Is it appropriate for a man in a relationship to have 1 on 1 drinks with a female he is strongly sexually attracted to?

[Kaperee]

As the title says really. Would you tolerate this?

He's actually told the woman he fancies her! That's totally not on.

I think the fact he has told the woman he is attracted to her is irrelevant, really.

If he is attracted to her, he shouldn't be going out for drinks alone with her, full stop. He should always make sure there is a buffer of other people, so that they are less likely to have opportunity to take things further.

(If it's a travelling with work situation, then perhaps eating together might be appropriate, taking care not to drink much while together, and then going off seperately.)

Sorry, I mean the fact he has told her is irrelevant to whether they should go for drinks. I think the fact he has told her, when he is in a relationship with someone else that I assume he intends to remain in, is very inappropriate.

Objectively it's a crappy, entitled and disrespectful thing to do to a partner.

Very narcissistic

To the original question: no not ok. No. No. No.

My hubby is one of only two males in his work environment - in the course of his work drives lots with colleagues and inevitably there can be some waiting around/coffees etc. And there are team social nights. Hubby is friendly to everyone but actual friends with some. I get this. All totally open etc etc But there is never ever any discussion or notion of sexual attraction. And btw, some of them I think are funny/very attractive/wish I could do that with my hair. I can't imagine hubby hasn't noticed BUT HE DOESN'T SAY. I get lots of she said this, what do you think about her and her relationship being like this I told her that's bonkers/sweet blah blah blah because hubby is slightly older than most of them and a friendly ear...

And what Hamishandthefoxessaid "be a good friend to the marriage" big thumbs up to that Agree totally and when I find myself working in close proximity with a male colleague (who I can be friends with btw) I keep this in mind - how will this look to my hubby and their oh? Because sometimes, even when it is totally innocent, if you are not there perceptions can be different. I know this because with hubby being the friendly ear, sometimes I have told him the perception and he has been horrified. Sometimes he will say why are you doing x? And I'll say just how you do x...in the course of my job, donut. Then he'll be "oh - didn't think of it like that"...

And coming back to the original point (sorry) that is why in this case it is wrong because of the admission of sexual attraction. Minds are already going places - it's out there- won't be long until other things follow...

If it's all in the open then how does the mans partner feel about him going out with a woman he is sexually attracted to? If the partner is fine with it then I can't see that it's a problem.

You've had plenty of objective opinions now, all saying the same thing, that it isn't okay. However you don't seem to want to take it on board and keep reiterating the same question, presumably hoping to get a different answer.

I think we can therefore conclude you are one of the two people who wants to go out on a date, despite the fact that one of you is already in a relationship and that the other partner is presumably feeling hurt and frightened.

If you are the husband, you aren't listening to the needs of your partner. You aren't putting her first. You do not respect her opinions. You should consider leaving if it is so important to you to pursue your own interests.

If you are the other woman, why do you want to spend time with a man who would do this to his partner? One day, it could be you.

Ps - the end bit - is not permission to the situation. Was my humble opinion.

My first line : no no no. Not ok

Eelus, if this was a purely theoretical question about morals and both partners were okay with it, it seems unlikely anyone would be on here asking about it in the relationships area.

What the hell sort of relationship is this where the man is telling their partner they are attracted to another woman, and then telling the woman?
That in itself would be a total no-no for me, and that's before going for drinks was even discussed.
The drinks would take it to divorce territory. In fact, possibly even the confession of attraction might.

What 'Toast* just said.

Why would the man tell his partner about the attraction in the first place?

Trilateral - I was just trying to point out that op states everyone is being open, implying that there is no deception going on. I'm just wondering if that opened extends to the partner.

Just because he hasn't lied about it, doesn't make it ok!

My dh is going out with another woman tonight, to the theatre. I don't want to see it. They've been close friends for about 30 years and I have no problem whatsoever with it. He's more likely to start an affair with his sister.

The OP's situation? Not in a million years. The admitted sexual attraction changes it completely.

What Toast said.

I think OP is the man

No it isn't appropriate. It's totally inappropriate and I'm sure you must know that really.

He's told the woman he's attracted to her and then told his OH that he's done that? How very hurtful.

If my DH said he fancied someone, had told her that and now wanted to go for a drink with her - I'd tell him that if he actually thought that was a good idea, that if he actually thought I'd just stand by and put up with it, if he really believed that he was still being a loving husband to me but going for a date with someone else, that he had completely taken leave of his senses!

It being out in the open doesn't actually help. It's called having an affair in plain sight. If he thinks it's ok, he's being completely disingenuous and utterly self-serving.

How would he feel if his partner said she had told some bloke she fancied him and was now going to spend an evening with him? Would he be ok with that?

This man sounds like a selfish sod, and sounds like he has no respect for his partner.

I'd be completely fine with dh going out for coffee with someone, and if he fancied her, I'd also be fine with that - he's married, not dead.

However, the old 'Oh I find you so attractive, you really turn me on*' conversation is WAY across the line for me. You tell people you are attracted to them because you want to have sex with them. This may be partly because dirty talk is one of my favourite things about sex but really, we are humans, with language, telling each other how attractive we are is like a mating dance for us.

So the coffee in a way is fairly irrelevant, but if that conversation has already happened, WTF? 'Coffee'? the people involved are about 1cm away from an affair and THAT is the conversation the people should be having with their partners - 'I want to fuck somebody else because life with you has got a bit samey tbh'. Good luck with that.

• This does make me think of the Frasier sexual harrassment course episode where thingy says 'Nobody has said 'turn me on' since 1978', but then I am old.

Also if OP is the OW and only has the man's word for it that he has his wife's permission. ..unlikely.

I don't like this OP at all, and not sure we should be wasting time giving any more advice to someone (whichever of the two they are) who wants to behave like a dickhead, and is looking for someone to go 'hey, it's all fine.'

Maybe you were hoping to be able to show this thread to your OH?

I don't think this is appropriate either. The fact that both parties have been open about their attraction and are now going for a drink is just going down the lines of an affair.

Morris

If you could send me a spreadsheet complete with dates and references (since you are obviously disgruntled and keeping some sort of tally of my comments to you) perhaps I could try to figure out why the fuck you are taking issue about rape apology with me on this thread.

I don't have the date AF but in brief you were pretty angry at me for suggesting that a married woman shouldn't really go clubbing on her own with a man if her husband isn't too keen on the idea. I was told I was trying to police womens behaviour, judge them etc. I said would this be ok with you in your own relationship and you said yes because among your friends this is normal and you trust your partner.

I said I'm sure I've seen you tell women their partners are cheating for even thinking/ talking of doing this. No way says you.

Anyway it was a long time ago but I'm afraid I haven't forgotten it, I've never been called a rape apologist in my life so it rather stuck out.

It's a frustrating one because I called it on the original thread and you denied the double standard. Now you're saying the exact opposite but I'm clearly the one breaching etiquette for mentioning another thread. So I can't win. Not that I'd normally care, but being called that was truly horrible.

I don't have a spreadsheet nor am I stalking you but I will stand my ground when insulted. I'm sure this post won't last long but at least I said my peice.

Pretty sure the op of this thread isn't coming back...

Why do you need to "win" though ?

Why do you need to find some tenuous link with any old thread to point and say "aha! Gotcha ! Dastardly double standards, I knew I would prove it one day !"

At the risk of burning even more resentment into your brain, I would suggest that whatever comment I made hit home a tad more than you are admitting

If you know it's not true, move on. I have been called all sorts of names on here over the years. I know myself, so I don't internalise it and wait days/weeks/ months to catch someone out

That's not healthy. And you are right, it's also not etiquette or cricket or even good manners to hijack someone's thread to do it.

I don't need to win. I lose in this shithouse every week, that's what happens when you engage in online debate. I can take it, or I wouldn't get involved.

I'm just really hopping mad at what you called me. And no it didn't hit home, any more than me calling you a racist or a tax dodger might hit home. It just isn't bloody true.

Anyway, poor form. No doubt I've contradicted myself round here plenty times too but when I call you a rape apologist I expect you to rightly be outraged.