fuck, it's over, please help me

[jip123]

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

As Tipsy said, do nothing more for him. The line was drawn when you found the text.

And definitely get legal advise before you make any decisions. Remember to secure your bank accounts. I would be incline do get him removed from a joint account, but I don't know if that is easy, or advisable, to do.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It will be shit but you will come out of it stronger

Is he still wanting to primary carer? Or has he wussed out of all his responsibilities?

I've been signed off sick since November so I have been caring for DD. He says he has no where to go. He doesn't really. I've suggested that he go to this new girls, but as she is 19 she still lives with her mum.

Awful though it sounds, it might be better for OP if he has indeed wussed out of responsibility for DD. Not going into the possibilities at this point if he hasn't. Some thoughts don't need to be thunk until the moment crystallises.

As always when shit hits the fan, it's the w/e and getting legal advice is likely to be impossible until next week. There may be some bluffing to be done in the meantime, along with some serious line drawing.

What does he propose is the next step?

What an absolute cunt of a man, as well as having his affair he has the audacity to stay in your marital home and torture you more, you are well rid, he sounds a complete loser, doesn't even work properly.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this . There is no problem without a solution, it's just hard to find in state of emergency and panic. Are you committed to staying in that house or could you move out, rent and get an order to sell? Being in the house you used to share with him might be hard even after the fucker has left. The long term good will be eventual peace without a weak, shallow and unworthy man. And hopefully a better bloke somewhere in the future.

So sorry for all your terrible traumas. Take care.

Hi, I've sent a PM. Nothing weird or spammy honest.

Maybe he could help re-organise the home then, create his new sleeping area and all that stuff. You could get him to divvy up the plates, empty a cupboard for his food, a shelf in the fridge. I do feel for you, OP. I'm furious at his utterly idiotic choices and behaviours. He doesn't deserve you, in truth. Probably never has.

Try and keep your inner calm as a special, secret sanctuary. As it's a bit frazzled currently, keep deep breathing and reminding yourself that you will get through this. Have you any options for staying elsewhere this w/e? Please share this with someone in RL.

Try to sign yourself off sick for sometime further as this development has made your mental health deteriorate sharply, not surprisingly. This will mean you are the main carer for your dc. See doctor. Research family lawyers who offer free half hour advice. Write everything down, all the fw's failures and inconsistencies partic wrt parenting. ie the devastation he is inflicting casually on your child and you, leaving you both in a terrible, vulnerable position. His lack of thought for his child's welfare, lack of commitment to his child's stability and family. Etc.

Under cover of being shocked, get hold of all important paperwork and yours and your dc's passports. This includes all mortgage paperwork, banks, pensions etc. Stash it at a friend's for now. Think about what to do with it later.

When you talk to lawyer, see how feasible an order to make him move out would be - because of incredible distress etc. It may be easier than you think. I hope so. Your secret weapon is making yourself ultra prepared under cover. Hold this thought to yourself for strength. The other thing to remember is that he will pass through this stage and regret it, but you will no longer want him by then and will be patting yourself on the back for having escaped a grade A prat of an arsehole before too many years of your life were gobbled up by him!

Sound advice ColaSpangles

What a dick he is, shagging around without any thought about what he'd do when you inevitably found out. I swear these arrogant men genuinely believe they're too clever to get caught.

I know you're on your knees op, but legal advice is your priority now in order to divide assets fairly. Assuming the children will stay with you, he may have a shock coming if he thinks you've got to give him a wad of cash or sell the house immediately.

In the meantime, separate lives and tell people; you need their support.

I have told him he is in the spare room and he is currently filling in HB forms. Have spoken to a friend. My BFF is on her honeymoon and really don't want to bother her with this.

Friend says I can go anytime. Really don't want to leave the house though, anxiety means this is my safe space although it doesn't feel like it right now.

What a ridiculous Sap - What in heavens name beyond sex could a 31 year old want with a 19 year old.

You are well shot of this creep. If you really want him out of the house I think you only need to say you fear for your safety and he will be gone. (However is you go this route Don't expect an amicable divorce)

I am broken. We are supposed to be at a family wedding tomorrow. DD is excited.

I can't afford to be off sick any longer. I only get 6 months full pay

OK

Practically you need some decent advice - most solicitors do an initial consult FOC with the hope of getting business - go with a list of questions and things yu want to know so you don't end up wasting that time. You need to come out with an initial plan of action. These days no one automatically owns half the marriage assets - it depends on the length of the marriage and contribution financially. Sounds like it wasn't that long and contribution is basically Jack shit.

I would not leave or move out - you are the priority over him as you are looking after the child (are you the main carer - that may be an issue if he is SAHP at all - or is she in childcare??) Question to be addressing to solicitor.

Another question to solicitor is how to remove him from the property - where do you stand with right to change locks, get restraining orders etc

In terms of finances get copies of everything you can and keep them somewhere else - work or parents so you know he can't abscond with critical info include anything of his that is to hand and easily accessible - do this asap - most home printers will copy or just take the lot to a copy shop and get the job done asap.

Just for now you need to separate yourself emotionally from the practicalities that need sorting - do what you need to do to survive mentally and emotionally s well as physicallly

Make sure you keep copies of any evidence of his adultery ready for divorcing him if that is what you want - just makes life easier and prevents waiting around for time to pass for easy divorcing without consent etc

One day at a time, you are coping better than you think, he's a selfish idiot who will live to regret his choices in the end. I promise one day you will be strong and he will have learned first hand that the grass isn't greener. Knob. big hugs to you..

The single most important thing here is your health. If you can improve your mental health then everything else will fall into place. If your mental health gets worse then things could really get bad. So prioritise that. Anything else you can possible ignore you do so. If you want to go to the wedding then go. If you don't then don't. You could take DD somewhere else fun - she won't mind!

Treat all decisions this way - what is better for my mental health right now? Then do that.

Your DH is a total arse to do this to you when you are attempting to recover from a serious illness. Can you imagine someone doing this to someone undergoing chemotherapy? Like 'sorry I can't be bothered to help you through recovery, I'm off to shag a 19 yo'. People are such utter utter dicks.

You did not deserve this whatsoever.

Ice being, I totally just cried at that. Thank you. I feel like I completely deserve this right now. I've been a dick to live with

You absolutely do not deserve this. What ice said is really helpful. Get your mental health issues on track and please get RL support

No no, the illness has been a dick to live with - just like it would be if it had made you be in and out of hospital and bed bound etc.

And you know what - it has been harder for you to live with than for him. And you somehow found the strength to keep going and make progress and get yourself into therapy etc. while he decided to bale out.

This is not your fault, you didn't chose any of it and you don't deserve any of it.

This is such a horrible position to be in and as someone speaking with severe depression you are doing so well keeping it together and you can vent and do everything you need to do on here for extra support.

I know you're tied up in emotion right now and it might be hard but try to separate yourself from that side for the moment and think about the practical things you have to do.

1. On your own away from everyone decide if you want to file for divorce.
2. Get legal advice on this ASAP and do not give a penny to your DH until you've received the correct legal advice. You may well be eligible for legal aid which will help with the costs. Things you need to look at are the house - who's name is the house under cause if it's only under your name then legally speaking you're in a better position.
3. Under no circumstance should you move out. I know it must be difficult but for your DD stability and continuity and as you've said home is your safe place - stay there.
4. Follow the legal advice given to you - literally do everything by the book.
5. Steam ahead with your treatment and talk it out. This could be a great opportunity to get help with your underlying depression and vent to a professional about what is going on and how you are dealing with it.

I really feel for you because this is a horrible situation to be in. Do let us know how you get on.

Yes. You need to look after your mental health. Don't rush into anything and get some legal advice as PP have said. Possibly a first hour free deal with a Solicitors. Try not to question why he has been such a dick! He has literally thought with his dick and should now face the consequences of his actions. Maybe you should ring her mum and ask if he can go there he needs to sort it out, hes broken the wedding vows, not you and you need to focus on your health and your DD.