AIBU DSS is DP being unfair?

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I am annoyed! For context we have DSS every other weekend. My DP has a regular (monthly) commitment/hobby that lasts all day.

Initially DSS used to go with him, but he gets bored. This Sunday DH had asked me to look after him for the day. No problem I will include him on whatever I'm doing with my DD.

However tonight I find out he isn't actually playing tomorrow he is watching (and presumably) drinking with his mates. So he is choosing to that instead of spending quality time with his son. He also has his hobby on the next visit so that will be two consecutive visits the poor sod is stuck with me and DD instead of his dad. Who is the one he really is here to see!!

AIBU to really angry about this??

It was me who took both kids to the zoo, playbarn etc etc. Everytime he promised something fun it never happens! They just spend all their time on their phones/tablets barely talking. It's me who gets the board games out, plays games etc. I feel like he just isn't that invested and is a crap parent

Have texted as feck suggested will see what he says.
My prediction is 'OMG' you are overeacting which is what he always says when I put my foot down. Followed by apologies and promises.

So, not only does he not work full-time and doesn't contribute towards the rent, he's taken FORTY QUID off you? That's not even factoring in the reason for you starting this thread.

Dear God in heaven!

Please get shot of him. He saw a good thing when he got involved with you. I'm not surprised that he got his feet under your table in double-quick time. He fully deserves to live in some squalid bed-sit somewhere.

He's taken full advantage of you and he's quite brazen about it. Time to get rid.

So he's just nice enough to keep you hanging on - but the real him comes out when things don't go his way

He sounds a real prize op, no choice but to get rid I think

A genuine gold plated MN cocklodger. This leech in human form is stealing from you.

He's got you paying him for the privilege of looking after his kid.
I don't think there's a mate that he owes, that's his beer fund for the afternoon.

I'm firmly convinced that being forced to live in a bedsit can be a very positive experience. Some people just need to hit rock bottom so they can learn to swim on their own. Actually, I would go as far as saying that if had not been so broke as a student, I wouldn't have learned to take such good care of my finances, stuff and above all, my job.

In few words, he seems to be an irresponsible arse, who non only dumps his responsibilities on other people's shoulders and expects them to support his irresponsible way of living.

Don't feel guilty, if you kick him out and he cannot even afford to have his child overnight, you may be forcing him to face reality or liberating that child from a highly neglectful dad who is not even q door example to follow (and that goes before saying the amount of misery you would avoid in the future).

Sorry I haven't been replying I've been entertaining the children. I am reading all of your replies though.

I have yet to receive a reply to my earlier text message telling him we are obviously not his world as he isn't here. Also that I wouldn't be in it much longer without drastic change.

Also DSS tells me his mum has moved house this weekend and he doesn't know where it is!! Kind of got to see the funny side of that or if be pulling my hair out!

well he hasn't changed at all and learnt nothing from his previous failed relationship. he's just found himself another 'mug' to play. (sorry, don't mean that to sound harsh)

As women we almost ALWAYS martyr ourselves to take care of others. however, he's a grown man who IS capable of being a responsible adult and parent but he CHOOSES not to. You need to detach from him enough emotionally so you don;'t feel like your his mother or that you're responsible for him. The £40 he allegedly owes - his debt so he can pay for it from his own money. he hasn't got any? Tough - get a job. plus, i think that was more likely for extra drinking money than a debt. He's living the life of riley, all his hobbies and drinking paid for, his parenting done by you, living costs paid for by you, no doubt he gets enough sex too.

a changed man? you mean the world to him? he loves you?
well actions say more than words and i don't see anything loving, caring or understanding in his actions. it's all about him.

don't you think you deserve better than the lie he's selling you?

firstly, i would refuse to have dss there when he is not taking the lead. you can go out and see dss and spend the day with him - but make a point of it. i know it will bother you but remember - your not responsible for his relationship with his father. make a point of going to pick up dss from his mums/mils, spending the day and dropping him back off. if his dad doesn't arrange the day then he doesn't get to join in. harsh and uncomfortable but he obviously doesn't really give a shit about anyone elses feelings or needs.

and i'd tell him to move out and take responsibility for his life.

He has finally responded to my text to tell him DSS is staying for tea as his mum is still getting sorted from moving house over the weekend.

I asked him what time he would be returning. He said if I wanted to I could pick him up at 4. He is a half hour car ride away. I told him in a word - no. You got yourself there get yourself back. Bloody fucking cheek

I seem to spend more and more time imaging life without him. How much calmer it would be. Lonely and less physical affection too. But I don't think the positives are any where near enough to out way the negatives. I'm just not ready to call it a day. I don't know why I can't do it.

Because you foresee that you'd be lonely?

Quite honestly, being with someone like him makes being alone and self-sufficient pretty bloody attractive!

No man rather than this one would be a million times better. Both in practical terms, and for your self-esteem and mental health.

This man is a bad 'un. Selfish, irresponsible and a Grade A user. You can do better than this.

Only you can decide whether you want to carry on being taken for granted and disrespected like this. What kind of example are you setting your daughter? Do you want her to put up with someone like him when she grows up?

Sounds like his ex has the measure of him which is why she has said what she said and would be happy to have you and your ds meet with her ds in the future.

She sounds like she's been there and got the t shirt.

I'm not sure that anyone else has said it but you are a fabulous step mum! I'm glad DSS has you in his life and I know that at the moment you are torn about splitting with his useless father but as you seem to get on well with DPs mum and DSS's mum then contact could be retained with DSS.

You aren't responsible for another adults actions. Nor are you responsible for his lack of work, money or home if you split with him. He's 40 and still acting like a teenager drifting through life expecting the world to pick up after him and sort out all his problems.

I think that it would be better if you split and DSS couldn't stay overnight with his dad. Poor kid would only have one day being ignored by his father instead of two.

What was the reason given for the period of NC with his DS at the start of your relationship? Do you believe him? I suspect his hands-off attitude to parenting his own child was a factor.

The nc was due to the lack of a stable home environment for DSS to spend time with him. He lived above a pub and his mum didn't want him to go there. Or so I have been told.

His marriage went south when he lost his mum and spent all of his time in the pub drowning his sorrows. After trying I think for some time his ex found someone else. I recognises his role in that although is still bitter that she cheated on him. Personally I think he had checked out already. Although I don't condone cheating I can understand how it happened.

Should say he recognises his role. He has also said he would never let his hobby and the pub ruin his life again. Guess he has forgotten that promise.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is privately (and to his mates) gleeful at his good training of you. He even got money from your purse to fund his neglect of his son.

You know his drill, the sorry's and love you's are token, so are your protests at his behaviour. You both know it.

I don't think you are such a toothless tiger. I think you are a strong woman who has the resolve and the power to master her own future. Aren't you?

Never shy away from the hard conversations

It isn't what someone SAYS, it is what they DO.

Anyone can say anything, make promises, threats, utter kind words.

What counts is actions.

Take a cold hard look at the facts.

Yes it has become a pattern. Then he will behave for a bit, be really interested in me. Until the next time. He is always full of dreams of the future but short of action to achieve it.

I guess I am shying away from the hard conversation because if I play the ostrich I don't have to deal with the fall out. The upset for the kids, the upheaval of moving him out. The pain of the relationship ending. I can rationalise it all. I can see that this is no good for me. I am tired of backing the wrong horse and I'm tired of not having what others around me have. A stable family home and a loving relationship.

At the very least as much as he is an arse he brings me cups of tea, hugs me after a bad day. Texts me through the day, is company. All that sounds pathetic really doesn't it? I wonder if that dream of a happy ever after is a reality for most people or do we all have periods where we actively dislike our OH?

Yes baby that is exactly what I have said to him on more than one occasion.

He us completely ignoring the text where is told him I wouldn't be part of his world for much longer. He has rang up to talk to DSS. Didn't even mention it. That's my own fault, he doesn't believe I really mean it. I've said as much before and never followed through.

I've been married nearly 30 years, we met in 1987 - he's not perfect and gets on my nerves at times of course, and I'm sure I get on his - but he's never acted like this

Why don't some people understand that contact is about spending time with your child - not giving the RP a break or just having them under your roof.

You sound like a lovely SM by the way, and you are absolutely right in pulling him up on this.

Unanimous opinion on here though. I think I'm going to write it all down. Look at it in black and white not emotionally. I need to believe i am worth a relationship that is better than this one! A better man for me and my DD. I don't owe him anything.