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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fuck, it's over, please help me

188 replies

jip123 · 15/04/2016 14:03

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

OP posts:
Lea060398 · 15/04/2016 16:14

My first ever post on here and to be honest I don't have any advice but from what I've read it sounds like you're getting good advice anyway. Just wanted to say that anxiety and depression are an illness; you haven't been a dick, you've been unwell! You deserve none of this Flowers

Original poster
jip123 · 15/04/2016 16:24

Thank you ThanksThanks for everyone!!

This is really hard.

I will research legal advice over the weekend, I earn quite a lot though so I doubt I will be eligible for legal aid.

I think I'm in shock to be honest, I have no idea how to react or act.

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 15/04/2016 16:36

Do not agree to giving him any money at all.

Tell him you will not discuss anything until after you have seen a solicitor.
If at all possible stay in the house, don't you be the one to move out.

Get legal advice ASAP.
In the meantime collect together as much financial information as possible, bank statements, loan agreements, mortgage info, debts incl credit cards. Also family documents such as birth certificates.

Don't rush into anything, remember he is no longer your friend, so don't feel sorry for him about where he will stay or how he will fund his lifestyle.
Put yourself and your child first.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 15/04/2016 16:37

I think I'm in shock to be honest, I have no idea how to react or act.

Which is why posting on here was absolutely the right thing to do. People can warn you against doing things wrong so that you don't give any of your cards away.

Flowers
AdoraBell · 15/04/2016 17:10

Awww, the poor lamb has nowhere to go because bit on the side still lives her with mummy?

Tough shit. I know someone whose married BF moved in with her while she still lived at her parents.

Don't act ATM, just do the legal research and see if you can get an appointment for Monday/Tuesday to get proper advise. Remember not to agree to anything or sign anything in the meantime.

Fidelia · 15/04/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperdollCartoon · 15/04/2016 17:29

Flowers didn't want to read and run.

I've also suffered mental health problems and felt I deserved bad treatment because I was such a pain to live with. It's simply not true, you deserve love and respect, and actually even more TLC when struggling with illness. I can't remember who said thinking about what's best for your mental health at every decision, great advice you should I definitely do that.

Also someone else said most solicitors offer a free consult, this is banded about a lot on MN but is rarely true, don't assume anything. And don't give him a penny without legal advice.

You can do this! You are stronger than you know xx

sulalovesbing · 15/04/2016 17:29

Sounds like he's been riding the gravy train for too long.

He now needs to disembark.

notquitegrownup2 · 15/04/2016 17:29

Just wanted to add that you don't have to talk to him this evening, unless you want to. Your priority is to look after yourself, and then dd - anything else can wait. If he insists on talking you can say that you need more time to process this bombshell and you will talk next week (after taking legal advice). Then you can clear him a shelf in the kitchen/fridge/bathroom, and start focusing on you.

MN will be here for you 24/7. You will get through this.

SavageBeauty73 · 15/04/2016 17:31

Good luck. Stay strong.

I've been through premature twins and a nasty divorce and the prematurity was far harder. Dig deep you will get through this. Take one day at a time and get legal advice ASAP.

Original poster
jip123 · 15/04/2016 17:31

Right, I have made DD beans on toast, I'm not hungry but am forcing down some toast. We are eating it in bed watching finding nemo.

He is downstairs. I'm still alive. That is a start.

OP posts:
Original poster
jip123 · 15/04/2016 17:32

Ok, have found a family law solicitors that do a free consultation. Have a friend who is a lawyer. Will ring both on Monday.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 17:43

Obviously seeing a solicitor is the first thing.

If you go back to work do not leave your child with him - if he can argue that he is a sahp it gives him the potential to get resident parent status and remain in the house. It is very important not to set that precedent. You don't want to end up paying him spousal support and ending up the nrp to your child. Not wanting to panic you but it is important. Put your child in nursery or with a cm rather than him.

I would then cut off any access he had to my wages. Obviously you have to pay the mortgage but get him removed from your credit card, get yourself out of any joint bank account, esp if there is savings or overdraft facility. If you have any money m joint accounts take your share now.

Original poster
jip123 · 15/04/2016 17:47

I have got his joint account card. He gave it me with very little fight. My wages are paid into that, I will get him removed from it ASAP.

Fuck, so much to think about, I did not need this at the moment

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 15/04/2016 18:13

You should both get legal advice, don't hand over any money now.

What he's done with this OW is horrible. But I'm not sure it would affect his claim to be primary care-taker if he's been the SAHD for a period. Paying less probably won't stop him being entitled to a share of the house (same as it wouldn't if the mother is a SAHM contributing less to the finances).

Legal advice is essential OP, good luck.

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 18:15

It's totally shit that the time you leastbfeel like being practical, is the time when you most have to be Flowers

RedMapleLeaf · 15/04/2016 18:18

My wages are paid into that, I will get him removed from it ASAP.

Don't mention the end of the relationship to the bank. I believe that they have to freeze the account. Either way, I guess they'll need to see him in person to get his permission to remove him from the account.

It may be easier to not talk to the bank, transfer all of the money and direct debits etc to your own personal account without closing the joint account. I say this from experience, not any legal position so I hope other posters correct me if I'm giving bad advice.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/04/2016 18:19

(A bitchy thought from me is to ring this woman's parents, explain the situation and ask them if they'll put him up for a few nights. Just to for shits and giggles).

Branleuse · 15/04/2016 18:43

he cant make you leave the house or sell it. He can fuck off

tipsytrifle · 15/04/2016 19:10

As it's a joint a/c you may not be able to just "get him removed". He has to agree and sign it over yadda yadda ... might be better to redirect your wage into a new one in your name only. That's usually the safest way to ensure you retain control of what little feels in control right now. Speak with bank asap.

If you already have a separate a/c he has no access to then make sure your money goes into it. Transfer only the essential dd's. The ones that will keep you and dd sheltered and warm in the home. You absolutely cannot rely on him being decent. He has a teenager to entertain with more than the tall tales he's already told her. What if anything you do about that is up to you. I have no opinions on that at all. It's you and DD. That's who matters. And sanity. Grab hold of that Chocolate

petalsandstars · 15/04/2016 19:34

Also not to scare you but he's handed over the card...... what about online banking? Does he have or can he get access to the account online as he could easily transfer money out that way.

AddToBasket · 15/04/2016 19:41

Hahaha! Love the idea of asking the parents to put him up!

Op, you WILL be OK. You're doing great.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/04/2016 19:42

I have got his joint account card. He gave it me with very little fight. My wages are paid into that, I will get him removed from it ASAP

Personally I'd move any money in the account into another one in your sole name asap - apart from internet banking (if you have it) surely there's nothing to stop him visiting the bank in person to draw out cash? Granted he'd need to take full ID, but a piece of plastic isn't the be-all and end-all

Teaandcakeat8 · 15/04/2016 20:17

OP not too much practical advice here other than moving as much money as possible to an account to which he has no access. If you get a chance to be alone then photocopy all documents, etc. Use your anger to get you and your little one what you deserve.

Re the 19 year old. My ex left me for a girl the same age just before Christmas; he is 30. She was acting like a grown up but I can assure you that she is not and he is most likely taking advantage as I'm sure for her it all seems very grown up and exciting. It hurt like hell at first especially as I work with them both BUT you will get over this and step by step you will feel better and more positive.

Take a deep breath and remember that you will get through this.

Original poster
jip123 · 15/04/2016 21:31

Fuck fuck fuck!! He wanted to be 'friends' so I agreed to watch tv with him. That has led to a massive slanging match and him throwing his phone into a wall when I got upset

OP posts: