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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU DSS is DP being unfair?

261 replies

Rarity75 · 16/04/2016 22:48

I am annoyed! For context we have DSS every other weekend. My DP has a regular (monthly) commitment/hobby that lasts all day.

Initially DSS used to go with him, but he gets bored. This Sunday DH had asked me to look after him for the day. No problem I will include him on whatever I'm doing with my DD.

However tonight I find out he isn't actually playing tomorrow he is watching (and presumably) drinking with his mates. So he is choosing to that instead of spending quality time with his son. He also has his hobby on the next visit so that will be two consecutive visits the poor sod is stuck with me and DD instead of his dad. Who is the one he really is here to see!!

AIBU to really angry about this??

It was me who took both kids to the zoo, playbarn etc etc. Everytime he promised something fun it never happens! They just spend all their time on their phones/tablets barely talking. It's me who gets the board games out, plays games etc. I feel like he just isn't that invested and is a crap parent Angry

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 19/04/2016 09:23

Well DONE. It will feel shit for a while but you know it's the right thing. If you have a wobble, remember you are showing your DD the excellent example that her mother won't stand for useless cocklodging layabout men.

How are you doing today?

missybct · 19/04/2016 09:31

High five, OP.

How are you feeling today? Flowers You've done the right thing, for sure.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/04/2016 09:49

Bloody hell I am so glad you kicked him out!

springydaffs · 19/04/2016 10:34

Well done. Very impressive of you Flowers

If you're anything like me, I felt shit when I left my marriage. For very good reason, mind, but I did feel awful.

Go easy on yourself, you've done the right thing.

Hope you get to see dss. His mum sounds great! Two lovely women and a feckless man Sad

Original poster
Rarity75 · 19/04/2016 10:58

Morning, I feel rubbish today. I'm having lots of messages about how his life is a failure. How he wants to fight for his family etc etc.

I have pointed out that once again it is all about him and his needs. I have stopped replying to him.

I feel really sad, think I'm going to take DD away for a night over the weekend. Have a nice treat.

OP posts:
TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/04/2016 11:04

If he carries on with the childish guilt trips then block his number, it's not your problem any more.

Going away at the weekend sounds like a good idea. It will give you a chance to clear your head and do something fun, just you and your DD.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2016 11:10

about how his life is a failure
Yes indeed - and guess who's fault that is?
Yours you knobhead! (that's him I'm talking to)

HIS family?
He wasn't even with HIS son all day over the weekend.
Wasn't even there to take him back for drop off.

He isn't your son and your DD isn't his so where is this family he is soon keen on?
Good he's a prick.

I hope you feel the relief soon rather than the sadness and I hope you get angry with the 'me me me' shite soon.

Ignore, delete and move on with your life (easier said than done I know!)

Have a lovely night away from it all with DD. Enjoy that!

Costacoffeeplease · 19/04/2016 11:17

Just block him, you don't need to hear his self pitying bleating - he's the one who's cocked up his life, hopefully this is the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out - look on it as your good deed for the day

hejsvejs · 19/04/2016 12:01

He's being ridiculous, you've pointed out several times before that he needed to change but he didn't. It's his own fault he kept ignoring your pleas thinking you'd always be his doormat.

All his own doing, don't feel guilty.

My husband did this to me too, I kept begging him to help with housework etc but he never did. Then he was surprised when I finally left.

Cocoabutton · 19/04/2016 12:57

Getting some space for you and DD and a change of scenery is a good idea! I spent the summer after separating from ex discovering all these great places I had never been. Very cathartic.

There is no family, though, with him, in a meaningful sense of the word. There is you and Dd (your family) and his ex and DS (his ex-family). You tried to make a blended family with him but you did most, if not all, of the care work, including for his DS. That is what I felt like with xH (also blended family) when we separated - it was all ideas of family in his head. Not actual work for him to be part of a family.

Be gentle on yourselfFlowers

OTheHugeManatee · 19/04/2016 13:34

How he wants to fight for his family etc etc.

I think you'll find that's 'meal ticket' not 'family' he wants to fight for. YOU tried to make a family with him. HE used you as unpaid childcare and while leeching off you. No wonder he's begging to come back - he had a cushy number, and now you're on to him he'll do anything in his power to reel you back in.

Second the suggestions to block his number. And yes, go away somewhere nice for a break.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 15:30

This is actually the hard part op - not giving in when you feel wretched.

When I left my ex I was guilt ridden and missed him but I had fab support and kept moving forward. After a few months I honestly felt like a massive weight had just fell off my shoulders.

Book a holiday for you and dd, give you something to look forward too Flowers

Original poster
Rarity75 · 19/04/2016 16:18

I have lost my adrenaline from yesterday. I am home and I'm really tired. I responded to a text which said I was his world with the below -

I am sorry but what a load of twaddle.
You do not worship the ground I walk on.

You would not behave so selfishly. You wouldn't talk down to me like you do. You would have busted your balls to get a job, to have some pride in bringing home a wage no matter what the job.

But you didn't. You looked down your nose at jobs, didn't even bother looking half the time, refused to apply because of hours, had to be goaded into doing a minimal amount of housework. Lost your temper for stupid minor things.

You let me carry the strain of a responsible job and financial worries. You took money for yourself when you knew I could ill afford it. And you moaned constantly about the state of the house, my parenting skills and how stressed you were. How the hell do you think I feel/felt??

Explain to me how your actions demonstrate how much you worship me.

Probably not a good idea to respond but I got angry. All I have had today is I'm sorry, I will change. I don't believe he can change.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 19/04/2016 16:20

Block him, seriously, just block him

hejsvejs · 19/04/2016 16:28

Well done, that was a great message to send. You've explain to him why you've left him and how his actions affected you.

It should give him food for thought for any future relationships.

You don't need to explain this to him any further and you don't owe him anything. Cut contact and move on.

dinkystinky · 19/04/2016 16:36

Well done OP - you've told him you're not buying his crap. Now block him. Focus on looking after yourself and your DD - and plan something nice for the two of you to do this weekend.

AuntieMaryHadACanary · 19/04/2016 17:37

I think you sent a great message. But agree with PPs, you've said your bit, now resist the urge to communicate further. You're only giving him more chances to manipulate your emotions.
I think you've been amazing, take strength from that and be kind to yourself.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 19/04/2016 17:53

Well done Rarity - you really have done the right thing.

Give yourself time, although it might not take you too long to appreciate that a weight has lifted off your shoulders and you are not constantly feeling compromised.

It's unlikely that your ex--DP will change at this stage of his life, and will probably go on to pastures new where he can be carried through life suiting himself until it all goes pear-shaped again.

Good luck - you're a good women x

Cocoabutton · 19/04/2016 18:00

No, he can't change.

Copy, paste and print out that text and post it somewhere you can see it. Minus the 'how do you think I felt?' You do not need his validation for your feelings.

Of course you are tired. As well as carrying the financial, domestic and emotional strain of your relationship and both DC, last night was fraught. Focus on you, your DD and your life and be very grateful you did not ever marry him Flowers

rollonthesummer · 19/04/2016 18:06

Brilliant reply, OP. I'm so impressed. I read so many posts on here where people want advice but then don't leave their idiot partners. You have done so well and your last text was spot on.

Stop engaging now-no replies-or just a quick-'I'm made my point, I'm not discussing it any more'-will do.

Stay strong!

Joysmum · 19/04/2016 18:43

Good for you. So glad you've been able to clearly express yourself. You deserve more, it's just a question as to whether he could be more and you don't seem hopeful of that so you're doing the right thing.

Scarydinosaurs · 19/04/2016 19:16

Well done and good luck- block him and move on!

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/04/2016 19:27

Just read the whole thread - bloody well done op! You must have been on the brink of doing it anyway for things to have moved so fast; MN just gave you a nudge. Excellent decision Flowers

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 19/04/2016 20:49

Brilliant text message, but don't engage any further. Well done love - that's the hardest bit over and done with now.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 20:53

Wow. There is no wiggle room in that text.

Block and turn your phone off op

Have you plans for the weekend?