Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Evening everybody

ashmts if he likes you, you are not going to miss your chance. He must be working up to asking you out if he's mentioned it to somebody, so I would hang back a little longer and keep busy/ distracted.

Sassy I think you've dealt with the two irons well. It's so hard to have the discipline to recognise what is happening and cut involvement when you are getting sweet messages that suck you in. I'm not good at that although I think I am getting better. Fun is definitely going to be my theme for summer and I'm starting now (actually my friends and I started in March ).

Freaky I think the right time to discuss your anxiety with Bacon will present itself naturally. You'll know if it feels like the right time to bring it up.

Toomuch welcome to the thread, we are all lovely and good luck with your tinder experience! Welcome also to Scarlet!

JollyX you've turned into a dude after 6 months dating haha . I'm still trying to emulate some of your behaviours and dating style (I hope that doesn't sound too strange!!)

Handy I get the feeling you should ease back a little emotionally and try not to invest further. I get why the conversation was a little meh, I would have been expecting more concrete 'yes I really like you, this could go somewhere'. You shouldn't be feeling like number 17, he's not making you feel like a prize at all. Don't throw in the towel yet but perhaps start to pull back and distract yourself. I'm not sure how other irons would be a useful distraction though if Twix is expecting you to be exclusive. At some point if it's not making you feel good, you may have to make the decision to move on.

314 you really struck a nerve with the term 'place holder'. I wonder if I'm doing this with Apple . My excuse is 'getting to know him' but deep down I think we won't be suited.

Iron wise I'm reasonably quiet at the moment! Leicester who sends very occasional nice messages but is very much a back burner until he is in my local area in May. There is also Wobble a new iron who is gorgeous and I'm trying not to have any hopes about at all. There have been sporadic lovely messages but no mention of a possible date or swapping numbers yet. I'm not sure if I'm jinxing things by giving him a name, he might have unmatched me by the morning. I keep checking tinder to see if he's still there . HELP!!!

yes, tooSassy, reading back over the messages between me and IDWAR-B they were all so affectionate but every now and then there was a message to me to remind me to walk away (I'm paraphrasing here) if I wasn't happy. He put all of the responsibility on me to back away from him and surely it's easier for the person who cares less to be the one to walk away.

Like, when we had our official 'we're not doing this any more' talk, he said to me that I knew what he was like, what he wanted. And I said, and you know what I'm like and what I want!

I didn't say this, because you know, you don't think of it at the time, but if there's one thing about him that makes me feel ''wronged'' by him is that he sought that emotional closeness from somebody he knew 1) wanted a relationship & 2) had feelings for him - all the women in the world and this is the person he sought closeness from.

I swear blind, I will NEVER make this mistake again.

DrFoxtrot I'd never heard the expression until about three days ago. I was trying to google to make sense of what Bear did to me, being so close to me, and not being focused at all on sex, but on emotional intimacy, I just didn't really understand it. And I found the term on some American sites. I think it means being used as a girlfriend, sort of. It's not like fwb.

Handy - Sassy has said in her post what I think in a much better way than I could ever get across.

muddling good work changing your blurb!

ps, obviously he didn't 'do' anything to me. I was a fully signed up member of that dynamic. But I take responsibility for being deaf. I just wonder if he can see that he takes no responsibility for choosing the wrong person to fulfil his emotional needs.

Also, I don't even completely understand why somebody so determined not to have a relationship can have emotional needs that they go out and 'get met'. ykwim. I just stayed at home and saved and did exercise for five years when I wasn't ready for a relationsihp. I didn't go out and find lovely people to hurt.

314 I can see how I could get sucked into using Apple as a place holder. It's not just the sex, it's the emotional hook of exchanging messages and other things that come with being close to someone (anyone suitable who happens to be there ). This has further convinced me he's not for me. Although I think he's moosehunting today - I had four messages in a row earlier which is not like him at all.

But on the other hand, I wonder if I'm just holding back as I've been hurt badly before. I like to think I'm an open book and ready to give myself to someone but I do think now I have a bit of a wall up. I'm actually worried about falling for him.

Ok amazing ladies. Firstly thankyou AnaChronism thanks for posting the Amy Young vid. I roared with laughter!!!! Brilliant!!! And Sassy thanks for putting so brilliantly!!! Also 314 and, well all of you...

I'm not sure that Twix is messing me about in an indecisive hot/cold way. More that he's set himself on a deliberately slowww paced train track. Kind of tallies with his personality. Lord only knows if/when he will arrive at Destination 'oh yeah Handy's actually amazing' and I won't hang around indefinitely for that. Please, wonderful thread, make sure I do not do that. You all have permission to go into straight-talking mode if I start making excuses at any point.

I think deep down Twix told me what I already knew. Which was why it was so hard to start the convo. I fully clocked, mentally the 'he made me feel kinda unspecial' but feel like it has also cleared the air, and you know what? I feel calmer! Less insecure, less angst, more 'meh' about him.

He has been sending me lots of messages tonight. One was even borderline affectionate (and yes I'm aware there's a possibility that allowing him to get away with making me feel non special has rewarded him for shit behaviour and made him keener) but I'm just that bit less connected or attracted to the whole idea of Twix now.. The texts were not as anticipated my end. They were a little bit 'meh' in my inbox.

Am disengaging, distracting myself (working loads this weekend and can't see him til next Tuesday and have masses of stuff to finish my garden). And am gonna 'go with the flow' him right back for the time being. For maybe 3 months see him more as a fwb.

So that's my Plan!!!!!!!!!

Been following some of these threads but haven't posted so much as have only had one iron so didn't feel qualified to post!

But I feel I need advice and it's best to get it here.

Short version-Seeing a lovely guy officially since January chatted for about 3/4 months on WhatsApp before that.
Great mind blowing chemistry etc but in reality won't work as long term thing.(life going in different directions/purposes)
But I want to ask him to be exclusive/be my bf but don't know how to do so.

I'm a bit shy/fear of rejection when it comes to this stuff.
Any tips or should I get a virtual slap?

Morning! Not one response from my messages I sent yesterday, miserable so and so's
But still talking to scorpio guy and had a top prospect guy message me as well from pof.
Match had a 27 year old who sells collectible yankee candles and a specific Toby jug noone else in the uk can sell...think i might pass on that one!

314 it sounds like the Bear situation really hurt you. So sorry. I totally agree with everything you've said. Two days ago I woke up to a drunk text from tree2 saying he missed me. Missed me??? Set alarm bells off in my head. He really treated his disclosure as removing any boundaries of what was ok. Total onus on me to set them otherwise he would have happily taken full time place in my head and eventually (no doubt) my bed. I looked forward 6 months and saw my tears. Not his.
to you. Thank you for helping me avoid similar pain.

waving you've not missed anything apart from standard fuckwittery. . Yay re you and MTG.

handy you have a very sensible head on your shoulders. His initial reaction is going to be to up his game, he won't like the pull away. The initial reaction could be based on ego. Give it a couple of weeks to see if he ups his game consistently after this initial response has passed.
He could of course absolutely adore you in his own way but just protect yourself a little.

weehelena after this long, I see that conversation being a natural convo. If you feel uneasy about it, have the conversation without any pressure. I.e. A very open easy question is 'so, I have a question. Are we exclusive?'
Don't ask when you're in bed or at his/ yours. Certainly don't ask after you've been drinking.
Best place is if you're out grabbing a coffee (or something) Relaxed but neutral and ask the question very casually. Then watch for the reaction. You're a very easy going person, I would have interrogated them by now!

muddling persevere!! It's a numbers game.

fox what's the deal with you and apple?

Thanks wavingnotdrowning cool name it just clicked.
That's how I feel that if he isn't keen then I will end it because I would be putting more of myself into it and would just get hurt amongst other things, as much as I'd hate to I know it's right.
We really are amazing and he is able to open/clear about his feeling but from what I've read on loads of threads that could all mean nothing.

ToosSassy yeah I don't deal with uncomfortable situation well in enclosed spaces so better I do it on a walk or else I pace the floor like a caged animal.

We have pretty much been exclusive anyway buy without formalising it really., its now doing my head in though.
I know he hasn't seen anyone else and I haven't since January but he says to me if I do let him know and then he can then he decide not to see me anymore, iv seen him once a week pretty much since Jan due to work and lack of days off he only has two days to himself and long distance.

Feels better to share it thank you.

Morning right, got my head out of my backside and caught up...

Sassy good iron management ?ironmongery?

laugh I'm sure you didn't describe your ex - you described someone who treats you well, that's who...

Freaky intermittent anxiety - totally goes with the territory. But the anxiety just needs to start decreasing at some point... that didn't happen with me. I needed to take action at the 7 week mark. Sit with it for a bit. Nothing to do yet. Apart from look forward to this weekend!!

and welcome to Toomuch (how was Tinder last night?) Scarlett and Weehelena (how about something along the lines of 'should I be dating other guys'
Maybe?)

tanya Bee? OMG! The boomerang SAHP - entitled - that's all. Bat him away like an annoying insect!

314 good thing to examine whether we are kidding ourselves about 'not investing' - I need to keep a clear head along those lines. And yes I agree the Bear thing was not fwb - friends do not short change other friends.

muddling it's a numbers game, maybe take a day off from the apps, re-energise before getting back on.

Right, onwards.... Day of running, walking, gardening, therapy.....

Morning all!

Handy Your head has not been in your backside, lovely! It's been, understandably, trying to make sense of the situation. I think you've arrived at a sensible place though, if you ARE able to pull back a bit.

Re the anxiety things...it was more, do I tell Bacon that I have anxiety issues in general, rather than revealing my specific (and largely irrational) wig outs about him? It's not a major mental health issue but it is something that I am aware of and need to actively deal with (I take St John's Wort and meditate) so does he have a right to know about that?

It may well come out at the weekend anyway as there was weirdness this morning. He messaged to say good morning, I replied, then he replied and, out of the blue, asked if I was seeing/talking to anyone else. He said he'd noticed I was on WhatsApp at "odd times" and he knows he's over thinking...I reassured him that I wasn't, that I thought I'd said that the other night and that I use WhatsApp a lot to talk to friends and also re-read his messages. He says he's fine. I've said we can talk at the weekend.
It just kind of threw me a bit. I'm not sure if he's being a bit jealous/possessive or whether, like me, he just needed a bit of reassurance that we're on the same page. We've all got our scars, right? It's almost laughable that he's worrying that I'm seeing someone else as all of your lot have been telling me to get more irons but I haven't been interested in anyone else since we matched! And with my history (of being cheated on by exP) I have very strong feelings about cheating and it's just not something I would ever do.

So yeah, turns out the Bacon-related wig out this week came from his end..who'd a thunk it?!

muddling Keep plugging away. It can be demoralising but you'll get there. FWIW, I never paid any attention to people's weight range requirements, just messaged anyone I liked the look of...what's the worst that can happen? Which sites are you using?

tanya Can you hide Bee's profile? Block him? In general pretend you never saw him? Whatever he has going on, they are HIS issues and you will drive yourself mad trying to second guess them.

314 You are in danger of beating yourself up too much about Bear. He offered you support and friendship, knowing your terms and took advantage of you. That's not your fault.

WeeHelena When I had the chat with Bacon, I think I opened it with "I'm fairly sure we are, but I just wanted to check that we are on the same page..." Something like that. Although, maybe it didn't go quite so well as I thought... But you are more than entitled to get an understanding of where you stand...so that's the angle I'd take.

Foxtrot Why are you worried about falling for Apple? He sounds like he's really into you...

Freaky how funny that Bacon had a mini-wobble. Perhaps (given the pre-date miscommunication issue) he may also have his own anxiety issues. Unless he discloses issues similar to yours, I'd hold that info back for a bit. Because there's still time for his behaviour to add up to a yellow or red flag. Evaluation Mode, never ever switch it off! And don't be tolerating any more lines of questioning about your Whatsapp activity. He asked, you answered. That's that.

I was thinking of disclosing to my Confectionery Iron (downgraded title see -hahaha!) that I've been in full-on psychotherapy for almost a year. Am glad now that he still doesn't know it.

Oh, he definitely has ex-issues. But then, by our age (he's 43, I'm 38) , who doesn't? I'm not exactly baggage-free, what with one cheating ex, one bipolar ex and my own anxiety issues. And there's DS too, not that I'd ever call my gorgeous boy "baggage".

But I'm aware of all of that and don't think it would cause a barrier to a relationship. Open, honest communication will be my mantra...but I agree that holding back a little is also wise. I don't want to show him all my scars on the 3rd date. And I also agree re questionning my WhatsApp activity. I'm glad he asked straight out, rather then stewing on it but I've answered honestly and he's just going to have to trust me now. And if he can't do that, then we're fuckered anyway.

We've messaged since, and agreed to chat tonight to make plans for Sat so I hope that'll clear the air a bit. I just want to wear my new frock and have a nice dinner (and after dinner shenanigans...)

I'll placemark. I'm in the dating game. I'm on Tinder (so far so useless) And POF, and OKCupid. Was going to sign up to eharmony and guardian soulmates but it's really pricey!

What's Tinder muddling?

Handy - my Confectionery Iron

Actually, if you look at the page about Twix on Wikipedia you can find all sorts of alternative names. I wondered about Twix Fino which was launched then "suffered some package resizing during the following months with different nutritional claims"!

Oh my goodness ScarletBegonias I just laughed so, so, hard!!!!

TwixFino. Definitely what he is now...

hilarious.