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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU DSS is DP being unfair?

261 replies

Rarity75 · 16/04/2016 22:48

I am annoyed! For context we have DSS every other weekend. My DP has a regular (monthly) commitment/hobby that lasts all day.

Initially DSS used to go with him, but he gets bored. This Sunday DH had asked me to look after him for the day. No problem I will include him on whatever I'm doing with my DD.

However tonight I find out he isn't actually playing tomorrow he is watching (and presumably) drinking with his mates. So he is choosing to that instead of spending quality time with his son. He also has his hobby on the next visit so that will be two consecutive visits the poor sod is stuck with me and DD instead of his dad. Who is the one he really is here to see!!

AIBU to really angry about this??

It was me who took both kids to the zoo, playbarn etc etc. Everytime he promised something fun it never happens! They just spend all their time on their phones/tablets barely talking. It's me who gets the board games out, plays games etc. I feel like he just isn't that invested and is a crap parent Angry

OP posts:
TresDesolee · 18/04/2016 13:22

Another one who wanted to punch the air when I read this. Well done rarity.

I was largely single for most of my early 40s with the occasional detour into men who could not have been more wrong for me. Breaking up sucks, but someone who's as fab as you sound will be happy in the long run.

Slightly hoping that you and his ex do a stand-up show together about cocklodgers and how to avoid them Grin

blindsider · 18/04/2016 13:22

coatacoffee

If there was a shit dad championship, he'd be straight through to the finals, I'm not surprised you're re-thinking your future with him

Oh come on he is being a bit selfish but that sort of behaviour wouldn't even make the qualifying rounds!!

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 13:57

I think between that and the baby he keeps going on about (despite my decision not to have another child). He think he can tie me to him.

Because isn't that what all women want? Marriage and a family?

In an ideal world and in the right relationship I would, but I also want financial security. To provide for my DD's future education and to retire with some money!!

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 18/04/2016 14:06

Well done.
I think it says a lot how men (and women) treat their kids. Dp has now and then had slight aberrations and said he's going out and leaving dss (who lives with us 90% of the time), but when I have pointed out he's being an idiot he has agreed and not done it.

Your dp certainly was taking the piss. As soon as you said he kept talking about a baby I thought maybe you should end it, even without all the other bits.

Stay strong. He doesn't deserve you. Dss has been lucky to have you in his life.

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 14:07

That sounded bitter. He is a dreamer. He wants that dream of a 'normal' life.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 18/04/2016 14:12

You sound like a very sensible person, OP. I'm sorry that he's turned out to be such a disappointing partner. You deserve so much better than him.

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 14:26

I don't feel sensible, I feel upset, and a bit lost. I'm dreading going home and he turns up and begs me to stay. I don't want a scene with my daughter there.
He hasn't replied to my last text asking him if he has sorted himself out somewhere to go. I'm worried.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 18/04/2016 14:27

Can you send anyone round to check. Or do a drive by yourself X

dinkystinky · 18/04/2016 14:29

OP - you sound like a lovely sensible caring person. You and your DD deserve better (as does your DSS) than you've had from your DP. Its not about the grand gestures, its about living each day as a couple/parent/family and caring and supporting each other - which you are so not getting from him.

blindsider · 18/04/2016 14:32

The bottom line OP is it is your house you can do what you like, he can say he doesn't want to go until he is blue in the face if you want him out he must go. With a 5 your old DD in residence I believe the police will remove him if necessary.

(I hope it doesn't come to that)

HSMMaCM · 18/04/2016 14:46

Good luck rarity. You have made the right decision for yourself and your DD.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2016 15:26

What are you worried about?
Can someone go round there with you later on?
It might take more than one of you to move his cocklodging arse!

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 17:47

I'm worried about him pulling emotional heartstrings around my 5 year old. I'm worried that I'm at home and there has been no contact from him. I don't know if/when he is turning up for his stuff. Or more likely he is hoping to talk me round and stay. So I'm basically on tenterhooks. I just want it over with.

OP posts:
MLGs · 18/04/2016 17:48

How's it going op. Have read the whole thread and so glad you have decided to get rid. He won't change, and at least it is your house and you have legal right to throw him out.

Do you have some (dad, brother, male friend) who can go with you and make sure he's gone? Can you leave DD with someone (you mentioned your mum) while you check he's gone and if necessary phone the police? I guess you don't want her to see that.

HSMMaCM · 18/04/2016 17:48

Bag his stuff up ready to go

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 18:14

He is here, refusing to leave. Very sorry etc etc. Has no where else to go. I have told him to contact his family and that he cannot stay here. So far very calm. He is very much about how he feels.

My dad is nearly 70 and 40 mins away.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/04/2016 18:15

Book him a travelodge and a taxi, if that doesn't work, police

Merd · 18/04/2016 18:25

Stay strong! You are doing amazingly and I'm sorry if my earlier air-punch comment seemed to ignore how difficult this is for you - of course it's never easy ending a relationship. But I'm so glad for you and your daughter that you are.

He's an adult man, he's not your responsibility. He's had a wake-up call already with his last relationship. He will probably sadly keep repeating these patterns. But that's not your responsibility to fix.

Merd · 18/04/2016 18:30

One other thing though that's pinged into my head - you said earlier in the thread you were worried about him getting angry.

Is that the kind of bloke he is and if so, can you get away from him if he switches from pleading to venomous this evening?

Do call the police if he turns nasty or refuses to leave, they'll be used to helping in these situations.

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 18:32

Thank you all. Have found a room in a hostel. I am just avoiding him at the moment. It's half an hour until bedtime so trying to keep things peaceful.

OP posts:
Daenerys2 · 18/04/2016 18:32

He's in the hostel? Or you?

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 18:49

No I have found an available room tonight, for him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/04/2016 18:49

Have you got his keys back?

Original poster
Rarity75 · 18/04/2016 18:56

I will be shortly. He just isn't hearing what I am saying to him. It's all about him. And we can only talk in code with DD around.

If I can't sort this peacefully tonight it will have to be with my parents support tomorrow.

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 18/04/2016 18:56

Oh Rarity well done! But this bit isn't easy. The hard bit of being firm in the face of him pleading and promising to change. Then the grieving for the relationship it should have been.

You know what you want and it's not this - and you'll never get the peaceful supportive relationship you want whilst you're with him.

Read back what you've written about him:

His sudden temper, his sulking, the lack of responsibility. His attitude to parenting, he is very old school.
He also teases and says not nice things as a joke.