Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

oh and the guy who works in my city during the week and then goes home at the weekend, well he's replied and it's funny and chatty but he only replied after 11.30 so I'll just be on alert for signs of married-ness. I'll call him MaybeMarried45 so I don't forget that I'm looking out for red flags!

So, one free spirit, free to travel, and I like him...... of course I do. Stop that pie.
One maybemarried who has slagged off my home town :-p
And one alphamale52 who hasn't responded to my last message but it was only earlier today. I won't write him off yet.
I think there was another one. I've a feeling I messaged four. Four more tomorrow??? Can I be arsed?

314 yes, mirroring is what I am doing instead of ripping him to shreds. I have had good results with that method before and at least it makes me feel in control. I went for a 3h power walk today and I am starting to get a clearer view of the situation.

And go message the 4 remaining options!!

Four more tomorrow, 314 could be a tall order, but you are doing rather well so far so 'no pressure Tuesday' it is..

I like MaybeMarried45 - a bit less Dewey and will keep your spidey senses sharp.

I can't sleep. Again! After 8K run at 7am, epic trip to the tip (took me 25 mins to unload it all) plus 5hrs gardening + 1hr dog walk. I don't know why not, except I had a latte in Costa with a friend at 3:30pm... Oh and am keen to see Twix, and still have 'lady-gardening' to attend do. Still, can't do it now. Will meditate instead.

Lessee what gives with 'The Manbabies' tomorrow, when the working week resumes.

I am so ill! Norovirus or something. I was working today and ran into the guy from work so ended up messaging him ten minutes ago out of the blue. I made the transition from tinder to Facebook messenger so now I'm nervous cos I can't just unmatch and the evidence would disappear.

Not feeling very amazing or attractive cos I'm being sick every half hour but I'm fairly sure I won't work with him again till at least August. I had an opportunity, I took it. If he doesn't reply then at least I know and can stop obsessing about him. It's been two and a half months now since we matched. And I still have no idea what's going on. So probably nothing. Ah and I immediately regret it, help!

I am so impressed with all your irons. When I started posting here someone said it should be easy to drum up some dates cos I'm 25 but not a thing.

Yes, Handy, I like the sound of no pressure Tuesday.

Right, good night!
Jollyx, you are in control, you really are. If it does turn out that he's u-turned, then so have you. I was reading some crap on line there claiming that it's not sex that ruins a new relationship, it's women's neediness after sex turning off men, but that's crap. I know I've been in this situation and I don't feel 'needy' I end up feeling duped, mislead, used.... irritated and exasperated, But perfectly fine, still independent. oh well, good night yall.

Morning daters!

It's finally warming up and City were crowned champions last night so I couldn't give a hoot about my non irons.

waving a third vote please for you to stay on the thread. It's absolutely lovely to read your updates. You're in love!!!!! It's just so brilliant and I am beyond happy for you.

314 nice messaging!

jollyx well played. I'd be doing the exact same in your situation. Half arsed texts asking how your day is are the bare minimum requirement of keeping someone simmering. I'm getting old, whatever happened to picking up the phone and talking to someone.

traffic another vote for nice jeans and smartish top.

freaky hope you're doing ok.

Also, I have to disagree with the generalisations about men and women on this thread.

Some women are total game players (two of my friends recently fell for women only to find out they were married). Some men can be totally up front. I've had a few men message me post date to say the chemistry wasn't there and they wished me well etc ( they were right, dates were nice enough but lacked spark). When I first started OLD I could also have been tagged as someone who was IDWAR...potentially still am. Dishonesty and deception happen irrespective of whether someone is male or female.
The key differentiator I think is how the two sexes differ once they've DTD. For me, I feel far more vulnerable and COULD take rejection post DTD far more personally. Bizarrely with scot I didn't because he was a prize dick and the emotional relationship with tree2 had the potential to get under my skin way more than scot ever did.

My one key takeaway is this. Texting etc builds up a false intimacy and communication is key. Texting is NOT communication. If someone can't pick up the phone to speak to me from date 2/3 onwards then it's not going to move forward.

to rest of thread. Have great days everyone!

Ahhhh I've not slept, blooming insomnia strikes. Ho hum...

waving does MTG work nowadays?

I'm going up to Twix's tonight, even yesterday before the insomnia I told him I didn't fancy the pub or anything - he suggested an evening walk in the surrounding countryside which he loves. It sounds perfect to me. Then back to his for dinner.

Just gotta get Tuesday day out of the way first....

Morning daters!! 314 yes men do exactly that I'm sure. They are very capable of detaching and only investing what they want - this has also been my experience. At only 31 - I really hope I don't experience much more of this because I don't think I could take it over the years 😂😂

I'm a bit nervous about my date - but only in a social anxiety type of way. I see it more as an opportunity to get into dating again without worrying too much about the outcome - I've always thought he was cute but always assumed he wasn't single. So I'd already done the "you're cute but unavailable" thing in my head. It's actually perfect because it lessens the pressure immensely. Hmm. Sounds a bit like what a man would do?!!!

I can't get up to date with the thread now but I will later on 😊

Have a good day everyone.

Get your irons in the fire!

Morning everyone
Still not heard from marvel iron so im guessing he didnt really want the 2nd date which was a shame cause he was quite nice. Back to seeing whats on match and pof.

toosassy a fellow Leicester fan! Happy days!!

Good luck for today's date, traffic

Freaky how you doing this morning?

Morning all!

waving its great that things are going so well with MTG. Please keep us updated as the success stories are what we’re all hoping for!

314 keep on messaging. I’m always glad if a woman messages me, as I find that if I’ve started a convo, the chances of it fading away into oblivion before a meeting are far higher than if she’s started it.

Freaky, I feel for you over the way things are going with Bacon. The uncertainty is the worst.

For my own situation, I’m waiting in limbo (which I’m quite prepared to do) until the scheduled meeting, if it ever happens. Looking back on it I was putting too much pressure on her time, which also translated into the going to bed situation, and in effect she blew up under the general pressure. Either I didn’t read the signals because I was too busy living for the moment or I ignored them, or it’s just that I’m a man and can’t read signals as mentioned upthread. I’m still hoping that there will be a second chance.

My fear is that she will harden her heart in the cooling off period and decide it’s too much bother. I’m deliberately staying out of contact as I think that a message or call will be read as more pressure. Any fortune tellers out there?

Reddish, when is the last time you contacted her?

I know you don't want to put pressure on her but if you leave long gaps between contacting her she'll probably assume you're not interested or that you're keeping her on the back burner in case nothing better comes along.

Morning all!
So, developments...

I noticed last night that the message I sent on Sunday was read at 10.05pm. No reply but didn't really think too much of that. Then checked my phone this morning and saw he was online for a few mins...and not messaging me. So I cracked. Transcript as follows:
Me: Hey, everything OK?
Him: Morning! Yes - hello!
Me: Morning...what's been going on?
Him: Not a great deal to be honest - just enjoying the time off. Hope you enjoyed your time with your brother?

This pissed me right off cos a) he's being willfully obtuse b) my message on Sunday said I'd had a great weekend and c) if he was doing nothing all weekend, why didn't he reply to my message on Sunday?

So then I sent this:
"That's not quite what I meant...you've been quiet/off this past week and I was wondering why (and hoping you were OK)? Do you still want to meet up this weekend?"

I feel good about it. I have just HAD IT with pretending that nothing is going on. Open, honest communication from here on in, or nothing. And I think I've still left scope for him to come back with "sorry, I've had a really busy week" or "I've had a few things on my mind, can we talk at the weekend?" I've not been confrontational but I'm fed up of being a doormat. If he's a decent bloke that wants a relationship with me, he'll step up now. If he's not, then I'm well rid anyway.

I just still can't believe the change in him...all "I can't wait to see you", "I've been thinking of you all day" to...nothing. I know some of it was over the top flirting but there seemed to be a genuine attraction there...

Yes, rejection after sex is horrible. HORRIBLE. Men have no no idea.

Traffic Obviously one's experiences depend on what kind of man you keep attracting, and whether you are really open to a relationship yourself, but maybe if you're like me, remind yourself again and again that it's your prerogative to have your own agenda. I hate the word agenda because it sounds calculating but a lot of men who self-identify as nice guys just want to play it by ear, see how it goes, have 'fun' (except it's not fun on the receiving end of the 'fun') so as an elder lemon I'd say, never lose sight of the fact that you are allowed to have your own terms. I wish somebody had told me that when I was 29 before I met my abusive x (kids' dad)

Freaky yeh, I get that. Enough's enough. You've put up with days of him backing away. Now you've shown that you're brave enough to give him the opportunity to take the out. You offered him the opportunity to get out of this Saturday basically. That's not needy. It's like, are you in or out. Pick.

That sounds fine freaky. There comes a point when you can't ignore the elephant in the room, and his lack of contact since Friday was impossible to ignore. I wonder what and when he'll reply now. I still think this all relates to the not-great sex, and that it has been too much for his ego to take. Whether he can get past this and try again, or not, is anybody's guess.

Interesting observation there Reddish, I mean, about the conversation being less likely to die out if she started it in the first place. That is encouraging!
I'll keep going.

Your message is good, not needy and very nice given the circumstances. But it is also firm, "I am not taking this BS". It is a great message.

And I would have been oh so pissed off too at that "nothing much" reply. That is an insult to your intelligence.

Urgh.

There must me something in the water, after the Bacon & Karmic shit show there even is a whole THREAD going on men cooling off without warning.

Reddish and Bant anything to say in defense to your specie?

Reddish When is your next date? If I was her, I think I'd appreciate some contact. Nothing pressured....maybe suggest something nice to do next time you meet? Giving her space is great, but it can also come across as backing away...which does not feel pleasant...

Traffic Good luck with your date!

Handy Sorry about the insomnia. It's a fucking killer! But you have Twix date to look forward too! A walk and dinner sounds lovely.

314 You elder lemon you! To be honest, I'm not sure if the sex has changed anything. Would Bacon have acted as he did if he didn't have sex? Not sure. Would I feel any different about anything if we'd not had sex? Not sure. In some ways, the sex was so bloody unsatisfying and disappointing that in some ways I feel like we didn't actually do it anyway!

Reddish from a woman's perspective, you have to get to the point where the communication is easy and natural and obvious between you before you start hoping for sex!!! I think you're pushing water uphill trying to turn this one in to a sexual relationship tbh but if you're not ready to give up on her yet, a personal yardstick I remind myself to employ is this; if you can't spontaneously ring him up for a chat certain your call would be welcomed, then don't sleep with him.

From your pov, you are backing away in order to minimise your impact or something!? but simultaneously hoping that at some point it'll become a sexual relationship?! You have to open up the communication. Send her links to funny articles perhaps. Or send her thoughts that don't require an Answer. Make her feel that you care about her thoughts and that you WANT to communicate with her. You can't be hanging back on purpose whilst also planning to move this towards a sexual relationship!!! That aint gonna work with this woman.

Don't be afraid of losing her by communicating with her. If there are that many land mines between you that you can't chat openly then this is never going to go where you want it to.

OK ? there was some sassy style straight talking.

Thanks all! I reacted out of (pissed off) instinct this morning, so it's nice to have people saying I did the right thing.
And frankly, fuck his reaction to the not great sex. What about my reaction? I had as much reason to feel hurt/rejected/whatever about it and I was prepared to talk about it like an adult and try to move past it. My ego is not that fragile and if his is, then he's just pathetic.
Sorry, Jollyp I'm not having a go at you, I do agree with you, I just think it's a piss-poor show to use that as an excuse to ghost/gaslight someone that you apparently like very much.

I'm still prepared to give him another go, but it really depends on his response. If he carries on with the innocent "nothing's wrong" act then he's going to get full on Angry Freaky both barrels.

Yeh, I think he needs to admit to you that he had doubts and backed away.