Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Cancelled meeting, yay - so Handy, here is why I believe what Twix told you is positive:

Re the "going with the flow", I think it is just a way to say "I know you are further down the line than me and, as much as I am tempted to jump in a relationship with you, I have been burnt before so I am trying to inject some rational thinking into it. So I am still in evaluation mode because I do not want to screw up what we have and I need some time before I decide to join you at the relationship stage." I know that after this time you would normally expect him to have done all the thinking he needs but truth is that people move at different pace. He is probably slower than you, and I agree with the others, that is something you might want to assess whether you want to deal with it or not. All in all, when I said it to Karmic, all that I meant was that I was "cautiously smitten."

Re the "I like you or I wouldn't be spending time with you", I believe it is meant to reassure you in a, granted, terribly clumsy way that he does like you. That is the important part of the sentence to focus on.

So from where I am standing, I am interpreting this as a relationship being definitely on the cards - just not right now. It is still a work in progress for him but he is slowly leaning towards it, while acknowledging that he knows you are already there.

But then that is just my guess based on what I meant when I had that chat with Karmic. I agree it raises questions (openness, decision-making, communicating feelings) regarding compatibility and as such it might be worth holding off on further emotional investment. I guess what I am saying is that I would not throw the towel quite yet based on that conversation alone. Which would be different had he said something like "let's not put a label on that" or IDWAR. Any chance he is a bloody ENTP?

And now I realize that 6 months of dating have turned me into a dude and an insensitive one at that. Dammit. Poor Karmic.

Yeah friendly and not awkward is great. I'm just conscious that now we've moved departments (not exactly but I'm trying not to give too much detail) I won't see him much. We went about six weeks from matching on Tinder to actually bumping into each other so it could easily be that again. On the one hand I'm thinking I should just be casual and see if anything develops but also I don't want to miss my chance and if too long passes without us speaking then it'll be too late.

Handy I think if I were you I would try to pull back and not fall for him any harder. It's difficult though cos he might actually mean it in a positive way and you want to give it a chance. Maybe set a deadline (one/two/three months?) and if you don't feel more secure by then call it a day.

handy or someone remind me. How long have you been seeing one another / how many dates in are you?

7+ weeks, something like 12 dates, loads and loads of intimacy and lots of ver lovely dtd...

hey handy

So let me get this straight. You've tried to have the are we exclusive conversation (quite rightly) and he's deflected by saying he prefers to go with the flow? After about 7 weeks of dating.

Are you seeing/ messaging anyone else?

We had the exclusive convo a while back before dtd for the first time. He said after date 2 he was taking himself off the apps - check.

Last night was to get the feel of where it's going, because all the dtd ex extremely, er, emotionally connected tmi and there's lots of physical affection from him (tiny little gestures like hand holding and making sure we are cuddled up very close on the couch... Loads of chemistry, fancy him loads. But pretty much zilcho words of any sort in relation to me or us.no compliments, no 'when can I see you next'. As we are pretty much just doing house dates and keeping things low profile (kids) I wanted to check in that there was some 'direction' to all this. Because my feelings are what they are.

It was tough and uncomfortable raising the issue. I just knew he wouldn't be keen to go there. I said I just wanted to check I because I like him and because we are in a bit of a 'bubble' that could he see us doing more stuff like meeting friends etc in future.

He sorta grimaced. Then said that the OLD is such a weird thing (he's met 17 women over 4 years, only 3 last he) that he found in the past he got carried away and now just wants to make sure that dating fits easily into his life with no rushing around or finishing work early or whatever, and do the 'go slow' don't put yourself out eh which he now has as his 'go to' mantra for dating. Which sounds a little bit like 'if it will happen it will just fall into my lap happen'

He disagreed that this is 'a bubble' and said 'it's just getting to know each other' to which I kinda thought well yes fair enough, as he's had more people he's seen multiple times (whereas I've had endless first dates plus one real so am not as experienced in this early phase) but then again I think you can't really get to know someone without the context to them ie days out, friends, and all that shizzle. So I think we are coming from slightly different places there. I made it clear I have no wish to meet family yet - waaaay too soon, but just wanted to know if there was potential for that with me. But no reassurance was forthcoming except he said 'of course I like you or I wouldn't be seeing you'. Which was not really what I was looking for. I feel like I asked about something he had no opinion about???

So that's my recollection of it. It was all a bit 'meh' but I am very very glad I raised it. It was the right thing for me. Except it also left me feeling like the stereotypical neurotic woman. Which I'm really not. I feeling like that wasn't really necessary, but his reaction made me feel a bit mental for needing this info.

I can already feel myself pulling back a bit.perhaps with a bit of luck, if I don't dare him off and if I do fuck it frankly then maybe we'll meet in the middle??wondering whether the odd distraction iron wouldn't go amiss. Although not sure I have time to meet one.....

Thoughts please wise women of the thread?

toosassy I'd pass on her details and say something like ''rejection turns you on does it?"

Men thinking ageing doesn't apply to them need to crash back to earth. I'm sure your friend would be grossed out.

Right, I need to catch up on handy / twix situation now.

Blimey, Handy his dating mantra is "don't put yourself out" Wow.

What would Amy Young say to that?!

I think I agree with Waving, I would pull back a bit. I don't know how, or in what way precisely. But it sounds as well like he just sees you as number 17. Kind of jaded. Been here 16 times previously. It's not making you feel special.

I was telling a man at my work (we sit next to each other on a course on wednesdays) about Bear being history and why, and he was saying all the male things ''why don't you just roll with it, why don't just have fun" and I said because not knowing what you are to a man, fake girlfriend, place holder, that is not fun. For me, it's only ''fun'' when you're certain you're valued and not disposable and replaceable.

Today i have sent messages to 8 guys on pof only 1 has replied with 1 response and now silence.
Been on match found some potentials will send messages shortly just getting fed up with a lot of them as they have ridiculous weight ranges

Yeah that's how I feel, 314 person number 17. Someone to definitely not get worked up about, not to put yourself out for. If it's gonna happen it'll happen with no effort or excitement or feeling of specialness

He doesn't seem to want to go 'out' either. That's what I mean about 'the bubble' I like to out and think that's a better way of getting to know someone. Concerts, pub, movies, whatever, no need for it to cost a fortune. I feel at this stage all I'm getting to know is the person that sits on the sofa and listens to music after work, cuddled up with me.... That's ultimately only getting to know a small aspect of someone. He does show loads of interest in me, though. Asks lots about me. All from the comfort of 'the bubble'

Following on from 314's post this is what Amy Young says about it Handy please don't hate me

Sensible and wise ladies of the dating thread. Tell me how bad an idea it would be to go chasing after the SAHP that the phrase SAHP was invented for....

Think i am all messaged out for tonight sent a few out on match and pof. Lets see what i get back overnight!

Don't tanyadm

I wanted to say actually, TooSassy you are doing the right thing walking away from tree2 if he doesn't want a relationship. I should have done that 9 months ago, but I thought, I can still look for other dates............ but it just doesn't work out like that. You end up getting close. I was reading over my skype messages to IDWAR-B written while I was dating H. Ridiculous. If H had been that close to another woman I'd have felt very duped. I was very close to IDWAR-B during that time (and before, and after). The messages were supportive, funny, warm, curious, flirtatious, affectionate, practical......... we were so close. Not in a relationship apparently but our ''relational dynamic'' was popping. If I ever get another date again, or more to the poinnt, a string of dates with somebody I like, I do not want to be in that situation again. It's ridiculous. Even if it's 50% lovely, it's 50% ridiculous.

Right. I know I wasn't going to, but I just messaged a man. He had a comment about being unable to travel at a moment's notice. I just said it was nice to know that not all men were bursting to travel! I won't feel rejected if he doesn't respond.

Changed my profile blurb on pof mentioned my star sign had 1 guy message me to say it was nonsense then i pointed out it was a good ice breaker!

Good work 314 I agree about travelling at a moments notice. How many people can honestly do that? All of the time?
I hope he replies.

That's funny muddling

But, Bee, pie, Bee! I know, it's a terrible idea. No idea why he's re-emerged anyway. Odd.

Aye, Scarf, Bee was the original SAHP, gorgeous, intelligent, funny, instant connection, but ultimately, too up his own derriere. And with ex issues.

I don't buy any of their excuses.

My x tried to strangle me. Then he was a bit contrite, so he made me a cup of tea five minutes later. And then, when I wouldn't say thank you for the tea, he got in a bad temper with me again, for not forgiving him. He told me I was too fucking stupid to make a ready meal. I moved in to the spare bed room and he took apart the bed with an electric drill.

He used to lose his temper if I ever asked for anything. In a nutshell, he was emotionally, financially, verbally and physically abusive, and yet in every on line ''relationship'' I've had so far, I've been the one that's available. I'm ready and able to have a relationship.

Ok handy am all caught up.

I would back off in your shoes. I absolutely categorically would. There is nothing off about your line of questioning. I don't remotely like the fact that you are left feeling like a neurotic stereotype. Absolutely no way are you.
Anyone, in any type of interaction has an unequivocal right to ask questions and understand things. It does NOT make anyone neurotic. Most definitely not. Sorry but it's a huge red flag to me that he's making you feel this way.

If he's been dating for this long, then surely it should make the fact that he's found you all the more special.

He should also be making you feel secure. His answer is avoidance. This 'go with the flow' 7 weeks in just shouldn't be there. I'd want something more concrete if I liked someone that much.

Back off. Put him in a position of thinking long and hard about what he wants. If he senses you backing off and asks why, be upfront about it and say you didn't like his answer. It's clear you're more involved than him and as such need to back away a little to be in the same place as him.
If he doesn't care (and sorry this may hurt), he won't work hard to get you back again....

314

Thanks for the support.
And thank you for putting the tree situation in context. You're absolutely right. I risk getting into the same position as you are with bear. He's given me the IDWAR line and since then has gotten so sweet, affectionate etc etc. It's like he's free to act as he wishes with zero consequences because he's told me his stance.
Thanks for that, I had a little wobble this morning thinking I'm just too much of a bitch but you've put me right.

Lol at realthing too. Don't know what is wrong with men desperately chasing younger women. She is smart, funny, stop traffic stunning and he somehow thinks he has a chance. Just another guy who plays games and wants what he wants. Man child.