fuck, it's over, please help me

[jip123]

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

I can't cope, I am devastated

My name has changed, got a PM because I was identify able from other threads...just in case people noticed

he wanted to be friends because his available cash/card has been removed...hes playing on your vulnerability ....dont let him ....you need a big hug...i wish i could help....i have had a similar situation...i was devastated too..but i thoughened up ..it was hard...very hard...but i took control and it freaked my husband out....you need to call the shots...tell him what is happening....dont let him dictate....do not give him any money to spend on another woman....see how long she wants the jobless/moneyless idiot then....by then you probably wont want him either...good luck

But he isn't your friend. Friends don't shit on each other and lie.

Next time he wants a "friend" to watch TV with tell him to go to his girlfreind's.

That's what I used to do when I was single, get together to watch telly ,chat and drink wine, call friends to go to a film etc. And he has behaved like he thinks he's a single man. Don't let him have it both ways.

Next time he goes out i would change the locks and leave his shit on the doorstep in a bin bag.

There must be something in the water jip I came on this board to ask for advice cos I'm in the same position. Found out tonight as well. I thought something was going on, checked his emails tonight and find he's declaring his love to this woman and thanking her for all the special "things" she does for him. She's the most beautiful woman he's met - all his colleagues agree apparently. Ouch.

We have an 18 month baby together. Looks like he was with her last night when he claimed to be away with work. Our baby was sick and he didn't answer my texts, claimed today he had no signal. That must be code for too busy shagging.

I asked him to leave, and he has - presumably to her house. Not sure what the fuck to do next. I told my mum so that I can't bury my head in the sand and let him get away with it. He owns the house. I work part time, I can't afford my own place.

But you know what? We will be fine. Probably better than fine once all this shit clears. x

Hubnut, I'm sorry!! I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

Mine is still here, in the next room. It's like a really special kind of torture.

Oh god I can imagine. I dont know what to do tomorrow. His kids come to stay on Saturdays - so presumably he'll come back. I feel sick.

Hobnut are you married? No judgement either way, just if you are then the house is a marital asset even if only in 1 name.

Bloody well done telling your mum

You need to look after yourself first and foremost x

No not married adora. I think I'm pretty much screwed asset-wise. Just told bestie too. Am burning my bridges so I can't be a doormat.

I might need to take some inspiration from you hubnut. I just want to hide it and hope it goes away!!

I am so exhausted. No sleep last night, although found out this morning that DD got into her first choice school, so that's a positive at least!!

He has been telling me how much I have pushed him away, his examples are all true. I guess we have been bad for each other.

That's classic fuckwit behaviour - to make you carry the moral burden of his own dirty cheating - piling on top of the agony you have guilt that it is your fault. It's his way of being able to live with his low life self. Mine did same and only with retrospect can I see it's laughable. At the time it made the pain even worse, me thinking, if only I hadn't done x and y. No MN then to open my eyes! Please don't believe a word of it, sweetie. If he had (imaginary) issue with the mum of his child who is struggling with mh, then if he was a proper man he would have talked about it, raised the issue. It's bullshit, lovely. He got caught with pants down and wants to blame you because you're spoiling his shag-happy self image. Bullshit is a helpful word, even men with their brains in their groin understand it - try saying it aloud each time he talks to you and no more. Hugs and support.

So true cola

Exactly what a very sensible poster said a page or so ago, he'll blame you. How the fuck can it be your fault that he's gone off to shag someone almost half his age? Twat!

As already advised, divert your wages and siphon off all your money into a separate account. Do nothing for him or with him except for the sake of your DD.

I can't imagine how hard this is, but try to be practical and record any cash you give him for living expenses etc and tell him he will not be getting anything. It will be very difficult to get him out, he is entitled to be in his own home, despite being a complete wanker absolute idiot.

jip I think telling people definitely makes it real and gives you a support network.

Me and my cheating bloke have talked a lot today. He was in floods of tears "I'm not blaming you but I've felt so unloved" etc. I was actually feeling sorry for him. Then I've read his emails again (I forwarded some to myself), which remind me what a total basted he is.

He was with her this week while our son was puking all over me. He ignored my text in the evening and didn't even ring the next day to see how he was. He just said he was in a busy meeting and had no reception. Bastard.

I fucking love MN, I have had a shit day at the family wedding where his place was set out next to me! I have been blaming myself, if only I hadn't...or why didn't I...and I come on here and your all fucking right.

He is blaming me, for his own dicking about.

I told my cousin today, she was amazing, me and DD are going over this week. He didn't really like my family so I don't see them as often as I would like. I can change that, they will be a huge support, they are all amazing, I used to be close with them. Am seeing my brother tomorrow. That will be good for me.

Hubnut, that is almost word for word what I have been told, he felt unsupported, unloved, like I didn't care, this girl has shown him some attention and that someone actually likes him. Know what, fuck off, I have been ill!!! I have been unable to leave the house for weeks due to anxiety, I have been unable to work, I have needed support!!

Even if he came crawling back now, I will never trust him again.

I'm yet another poster advising that you move all your money and D/Ds and payments into an account in your own name, tomorrow. He can easily phone the bank and ask for a new card which may arrive whilst you're not around to see it.

Yes the trust is gone. I'd be doubting every work trip, every wrong number, I'd be checking his phone behind his back. I don't want to live like that.

I'm pleased you've got some real life support now x

jip and hub you're sounding really strong. I'm so impressed by your resilience. Jip this does make me slightly wonder if your fuckwit other half has been sapping you for years, undermining your mh? Without you realising? Fuckwittery can be very under the radar and hard to realise by the victim. As well as being free of a cheating lying wanker, I wonder if long term the break up will be have a stabilising affect? I have suffered from very bad episodes of anxiety so appreciate the horror of it (I am in no way minimising). But insidiously he could have been contributing with his gas lighting?

Oh yes, he is absolutely a contributory factor, I actually posted a while ago after he had called my MH an inconvenience and an excuse. So that kind of sums up his attitude to it. I am just scared of change right now, long term I am absolutely certain this will be good for my MH.

yes, change is scary but also healthy IME. I found it quite surprising how I kind of clicked into coping with crisis mode and gained strength when my own crisis came. Keep absorbing the support you get on here and in RL, you deserve it .

My stbxfw has told me many times that I would collapse without him and that I'm a deeply vulnerable, fucked up person who wouldn't cope with life without him. Funnily enough, I have realised he's bloody wrong

Yep, terrifying, we have been together a long time, our lives are very much entwined. But, I will survive this and whatever else gets thrown my way. I'm just going to look after me and DD. I will sort out the bank accounts in the morning.

Don't have any advice but just wanted to say you can do this, you will do this and you're obviously a great role model for your dd. you have a lot of people behind you x