First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

[dustybrother]

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

My brother is in a violent relationship, last time I know of was at Christmas, she punched my brother in the nose(in a taxi) in front of my Mum and Dad and their 2 daughters, the girls were screaming, she'd been a dick all day due to too much alcohol, it's not the 1st time she's been violent to him either ( I dread to think what those poor girls have seen), he's an adult but I wish he'd do the right bloody thing and leave her once and for all, he did leave for a while but has gone back, she makes his life hell when they are not together and hell when they are together, but he has a choice, those girls don't, it's awful.

I suppose I'm just trying to say, think of your dd, she should not be growing up witnessing things like this.

AnotherEmma
I did not intend to excuse the OP's wife attacking him after he accidentally drove through the lights, but I had felt that she might have hit out at him because she had thought her life had been in danger.

Also I had read that she attacked him after he had just stopped the car, so it did not seem to me that she had caused even more danger at that point.

As I explained much earlier on, driving accidents can be terrifying for me but I would not hit out with punches in this situation. I do think the Op's wife over reacted in a nasty and upsetting way,

But in the same position as she was at that point, I myself would have panicked and gone hot and cold all over with shock and would certainly have felt my life had been in danger especially as they were abroad with the driving on the other side of the road. I personally disagree with the OP that it was not a dangerous manoeuvre - that is not how it would have felt to me anyway- even if I can see it was an accidental one.

I do agree however with what you said here, AnyE.
The vast majority do NOT resort to punching each other.

To be clear why I imagined the OP had stopped first:
I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die.

He went on to confirm he had stopped before she punched him.

I do not want to minimise your experiences AnyEmma, MIscellaneous and OP. They seem to have been/be terrible. I do think Any and Misc have given good advice. I do have experience of abusive relationships in my own family though.

KindDogsTail

"I had felt that she might have hit out at him because she had thought her life had been in danger."

This doesn't make logical sense. As you say, he had already pulled over, so they were safe and her life was not in danger.

However, I think there was a separate incident (when their DD was in the car) when he was driving (reversing) and she hit him, but I might be wrong about that.

In any case, whatever the details of what happened, there is no excuse for her hitting him - and I think/hope we agree on that.

I didn't share personal experiences, myself, so you might be confusing me with another PP? But no matter.

Any Emma

I had felt that she might have hit out at him because she had thought her life had been in danger This doesn't make logical sense. As you say, he had already pulled over, so they were safe and her life was not in danger

My logic was in response to what you had said here,
She deliberately ATTACKED him while he was driving the car.

As I understand it, she may have had a reaction of adrenaline fuelled shock and could not calm herself just after their lives had indeed been put in danger by his having driven through the lights. That sort of shock does not have an on off button.

We are in agreement however that she did the wrong thing when she punched and abused the OP. We are in agreement that this sort of hair-trigger reaction in a person makes them too difficult to live with and is extremely upsetting.

Reading back I saw the OP's wife was getting counselling. He seemed to say she has not been so aggressive recently. The OP does not seem to want to leave her. Maybe she could have specific Anger Management therapy too. The OP has a problem family himself so maybe he could get counselling for himself about that, and about whether or not he feels he wants to leave his wife.

This might help him work out what would be best for him - leave or stay.

My apologies for having muddled you with another person about you having mentioned similar experiences. I think that may have been Attila, so I am sorry Attila too.

thanks everyone for your messages.

kinddogstail - I think you've got it right when you say that it is the hair-trigger reaction to things in life generally that I really can't live with anymore, and I don't know how to deal with it. It is a part of her personality and it won't change. It upsets me greatly as deep down I still love her and I really don't want to break up my family. Sorry, I'm going on a bit here and I don't think there is much more to say other than I need to decide whether I can continue to live with it. I am seeing a counsellor this Friday morning as well.

I hope the counsellor helps a lot dusty. I hope it will be a relief to finally have someone listen to what you have gone through and guide you.
Good luck with your decision and doing what is best for you. You have a right to live free from violence.

Whether you split or not, personally I think your wife might get a lot of help with learning a better way to react through Anger Management- i.e she could change considerably.

Also, even if you are going to separate, general counselling could help her too:
Has your wife been a foreigner without her own family around? If so a counsellor might help her deal better with that and the following:
having a very young a child and finding her husband's family/MIL difficult.
.
Re: Anger Management, this is from an NHS site:
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/controlling-anger.aspx
avpbritain.org.uk/

This is more general on 'Does anger management work?"
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22264123
^It is hard to find independent evaluation of anger management classes.
A survey completed by 500 of 2,000 people Fisher has worked with suggested that 82% of people said the programme was still working 18 months after doing the course. A further 3% said it was a waste of money and 15% were ambivalent^.

I'm glad you're going to see a counsellor on Friday, I'm sure that will help.

Personally I'm more interested in supporting you to focus on what you need, not what your wife needs. She is unlikely to seek help or change her behaviour, sadly.

Anotheremma - I've sent you a pm. I really just need stability. She sent me a text last night saying she is sorry that she has failed in being a good partner and wife.

Thanks for the PM, I've replied. That text is interesting. She is apologising, but not about anything specific. It's not hugely meaningful unless she also intends to do something about it and work on being a better partner.

It's not hugely meaningful unless she also intends to do something about it and work on being a better partner.

This is what dustybrother himself said, AnotherEmma

She has been to see a counsellor as a result of it to try and understand why she reacts like this when put in a situation over which she has no control. No further incidents have occurred since then

So she has been doing something about it.

Personally I'm more interested in supporting you to focus on what you need, not what your wife needs

The child needs both parents to get support, regardless of whether or not the parents split.

Sympathising with the OP because his wife has had vicious outbursts at him and he may well be better off leaving her, does not preclude recognising her as a person who may indeed have had difficulties of her own which means she needs help too.

But she's not posting or reading

No, she is not posting or reading but as he is, and writing about himself in the context of his wife and child, there is no way they cannot be part of the picture.

The question I have been asking myself for a while is what makes a happy marriage? A search on the internet provides numerous opinions on the matter: including honesty, integrity, friendship, sex, trust, stability and communication. I am well aware by now that no marriage is perfect and that it requires daily attention but that it shouldn't include physical violence and aggression. When I look at my marriage I don't see many ticks in the box that would conclude I am in a happy marriage; more that I am in a marriage that is functional. I have always thought that one should be able to tell one's wife anything, I don't feel that. In the past I have been walking on egg shells too many times and I can't/won't do it anymore.

Sorry, I know that there isn't really a question here more just some thoughts written down on paper but it does help putting them down.

The first post on this thread tells you what a happy relationship needs be like. If you have that, you'll be OK, but sadly, I don't think you do.

Hi OP, good to hear from you. By all means share your thoughts on here whether you have questions or not. Glad you've been thinking things through.

BoatyMcBoat - thanks for that link. Looking at the thread it is clear that I have just let her become increasingly aggressive towards me over the past 4 years. My way of dealing with it has been to be unfaithful which is clearly unacceptable. We are now at impasse. She is trying to improve things following our many conversations and I'm still unsure what to do. I'm just worried that in six months time or so we'll be back to where we were.

Anotheremma - thanks. Yeah I've been thinking a lot about things.

I wonder whether it would be easier for you to sort out your relationship if you had some time apart. (As the aggressor, it behooves her to be the one who moves out.) Of course, this may not be possible, or it could be completely the wrong direction.

BoatyMcBoat - I honestly don't know what the answer is. I'm going to see the counsellor tomorrow am and see what they have to say. My wife was out last night and is out tomorrow night so at least we've got some time apart at the moment, I know this is just putting our collective heads in the sand though.

I don't think time apart is necessarily putting your heads in the sand, you each need some space and time to think.

Hope your counselling session is helpful tomorrow.

anotheremma - that's true we do. She said last night that she couldn't promise that she would never have an episode again but she said she would never hit again.

Thanks I hope so as well.

Unfortunately the counsellor had to be cancelled today, so has been re-arranged for next week. My wife has started being really friendly and nice, slightly out of character really.

Do you think a good sex-life should include things like dressing up and exploring lots of different things? Like using toys for example? About a year ago I suggested we maybe buy some toys, they arrived and she didn't want to use any of them so she subsequently threw them away :( I

I think your sex life is the least of your problems tbh.

There is no "should" and "shouldn't", it depends on each couple and what they are happy and comfortable with.

But honesty, you are flogging a dead horse with this one.

AnotherEmma - you're right of course.

You really think so?

Talk to the counsellor about this.

There should be mutual consent, agreement and enjoyment.

Hope the counselling session next week goes well. It is a shame your appointment has been delayed.