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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fuck, it's over, please help me

188 replies

jip123 · 15/04/2016 14:03

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

OP posts:
ColaSpangles · 16/04/2016 21:13

good luck, thinking of you.

pallasathena · 16/04/2016 23:21

Oh jip, you will get through this. And soon you will realise that you're worth so much more. In a sense, this is a blessing in disguise because when you're ready to move on, the only way is up and you will not only survive but brilliantly thrive - the future looks good while the past is a place best relegated to history.

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 06:43

Thank you. I'm having a bad morning...he is spending the day with her so I have DD on my own again. I know I shouldn't be bothered by that but I'm exhausted and I'm used to being able to share the responsibility.

Then tomorrow I have to go to work as part of my phased return. I am so anxious about work. It's been hell being off and it's bean a really big deal to try and go back and I'm just failing and am exhausted and I don't know if I can paint a smile on and try my best when I just want to crumble.

So tired, finding it so hard to smile for DD.

OP posts:
Niknak1980 · 17/04/2016 06:55

You must be tired out, can you plan a chilled out snuggly day with your DD so you get cuddles and can take it easy? Lots of chocolate and Disney films Smile Or can you arrange for someone to pop over and give you some company? X

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 07:09

I promised her we could see my grandad and my brother. I will take her and I will cope, I don't have much choice.

I think I'm more emotionally wrung out, he was stupidly nice last night and I let myself be there and enjoy it when j should have walked away as I know he is seeing her all day today and he's just being a dick.

I just want all this to go away, I want my old life back

OP posts:
Niknak1980 · 17/04/2016 07:19

That will be good for you, I hope you have a lovely time. All you can do is take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself, I can't imagine how difficult it must be xxx

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 07:22

I just want to stay in bed and sleep and cry. I have no idea how I will get through work tomorrow. I just can't do this

OP posts:
onanotherday · 17/04/2016 07:42

Flowers oh lovely I've been there too and I didn't believe it would get better...but it does. But first off practicalities. Do you think going back to work will help...in terms of giving you a focus and support for coĺlegues? If not then you need to see GP and HR and explain situation. As a single parent you will get financial support. This is why legal advice is needed asap also move as much money as you can for you and DD. I would wait until you know he is out get locks changed and bag up stuff an out out. He may legally have right to house but if he won't go...he can go through court...it will buy you time. But did I with your legal friend. Your mental health is really important now and everything else can be worked out.

onanotherday · 17/04/2016 07:44

Forgive typos. ..but thumbs!!

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 07:53

I don't know. I don't know if work is a good idea, I don't know how I will feel. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I just want to wake up and it's all a dream.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 17/04/2016 08:03

Work will really help you to cope. It will give you the impetus, direction and self confidence that is currently and understandably in tatters. Fake it until you make it. That's always worked for me. I survived and thrived after going through something similar.

8FencingWire · 17/04/2016 08:12

Tell your brother, ask him to come round and sort it out for you. Mine would!

Walkacrossthesand · 17/04/2016 08:15

Hi jip, I really feel for you and was where you are 20 years ago - but thats's 2 evenings when he's started out with the 'nice' act and left you feeling worse.
Can you build an emotional 5foot wall around you where he is concerned - and simply don't engage with him about anything except arrangements? He's not thinking of you or what you need, his motives for anything nice are 'suspect' and after what he's done & still doing, he is not your friend. Icy civility and no shared time is all he gets from you. Please? It took me months to manage it, and looking back it would have been so much better if I'd done it right at the start (no MN back then!!)

tipsytrifle · 17/04/2016 08:25

jip you probably won't believe this but you're amazing. You're sorting all this shit out even when you're wishing it all to be a bad dream. You're engaging with a supportive and loving family that you were drifting away from. You're thinking rationally even though you may prefer to scream.

Try to remember that you two aren't friends any more. Watching TV together isn't a cosy option. It crosses the Line you have drawn. No worries. Line painting takes awhile to get to grips with because it's such a new and extensive Line! But it's YOUR line. You own it.

It's important that you re-direct your wage asap. He only has to tell the bank he's lost his card and they'll probably replace it. Block his online access by changing p/w. This should be done in the spirit of protecting your finances for you and DD rather than a declaration of war. He hasn't sunk to his lowest yet but he will and you need to have secured as much as you can before he gets dirty about what he's "owed" and "all he's done for you" blah-blah-blah

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 09:25

I can't draw that line...I don't know how to. He smashed his iPhone in anger and I have just bought him a new one. I'm such a walkover, I just want him back.

I'm so tired and down. I feel like an empty shell of me. My brother has just texted asking if we can go for coffee and to 'talk' his girlfriend is going to take DD to the park to play. I am very lucky.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 17/04/2016 10:01

hugs for you Jip

Remember you have to knock 'should' on the head as much as possible....

Try work, if is good for you then go for it - if not then see if you can get away for a bit.

Also remember that you should be sharing childcare duties - he can't just swan off for the day when he has a DD to look after too.

Namechangingchameleon · 17/04/2016 10:02

Your brother sounds lovely. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 14:18

Yeah, I tried mentioning that this morning. I took DD to the wedding yesterday which totally wiped me, all the declarations of love and shit. So I mentioned this morning that I could do with a break especially since I'm in work tomorrow and I'm just finding it all a bit hard. I was met with comments like "she's your daughter, I'm so sorry that caring for your daughter is such hard work" so I just gave up.

Had a good chat with my bro, he is awesome, also spoke to my grandad who is super amazing and is going to help me out financially and called DH stupid which I think is the most I have ever seen him show negative emotion ever!!

OP posts:
Hubnut · 17/04/2016 16:49

God what a shithead he is jip. You really are better off without him even though it's so hard now.

I'm going to work on Tuesday. I wondered if I should let my manager know but think I'll play it by ear. I might want work to be the place where I don't talk about it all. Somewhere where I focus on something completely unrelated. We'll see, my manager is a great listener and I know she'll be supportive.

My shithead is also with his other woman today. He spent all night sobbing to me. Probably getting cuddles today. What a fucking loser

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 16:55

Right now, on here, while he is not here, I know that I am better off without him. But when he is here, I just crumble.

I have spent this afternoon getting my bedroom back, have got rid of all his stuff, some bits of furniture and rearranged the room. Have put loads of candles out and have been looking for a new mirror and a rug to make it more girly. I'm going to buy new bedding after payday too. Really nice stuff that I will enjoy sleeping in.

I am going to spend a lot of time in here I think, make it calm and mine.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 17/04/2016 18:23

Google the pick me dance- make yourself aware of it and don't do it his loss. He's a twat. Arm yourself with the script to try to handle what's next.

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 18:57

Okay, you're right. I know you are. I have googled, it's exactly what I am doing.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 17/04/2016 19:04

Take the cost of the phone off any money you do give him from the house. It sounds like buying him out for 10k would be potentially a good plan but definitely speak to a solicitor.

Original poster
jip123 · 17/04/2016 19:46

It would work out well for me as I could afford to keep the house and he would be accepting a lot less than he could potentially get if he went through court.

The phone was only £100, I really don't care that much. As long as I can keep the house for me and DD, he can have everything else. What's that song? "You've had the best of me, come on and take the rest of me?"

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 17/04/2016 22:36

That song is really wrong for you, or anyone actually. A plea to destroy someone further? Nope. Find your own song about survival. This is NOT the end of your story because you have DD and because it just isn't. Shitty though it is, this is YOUR life. What would you choose to it to be like? Now is the time to do that. You just don't get to click "undo" on life's computer screen.

Playing the pick-me shit won't turn time back. You replaced his phone and helped him resume contact with new girl, no doubt. The speed you did it defies any laws of physics and should show how you're swinging between extremes of passive and active. Down then up, dependent then not. It's a time of contradictions atm and you'll find your own balance.

You need legal advice though. All this "your daughter" stuff is actually good as it indicates he may not be planning on challenging you for residency as the prime carer. Not yet anyway.