fuck, it's over, please help me

[jip123]

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

just read your posts OP and wanted to say, you sound like you're doing an AWESOME job by keeping going - you are amazing and keep at it! you are setting a wonderful example for your DD to show you are worth more than your ex xx unmumsnetty big hugs

Words to live by.

Well I found the proof. He has been fucking her for months. In my house, in my car.

He has bribed my child with chocolate to not tell me who they saw or where they went.

He is not remorseful at all. He is 'in love ' with her apparently

I'm heartbroken

Anyone? I am breaking all over again

My friend has DD. I am just falling apart

Dirty bastard!

You WILL get through this! You are not falling apart you are experiencing a normal reaction to a betrayal and traumatic discovery. Where are you with practical/financial stuff? Focusing on a 'to do' list can help.

Keep eating, drinking (not alcohol and preferably not caffeine as that can make anxiety worse) and sleeping when and however you can. I slept on the sofa until I moved out the marital home as couldn't face the marital bedroom. My new bedroom was purple and sparkly

Take vitamins of you're not eating much, have things like smoothies and soup if you're not eating much too. See gp if you're really struggling.

I'm so so sorry, OP.

Your return to work will be your anchor. Take strength from that. What he did with her, when, how and how often is not relevant - assume it was everything all of the time - then try to protect yourself emotionally by not looking for evidence, thinking about it - as it is like poking the hornets nest and only you will get hurt. Try to bat the intrusive thoughts away - get distracted, go for a walk, call a friend etc.

Try to choose to use your finite emotions positively with your DD, F&F, at work for yourself - try not to engage with him. Get legal advice, get him out and bolt the door behind him.

Take care of yourself first as your DD needs you to be healthy.

Okay. I need a to do list. I can't face food. This hurts like hell

Oh you poor thing, what a total bastard. How did you find this out? It's just the utter disrespect and cruelty. Hugs and thoughts.

I read his FB messages, I knew he was lying. He is more angry that I read his messages than bothered about the hurt he has caused.

You have been so strong, dealing with your illnesses, dealing with his deceit and going back to work.

This last event should give you the final push of anger that you need to get him out and build a new and better life for you and your lovely DD.

He is so typical, minimizing his awful behaviour and the faux outrage that you found him out. He's not even a grow up...which is probably why he went for someone who has only been an adult for 12 months.

Have you seen your solicitor?

Cheaters always, lie, minimise, with-hold, gaslight ..... he will continue to do so - there are no surprises here.

Your focus needs to be to detach from him and this mess so that you can protect yourself and be there emotionally for DD.

Use your anger and energy to look forward - getting your ducks in a row, keeping yourself emotionally healthy and focusing on your future.

Do not expose yourself to anymore of this. There is nothing more to know that will help you - assume they did it all the time, every which way and are soul mates, destined to be together for ever - then nothing can hurt you.

Okay, I guess that makes sense, I'll assume they are soul mates and have done everything everywhere.

I am angry. I'm done.

What? He bribed your child. That would be it for me. What an idiot. He wouldn't be coming anywhere near me or my child again.
Get angry. Don't engage with this useless nothing again. So angry. The low life.

Let him go with his girlfriend. It wont last. You are so much better than him.

I know. That feels like the biggest betrayal to be honest. although the number of times he has lied to my face is quite startling. Poor DD, so unfair.

I am of course letting him go with his girlfriend, unfortunately he can't actually go with her as her mum won't have him to stay she doesn't drive, and obviously he won't be touching my car again, so I guess they can fuck in a park or something, sure it will lose its appeal fairly quickly once she realises he is an absolute waste of space.

I have spoken to most of my friends, explained what has happened and am gathering an army of amazing support. I have spoken to family and they are wonderful and have offered all levels of support, my grandad is the cutest man ever!!!!

I actually, totally randomly, won an award last night at work. The last thing I wanted was to go to the awards do but I thought there was no point moping around and I might as well have a drink with my colleagues and I only flipping won!! I had no speech prepared or anything. I also took DD with me (didn't want to leave her with him) and she ended up on the stage while I was hashing up a speech and shouted 'my mummy is the winner' which was the best speech I could have given!! Ahhh, it could be worse I guess.

Been getting messages from an old friend who I have barely spoken to but who has heard about all this, she is absolutely livid and prepared to bring the heavies in if I need to get him out. Seems I have more people than I thought I did.

Although my best mate is fucking useless, I guess you find out who your true friends are.

Shall stop rambling now

You're doing amazing OP. Congratulations on your award that's fantastic! And hopefully lifted your spirits a bit?
Keep doing what ure doing, you'll be fine it sounds like you have a fantastic support network around you, what him and his slut do is no concern to you anymore beyond getting him out of your life.

I realise this is a bit pathetic but I feel really bad about his little slut. I have been sleeping with him (in some sick part of the pick me dance) I have stopped once I realised what I was doing. But he was telling her that he loved her, on one occasion sleeping with us on the same day she seems to have genuinely beloved we were separated, she just fell for the same bullshit I did. She's only 19, she is probably going to fall for his lies. I actually feel super bad like I was cheating on her or something....there are TOOO MANY emotions in this, wish I could turn them off

I realise this is a bit pathetic but I feel really bad about his little slut. I have been sleeping with him (in some sick part of the pick me dance) I have stopped once I realised what I was doing. But he was telling her that he loved her, on one occasion sleeping with us on the same day she seems to have genuinely beloved we were separated, she just fell for the same bullshit I did. She's only 19, she is probably going to fall for his lies. I actually feel super bad like I was cheating on her or something....there are TOOO MANY emotions in this, wish I could turn them off

Hi shoeaddict, sorry!! I missed your message, the award did perk me up a bit, all the important people were there and it has made my department look fantastic. Considering I haven't actually been in work much this year it shows how valued I am.

exactly jip you are valued at work and by your family and friends and you need to focus on that!
DO NOT feel guilty for what he has done - it is entirely his doing and im sorry but how could she not know about you and your DD? Where did she think he was living? you even said you know they did it at your house so she must have seen both of your things there, photos etc so was well aware you existed!

You will feel a huge amount of emotions - speaking from experience i found out my fiancee had an OW for two years and dumped me 3 months before our wedding and married her instead. its agony and you do blame yourself but try to get past it and focus on all the good things you have and the future. You will come out of this better and happy, he wont and thats all his doing. Keep doing what you are doping and focussing on you and DD, get advise from family and a solicitor, being in control will help hugely.

He told her we were over and he talked about my mental health and that he didn't want to tell me so he wouldn't make that worse. He also told her he was moving out and it was just time, he said stuff like 'it was worth putting up with me because he knew she was waiting for him' she's only 19, I guess she believed him.

urgh. Well I guess you have to be 19 to listen to someone telling you they ditched someone when they were seriously ill, because they were ill and think 'oh what a keeper - I'm so lucky - of course Ill never get ill and be ditched in me turn..because I am 19 and therefore immortal.'

Sorry I didn't see your messages yesterday - I wish I'd be around to offer hugs.