Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

182 replies

dustybrother · 14/04/2016 15:56

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 17/04/2016 20:39

I hope the severity of her actions are sinking in to her, it's one thing being volatile but being physical is another thing altogether.

It seems like on both fronts communication is a big issue, that is something that couples counselling might help with. I'm not sure how that would work with the issue of violence though as it appears that's not recommended, perhaps talk to the counsellor on your own first and see what they suggest.

I had no issue with your comment on oral sex other than a question whether she is on the receiving end. It's all part and parcel of your relationship so is relevant.

SurroMummy13 · 17/04/2016 20:47

Leave her, and take your child.

She lashes out at you like that, could easily lash out at your child like that too.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2016 21:39

Surro
I agree he should leave but it is unlikely he will get sole custody (or whatever it's called now) especially as there are no police records of his wife's assaults against him.

OP it would be wise to get legal advice on what might happen regarding your DD if you do split. Even if it's just hypothetical advice for now.

She is clearly minimising, btw - she is not just "aggressive and forthright", she is violent and abusive. And it's comment for abusers to call their victims "sensitive" for having perfectly normal reactions to abusive behaviour - feeling upset when someone attacks you physically or verbally is not being sensitive, it's being human!

NameChange30 · 17/04/2016 21:40

common not comment!

Dungandbother · 17/04/2016 21:56

I'm posting this link because OP wife has called him passive aggressive and OP posts come across to me in the same way.

Rule these out OP and if you honestly can then perhaps your relationship isn't worth working for.

divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/10/30/the-passive-aggressive-man-he-is-all-about-control/

Please get past the title of the link... I'm not confronting you.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2016 22:00

Dungandbother
You have your own agenda and you are twisting the OP's posts and the situation.
It is blatantly obvious to everyone else that his wife is abusive and she has accused him of being "passive aggressive" (in addition to all her other criticisms) because it is in the abuser's script to blame the victim for the abuse, make them believe everything is their fault, make them doubt themselves, and destroy their confidence and self esteem.

YOU ARE HELPING HER ABUSE THE OP BY REPEATING THESE FALSE CLAIMS.

Please stop it.

dustybrother · 17/04/2016 22:24

dungandbother - the only reason I haven't felt like being intimate is because I haven't felt like I could completely trust her for it never to happen again. On each occasion, over the past 4 years or so, the outbursts from her, or panic attacks, have had quite an effect on me. I'm only just beginning to realise how much.

I have sought out intimacy elsewhere in the past which I am not justifying at all and I know it was wrong but that's because I felt completely unable to trust her.

OP posts:
Lemonblast · 17/04/2016 22:31

Wow Dung. Some serious victim blaming going on.

OP your wife is an abuser and you are being abused and your daughter is being abused.
This marriage needs to end.

Stark and brutal words but the main ones that you need to hear.

dustybrother · 17/04/2016 22:49

anotheremma - surely what I have described has happened to me would not be considered assault by the police though would it? Just a punch and light hitting a as a result of a panic attack?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 17/04/2016 22:53

Yes it would be considered as assault. Your counsellor said so. And the police would agree.

Also, I hate to break it to you, but it wasn't due to a panic attack. It was due to your wife being abusive. Panic attacks do not result in assault!

Lemonblast · 17/04/2016 23:04

How many other people has your wife hit or punched?

mumsonthelash · 17/04/2016 23:05

I'm not sure that cheating on your wife because you don't trust her is a logical thought process. Does she know? you were the one not to be trusted surely.

differentnameforthis · 18/04/2016 00:18

But the OP comment about oral sex is seriously deranged. How come no one reports that type of comment? It isn't "seriously deranged" to mentioned that there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship. There is nothing wrong with the op mentioning something like that to give context to his discussion.

You are on an adult forum, if you can't handle adult talk, deregister.

Women on here do it all the time, and no one would dream of reporting it. Lack of intimacy/control over intimacy is a factor to how the op is feeling & it is an important part of his story.

with hindsight I shouldn't and need not of been so rude - apologies for any offence caused Hey, we're all adults...we can cope with some talk about sex! It certainly wasn't rude imo!

She is clearly minimising, btw - she is not just "aggressive and forthright", she is violent and abusive. YES!! OP, please be aware that it is common for abusers to be apologetic when confronted. There is a clear cycle that I don't have time to go into now (others will, no doubt) that pretty much goes

violence - remorse (from abuser) - normality - violence - remorse - etc etc.

Don't get fooled into thinking that this breakthrough has fixed it. It may have, of course, but it may just be abusers cycle.

Just a punch and light hitting a as a result of a panic attack? It's not "just" a punch op. It's a punch. You would call the police if someone punched you in the street, wouldn't you?

Does she hit other people? My bet is no, she doesn't! So she can control it.

Panic attacks don't cause violence. If someone is violent during a panic attack it is because they re a violent abuser, the panic attack just gives them a convenient excuse.

differentnameforthis · 18/04/2016 00:21

Seeking out intimacy elsewhere is not ideal, no. But still, it is NOT an excuse for her violence.

And mumsonthelash the wife has already eroded all the thrust there was, so quite how you can lecture the op, I don't know. Especially after everything else he has posted.

UsernameIncorrect · 18/04/2016 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/04/2016 04:54

Panic attacks? Or just an attack?

I've had a panic attack, and I managed perfectly well not to hit any other human whilst hyperventilating and sobbing and panicking.

Mind you, if she felt trapped too, and in immediate danger, it could explain a desperate struggle to get out. But I don't think you are describing that.

What do you want to happen? Of you could have anything? Any future?

wickerbasket9999 · 18/04/2016 06:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NameChange30 · 18/04/2016 09:31

Will people stop saying "take your child" as if it's that simple! The OP needs legal advice about residency and contact arrangements for his daughter. He can't just take her and refuse to let her see her mother. What fantasy land do you all live in?!

differentnameforthis · 18/04/2016 10:06

During a panic attack she's not going to be really aware of her actions Bollox, stop victim blaming.

Would you tell a woman that her partners abusive tendencies were because of his panic attacks?

MadisonMontgomery · 18/04/2016 10:21

Every person & every situation is different, but I just want to say that when my mum realised she couldn't get away with being physically abusive to my dad she started abusing me instead. Please think about the impact your wife has had and will have on your child.

Iamdobby63 · 18/04/2016 10:45

OP, I respect your decision that you are going to try and work on your marriage, especially as there is nothing on record so not easy to up and leave with your DD. However, I am concerned that you state her aggression is connected to her having a panic attack, does that mean that she would do the same to your DD if she made your wife panic?

Your wife needs to accept her faults, not make excuses for them and seek help to resolve them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/04/2016 11:06

dustybrother,

Your wife did indeed grow up in a household where violence was present as per this comment earlier from you:-

"She didn't grow up in a violent household, her parents are lovely. I know that her grandfather (with whom she lived along with her parents) was quite an aggressive person (I never met him personally) and my wife has suggested previously that he used to hit his wife"

Her parents lived with a violent man i.e. her grandfather. That action did an awful lot of damage to their DD now your wife.

No to Realte and or couples counselling. Couples counselling is never recommended when there is abuse within the relationship besides which no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you in the same room. You need sole counselling also to work out why you have put up with this, what do you get out of this. Your own co-dependent needs met?. I can only assume she meets some co-dependent need in you because you should never stay for solely the child alone.

She is inherently violent and I would think she will destroy you completely in the end. Love is simply not enough; her actions are not loving and she does not love you. Her template is warped.

Do not fall also into the trap that is the sunken costs fallacy; this simply keeps people in bad relationships far longer than they should be.

dustybrother · 18/04/2016 11:08

Thank you everyone for your messages they have given me a lot to think about.

Iamdobby63 - she has a fear of enclosed spaces sometimes and when she feels out of control (like when recently a rail inspector fined her) she just thinks that the worse will happen. But, and without going into lots of detail, she is just an aggressive, forthright, opinionated person. And to be honest, the combination of the 'episodes' and the unpredictability of her outbursts has just left me feeling exhausted.

We spoke a lot last night and she has said that she is feeling very upset/sometimes suicidal about everything. I am going to be staying a hotel tonight to try and have some space/use the gym maybe or watch a dvd in bed. I'm just taking things day by day to be honest. We are hugging (although she doesn't really like hugs or kissing unfortunately) and I really don't want things to finish right now, I just couldn't cope.

OP posts:
dustybrother · 18/04/2016 11:11

AttilaTheMeerkat - thanks so much for your message. I asked my wife about the atmosphere she grew up in for some of early years with her grandparents and says that she doesn't remember any of the violence and that she has only considered that it might have happened following conversations with various members of her family.

I don't know if she is inherently violent, she is violent when put into extreme situations but I don't think that's the same thing.

OP posts: