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Original poster

AIBU DSS is DP being unfair?

261 replies

Rarity75 · 16/04/2016 22:48

I am annoyed! For context we have DSS every other weekend. My DP has a regular (monthly) commitment/hobby that lasts all day.

Initially DSS used to go with him, but he gets bored. This Sunday DH had asked me to look after him for the day. No problem I will include him on whatever I'm doing with my DD.

However tonight I find out he isn't actually playing tomorrow he is watching (and presumably) drinking with his mates. So he is choosing to that instead of spending quality time with his son. He also has his hobby on the next visit so that will be two consecutive visits the poor sod is stuck with me and DD instead of his dad. Who is the one he really is here to see!!

AIBU to really angry about this??

It was me who took both kids to the zoo, playbarn etc etc. Everytime he promised something fun it never happens! They just spend all their time on their phones/tablets barely talking. It's me who gets the board games out, plays games etc. I feel like he just isn't that invested and is a crap parent Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Rarity75 · 16/04/2016 23:54

I just really want to change this. But I can't can I? I can try to make him do more but I shouldn't have to. He should want to. He thinks he is a good dad Confused

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 00:06

No-one has said LTB yet so let me do it. That's HIS little boy dear God that kid will hate him one day, and it wouldnt surprise me if his DM stopped contact. I'm not surprised it's left you re-evaluating your whole relationship, it would me

Isetan · 17/04/2016 07:19

Get rid of this lazy, entitled and selfish idiot. This is who he is and he's obliviously reached the stage where he doesn't feel the need to continue pretending he isn't.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/04/2016 07:28

If there was a shit dad championship, he'd be straight through to the finals, I'm not surprised you're re-thinking your future with him

QuiteLikely5 · 17/04/2016 07:38

For a start stop watching his son for him. Say nope.

I wouldn't constantly tell him how to parent but just make sure you aren't the one parenting his son for him.

You are correct in thinking it takes more than showing up to be a good parent there is so much more to it than that!

missybct · 17/04/2016 07:49

Bloody hell - not only is he treating his son like crap and picking him/dropping him when suits (despite having him every OTHER weekend, not as if he's full time), he's treating you like a live in nanny and the whole "martyr" shit speaks volumes towards how he sees you. Basically, he wants you to put up and shut up. Is this relationship equal in other areas?

My OH has a hobby that requires regular training, and we have DSS every weekend, but OH manages to fit it in at a time when it's either just me and him (during the week) and once at weekends - this suits me fine, as gives me a chance for me and DSS to hang out. OH never takes the piss with this, and will always drop it if necessary.

Scarydinosaurs · 17/04/2016 07:50

I would find it very difficult to love a man like that.

Your poor DSS

Hissy · 17/04/2016 07:59

He lost his first wife and only gets to see his child in access times.

You would think that would be enough of a kick in the bollocks for him to change wouldn't you?

If it didn't occur to him not to be a selfish prick then, when would it?

As for being an arsehole to you for pointing this crapdad stuff out, fuck that! Call him out on that took

I too would fail to have any respect for a man like this.

If he knew he had this thing he wanted to go to this weekend, why not raise it in advance like an adult? Either swap a weekend over with the boys mum, or agree with you and his ds that you will do something with him that day. All out in the open. It's the dawn of realisation that he's covered this up that irks me.

Wtf would he do if he didn't have you in his life? How would he have his son then?

Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 10:08

He is a dick. He is still going despite me saying I think it is unfair on his son. He says 'I told you two weeks ago'. Yes he did but not that he was only watching!!!! Angry
Oh and can he have £40 because he owes some bloke money? Really what the hell? Now I have two kids and limited funds. Thanks very much asshole Angry

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Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 10:10

Oh and now I'm getting texts telling me how much he loves me, every minute of the day, I m his world.

He obviously thinks I am a push over and so desperate for love he can treat me like a doormat.

What am I doing with him?? And why is it so hard to say enough I can't do this any more??

OP posts:
FishTailPlait · 17/04/2016 10:18

You've made a start by telling us. I don't normally post here but I feel bad for you, your dss & your situation. It sounds like this guy will never step up. I would be asking him to shape up or ship out!

Lunar1 · 17/04/2016 10:24

He's a prat and his son deserves better.

inlectorecumbit · 17/04/2016 10:41

Spell it out to him the way you have here. He is neither a good dad or a good DP . Text him something back like "this arrangement is not working for me anymore. You have to make alternative arrangements for your DS when you are doing your hobby" and stick to it.
I do realise that you don't mind looking after him but that is not the point at all. It is contact with his DF not you that is arranged.
Oh and you may be "his world" but his poor DS certainly in not.
You need to think very carefully about your relationship with your P

Moreisnnogedag · 17/04/2016 10:46

He's only sending that because he knows he's in the wrong. You know what you need to do.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/04/2016 10:50

Gosh what a creep - big decision time

mithy · 17/04/2016 10:50

Why did you give him the money? You really are waaaaaay too nice.

Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 10:54

I know that's my biggest failing. I'm too bloody nice. Stupid woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 10:56

The creeping and crawling with the 'love you' texts just pisses me off. He honestly thinks I'm stupid doesn't he? That a little pat on the head and I'll stop being mean to him.
He hasn't got a full time job. Doesn't qualify for benefits and I know he would end up in a bed sit somewhere. Which at 40 is dire. He also wouldn't be able to have DSS overnight. I shouldn't but would feel responsible.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 17/04/2016 10:59

Why would you feel responsible? He's a grown man, he can sort himself out

It sounds as though you're providing convenient board and lodging and babysitting

FeckTheMagicDragon · 17/04/2016 11:02

Text 'if I'm your world then don't go to your hobby this weekend and spend some time with your son or I will be bringing him back home to his mother and telling her why. Be a proper father. And a proper husband. Or I won't be your world for very much longer.'

Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 11:04

Would t be so bad if he paid rent! It all moved really fast (I know bad sign). I had been single for a while and had a dead relationship before. I wanted to be happy, have a family that worked. He was funny, affectionate and treated me well. He is still affectionate but there are aspects of his behaviour I do t like. His sudden temper, his sulking, the lack of responsibility. His attitude to parenting, he is very old school.
He also teases and says not nice things as a joke. Yet can be lovely too, cooks, washes dishes.
Aaaahhh!!!!!

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/04/2016 11:04

Your partner is a complete wanker and an appalling father to his child. I suspect you can see this clearly now. It's going to be a heart-breaker to end the relationship with him and I expect all contact with his little boy could come to an end. How sad for everyone. But most especially his son. I don't envy you at all.

Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 11:05

Good post feck it's too late, he got a lift there and can't get back on his own. But I like the sentiment, will send something along the lines of if I am your world why are you not here with us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rarity75 · 17/04/2016 11:07

His mum is aware we are having problems and has said to me that we could still see DSS if the relationship ends. I didn't want to hear that at the time and am not sure if it would actually happen. But it was lovely of her to say that.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/04/2016 11:10

OK, so as well as failure as a father to his son he's now your cocklodger.

You know what you need to do. Please do it soon