just because your attracted to somebody doesn't mean your going to jump it to bed with them .
Just in the same way I go out with male friends that are very easy on the eye, a little window shopping never done any harm.

You are being a dick

Building a friendship is still wrong.

You don't have to indulge your every whim.

And what AF said.

Not sure how you have found these responses encouraging.

You have very healthy ego.

No, it's not ok at all! You shouldn't be building a friendship/relationship with a woman you've got drunk and crossed the line with already by telling each other and other people) that you find each other sexually attractive. It's really disrespectful to your dp. Did you tell your dp about your drunken conversation? How far are you planning for it to go with this woman before you decide you've done something wrong, penetrative sex? You should read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass, you really should.

You're being a dick. Why do you need to 'build a friendship' with her? If you respect your relationship you would put it first and move past her. Why do you need to meet 1 on 1?

I haven't read the whole tread, honestly anyone can go out with anyone. It could be a sign your relationship isn't what you want it to be.