fuck, it's over, please help me

[jip123]

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

Okay, I know. I have no idea how to act. I am not strong enough for icy civility, he asks why I am being so horrible to him and what he has done wrong. Then when I say, umm ended our marriage, I get huffed at.

I just want him out of the house. It's so much easier when I don't have to see him.

I don't understand - is your DD not his daughter then?

As for 'what have I done wrong' - words fail me...really completely.

more hugs for you jip

Sorry, yes DD is his. What gave you the impression she wasn't?

OP, my heart breaks for you. I'm a little further down the same path (DH cheating with a 21yo. I am 40.) He even did the throwing the iPhone at the wall thing. £400 smashed up in a second of rage.

It's shit. I wish I didn't care about him. But I'm getting by, just me and DD. You will too, I swear.

You are huffed at for responding negatively to his affair with this 19yr old?
You replaced his phone to keep in touch with her after he smashed his in a rage? Not really sure what he has to be enraged about atm. Is he starving to death or have you not withdrawn domestic services?

There seems to be a lot of "living together but with young OW all but in your bed" going on. I suppose that sounds harsh but you're swinging wildly between "pick-me no matter what" and "get out." He may well be playing into that. He knows full well you have trouble with boundaries and line-drawing.

Focus on getting your sleep area sorted. Focus on DD. And of course you have work to get back into so that your wage is assured. Will he be continuing care of your daughter? Practical arrangements need to be addressed. Even if you decide to continue like nothing has happened the practicalities need to be sorted.

It's entirely up to you what you do but protecting and securing DD's material status quo and emotional well being is a priority, for sure. Trust in anyone beyond yourself is probably a luxury right now.

I had a realisation this evening. I'd been thinking I was coping really well but after a talk with cheating partner realised he wants to be with her. Prior to now I thought he'd been caught shagging but it was me he loved. So if separation didn't work for me I could forgive him and he'd be back. He's too weak to say it outright, he seems to want me to kick him out into her arms, he's still in our home but says if I need space he'll go. But then it's all up to me to make the decision? ?? He's said he wouldn't want to try make it work with us cos he'd worry about hurting me again. That's code for I want to be with her but I don't want to actively make the decision - isn't it?

Been there...other woman little girl was 17!! We were 30!

You've had great advice but to add:

Open your own account and ensure he has no access to your money Inc child benefit and tax credits. Banks are required by law to freeze disputed joint accounts.

Stop doing anything for him - emotional and financial reasons for this.

Don't give him any money or anything else of value (shame you replaced his phone that was his problem).

Solicitor - get recommendations by word of mouth, if your friend that's a lawyer can't or won't represent you she'll likely be able to tell you who's good.

Get all documents away and safe.

My ex pulled the 'being nice' crap just after I'd kicked him out...turns out it was because she was pregnant and he was shitting himself! They worked together and it was fucking his career up too!

When ex and I split I had nothing financially (rented house in his name, I was a sahm etc), no family or friends in the area (all his side of things), no support.

But you know what? Dd is amazing and doing well in school, I have health issues but nothing to do with him and if I didn't I'd be working and hope to be again soon. I have friends and support and since we split I've gained a degree!

He's fat, balding, miserable, skint and unemployed (and unemployable he cocked up again at work and was sacked).

Hubnut sounds like he's doing what mine tried (and failed) to do...manipulate you into being the bad guy!

You're doing so well, lovely, keep talking on here as there are many people with amazing advise and we are always here to keep you strong! You deserve (and will get!) so much better

Hubnut - I'm so sorry, maybe it's for the best. Apparently mine has told his teenager that he can't be with her until he doesn't live here, so she is heartbroken he is clearly still in contact and I doubt that's true to be honest.

Baconyum - I don't know what to say, you are inspirational!! I hope I can say I am happy one day and that I'm doing okay. I'm sorry that these men are shits!

Okay, so money is sorted, I have moved it into a personal account I forgot I had with a different bank. I have left enough to cover bills still to come out and will sort out the bills so they come out of my account this week.

Now I need to focus on work today, super anxious about going in, but I'm just going to try and get my head down. Have had about 5 offers to meet for lunch from various friends and colleagues so am going to take advantage of that.

Good luck jip let us know how you get on. X

Good luck for today x

thank you.

Currently really struggling with anxiety and haven't got out of bed. Feel unsafe and scared and anxious. Trying to talk myself into it. Am so tired!!

DD is next to me watching the iPad, totally oblivious.

Awwww she just made a heart of her fingers and gave it to me because she loves me. Right come on, I can do this.

Made it out of bed, waiting for the bus now. Fuck this should not be this hard!! Have convinced myself they are definitely going to fire me and then I will lose my house and DD and I've already lost DH so there is not really any point. I don't know why I am dragging myself there. I used to love this job.

Have been reading but not posting so far, OP - please take advantage of those offers from friends/colleagues to meet for lunch and let them know what's going on. You'll feel supported and less isolated.

Try to keep plodding away at work - if it takes your mind off things for even a little while, that's good. You're doing so well.

Be strong and take care

Okay. I have had one coffee with a friend and am meeting another for lunch. I should probably do some actual work.

Really really good progress jip!

The coffees are more important than the work right now. Keep talking, keep sane! ...and maybe, maybe...squeeze in the odd work job while you are feeling 'higher'.

The key thing here is not under any circumstance to think you are doing anything other than what has to happen for the best outcome for work, your DD and of course yourself. You can't work if your mental health crashes - so working slowly while keeping your MH onside is best practice!

Celebrate making it to work, celebrate a morning survived!

Icebeing, thank you!! It feels like a massive achievement which it so shouldn't!! You have no idea how much it means that there are people out there who are rooting for me, even if you are strangers. Going to start taking to my friends about it all this week. I can't keep pretending it's not happening. I think I'll change my FB status or something monumental like that.

ahh 'should' and 'shouldn't' can get tae fuck!

It is a monumental achievement and you have achieved it!

There was a man all over the radio 4 today program for historically managing to leave his house...and this year for managing to catch a train to Cardiff. As far as I know, not one single person wrote in exclaiming 'WTF I do that everyday! It isn't an achievement...its easy'.

Ahhh thanks :) he is being an absolute cock today. It's actually easier to deal with. Am sat in my lovely new bedroom with wine and chocolate and Hollyoaks, it's awesome!

Thats sounds lovely...well apart form the hollyoaks

Well done jip

I got very angry tonight and sent some emails and texts that I may regret in the morning. I felt like it was all working out a bit too comfortable for ex so shared some home truths with the wider world.

Hell hath no fury etc

Jip123, I know it hurts like hell at the moment and will probably continue to hurt for a while, but believe me you will get through it and you will feel better. One foot in front of the other, take it day by day or even minute by minute but you will get through. Think it was Churchill who said if your find yourself in hell, keep walking.
Talk to your friends,see a councillor or even ring the Samaritans if you need to vent. Get all the support you can and remember we are here for you too.
Hugs to you . Good luck x

Thank you, I'm doing okay. I woke up this morning to a text from DH's absolute best friend apologising as he knew about the girl and calling DH an absolute twat. He is DD's godfather and a lovely man. He said that he would do anything to stay friends with me and DD. His fiancé cheated on him so I imagine he is less than impressed.

Hubnut, what happened from the texts and emails? Did it make you feel any better?

Back in work today. One foot in front of the other...

Not much to add but when I found out about an affair (similar age gap and similarly stupid arrogant behaviour) I took advantage of initial shame and embarrassment at his end to make him go. When you have JUST found out is the best time.

Later that day I changed the locks.

The solicitor said that although I had acted unlawfully officially, if it ever came to it a judge would 'get' it and it's not enough of a bad thing for there ever to be any repercussions. You had just discovered an affair and it is right he should leave the family home for a short time at least.

Changing the locks is very empowering.