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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

182 replies

dustybrother · 14/04/2016 15:56

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
Original poster
dustybrother · 15/04/2016 14:31

Iamdobby63 - no not only in the car although it can be heightened in the car. No, no event as such other than just me reversing down the road! It was incredibly stressful, I don't know how I got through it to be honest. I was just thinking of my dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustybrother · 15/04/2016 14:36

AnotherEmma - many thanks for doing that.

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 15/04/2016 14:41

I'm thinking how dangerous (and potentially fatal) it could be for you to be driving with her in the car. At any time she could attack you out of the blue. You can't continue allowing this to happen (driving with her, I mean).

I can't help thinking that after a number of attacks, some more vicious than others, she will now, subconsciously, think that you've accepted it and that this is the new 'normal' for her. You have to tell her it's unacceptable and that things are changing as of right now. I think time spent apart will show her you are serious about her behaviour.

It's time to plan your exit strategy. If she manages to turn things around with counselling etc, then that's great, but don't wait around hoping it'll happen.

StKildasNun · 15/04/2016 14:43

Your driving doesn't sound bad.

She seems to be using the 'frightened because of your driving' as an excuse to vent some frustrations or repressed anger over who knows what - not the driving at any rate. She needs to work out what's going on in her mind at these times, there is no way you can.

I would speak to a solicitor so that you know what the options and outcomes could be if you divorce. Then it's something you can ponder rather than a scary future with huge changes you can't bear to think about.

Anyone would store up a lot of repressed anger being brought up with an aggressive Grandfather. Doesn't sound too healthy to me.

guinnessgirl · 15/04/2016 14:45

Dusty, I can't see that you're going to get any opinions other than that you should leave. It's never OK for any person to be physically abusive to any other person, regardless of age, sex, seniority or any other factor. If your wife has been to a counsellor but still can't change her behaviour, there's nothing you can do to affect that. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

MNemonica · 15/04/2016 14:46

You have received some excellent advice on here, OP, and the future of your relationship is in your hands.

If you decide to give your wife another chance, you must make it clear that it is the last time you will do so, although to be honest, I think your relationship has already reached a point of no return. This is not a one-off incident, but part of an on-going pattern. She punched you in the face this time - what could she do another time? Hit you with something heavy? Throttle you? Can you trust her if she promises to reform? I think not, or you wouldn't be posting on here.

Your daughter deserves to grow up feeling loved and secure, and should not have to witness violent rages. Assault is unacceptable in any relationship, the fact that she's a woman and you're a man does not lessen the seriousness. There is no reason why she should feel she can use you as a punching bag. As a previous poster already said, she needs to accept responsibility for her acts, there is no justification for violence.

For what it's worth, my husband has an extremely volatile temperament, but in more than 20 years together he has never hit me, pushed me or even abused me verbally - he has his say (very loudly) then storms off to cool down. No violence.

Trooperslane · 15/04/2016 14:47

Just another one adding support op.

Just imagine if one of your female friends was telling you this - you'd tell her to get out, wouldn't you?

Be as brave for yourself and your DD. She's learning how relationships work from you both and this isn't ok.

Big hugs X

NameChange30 · 15/04/2016 14:51

Just wanted to add that the Men's Advice Line is only open Mon-Fri 9am-5pm. So if you want to talk to them before Monday, you would need to call in the next 2 hours. The number is 0808 801 0327.

Original poster
dustybrother · 15/04/2016 15:28

Anotheremma - thanks. I've just spoken with them and they were quite helpful. Although nothing added to what the wise mumsnetters have said.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/04/2016 16:20

Glad you called and they were helpful.
It's true, we are all very wise Smile
Take care and good luck x

Original poster
dustybrother · 15/04/2016 17:09

Thank you everyone for your messages. I'm going to speak to my wife tonight and explain my position and that I don't know how we're going to go forward. I'm also thinking I might have a night or two in a hotel or something just to get some distance.

OP posts:
Fourfifthsof · 15/04/2016 18:00

Just wanted to add my support...

Hitting you and also asking you if she can find someone else for sex as you feel too unhappy to sleep with her? She sounds both physically and emotionally abusive and clearly doesn't understand, or care about, the impact her behaviour has had on you.

Anyfucker has it right - LTB.

Even if there is a way back afterwards for your relationship after counselling etc, it is unhealthy for you to stay together at the moment. You are sacrificing your own happiness and wellbeing for someone who physically abuses you and then cares so little about the effect it has had on you that she asks if you will sanction further bad behaviour - e.g. an affair.

You deserve better. Leave this woman and find it.

Fourfifthsof · 15/04/2016 18:01

Also Dusty a night or two away for some space and time to think may be just what you need - do you have a friend you could confide in and maybe stay with over the weekend?

WannaBe · 15/04/2016 18:17

Op, I appreciate that you feel that leaving is so hard due to your shared history etc.

However, in fifty years time when you look back at your shared history, that will also include violent outbursts, being punched in the head and the face. Are the good times really worth more than that?

Also, think about what kind of example you are setting your daughter about what a healthy relationship should look like. the children of abusers often grow up to be abusers. Because that is what they learn is normal behaviour. or alternatively they become the abused, because violence is a normal part of their upbringing. How will you support your daughter in future if she gets involved with a violent man if you are yourself allowing your partner to be violent towards you? How will you teach her that violence within relationships is wrong if you yourself are allowing it to happen?

It doesn't matter what the reasons are. Whether she's unhappy or has anger management issues or is just a violent twat. It matters not. even if the violence can be explained an explanation does not a justification make.

And I disagree with the posters stating that if she is prepared to go for counselling there could be a way back. No-one would give that advice to a woman on here, this is no different. Violence is a line which, once crossed cannot be returned from.

crazycatdad · 15/04/2016 18:26

It wasn't a hard punch but a punch nonetheless.

Whatever you do don't start minimising and rationalising. You said in your first post it was a hard punch.

No punch is acceptable. Don't stand for it. If she is capable of losing her temper and assaulting you, she is capable of doing it to your DD.

KindDogsTail · 15/04/2016 18:36

She needs Anger Management immediately, no matter what the cause. The GP should be able to refer her.

Then Counselling for anything in her past driving it.

Does she take drugs drink too much alcohol etc? as this can make for violent moods.

Is it hormone related? - some people get murderous with PMT

Does she have too much coffee? Not eat meals on time? Low blood sugar can drive fury.

You are right to be concerned about feeling violent yourself as it can all become circular, so try to step away if you can.

It is horrible for you that you are going through this Dustybrother and your wife's violence must not go on.

NameChange30 · 15/04/2016 18:47

I'm glad you've decided to spend a night or two away, that seems like a good idea. I like the suggestion to stay with a friend (or family member?) but if that's not possible why not treat yourself to a hotel.

Good luck with talking about tonight, I hope she listens and respects your point of view and feelings.

Please be aware that it can go two ways when an abusive partner realises that you are considering leaving. They could say how much they love you, promise to change and be on their "best behaviour" for a while (but it's almost inevitable that the mask will slip eventually). Alternatively, they could react very negatively - refusing to acknowledge that they are wrong, blame you for the problems, make threats (eg to hurt you, prevent you having access to your child, etc) and generally become more abusive.

Just wanted to let you know so you can be prepared for both possibilities, and look after yourself in either case.

DerelictMyBalls · 15/04/2016 19:03

I'm sorry this has happened to you, dustybrother. I have nothing more to add to the advice given by the wise women on this thread, but just wanted to offer my support and wish you lots of luck. X

Original poster
dustybrother · 16/04/2016 12:23

Hi everyone - well we had a chat of sorts. I told her that I'd phoned the domestic abuse hotline and that just made her blood boil. She thinks I'm mental and that what happened wasn't abuse at all, that I should have been more manly and made her feel safe and not endangered. I have not had a good night's sleep and I'm exhausted worrying about the future and everything else. She thinks that I'm passive aggressive which is apparently better than be outright aggressive.

I'm going to suggest that we go to Relate for couples counselling, including sex therapy, to try and make her see that I really can't be intimate at the moment. Although to be honest, we've never communicated brilliantly on that front. I know it's not everything at all, but I've not had oral sex on me for about 5 years!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 16/04/2016 12:27

No no no do not go to Relate or any kind of couple's counselling!

It is NOT recommended when a partner is abusive and would be a disaster.

Get counselling for yourself but not with her.

I did tell you that she might deny it and blame it all on you. But her version of events is not true.

NameChange30 · 16/04/2016 12:27

Are you still going away for a night or two?

Original poster
dustybrother · 16/04/2016 12:31

Oh okay, why isn't counselling recommended?

I was intending to stay in a hotel Monday night maybe near work

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 16/04/2016 12:36

Hmmm, wonder what she would call it if you had punched her in the face? Abuse is abuse. So she thinks you should man up and take it or man up and hit her back? You said that this has not only happened in the car so that throws out her argument... not that it would be valid anyway as no one should lash out at another.

Really until she accepts that this is abuse and is unacceptable I don't see anything changing.

I know couples counselling hasn't been recommended for issues of abuse, however, I do think your wife needs to hear it from someone else.

Re the oral sex, is she on the receiving end?

Fourfifthsof · 16/04/2016 12:41

She's projecting and trying to make you responsible for her bad behaviour. It's like when men batter their wives and then say 'it's your fault - you made me do it. I wouldn't have done it if you would blah blah blah...'

I'm afraid it seems that LTB is your only option. She is abusive.

You need therapy to help you deal with this awful abuse of trust.

Nothing will help her until she is willing to admit that she has a problem. She is clearly nowhere near there. Some people never get there.

You deserve better. You deserve to be with a woman who respects and treasures you and protects you from hurt, not someone who causes it.

differentnameforthis · 16/04/2016 12:57

Being in a home where physical violence occurs is damaging for children. It can be a safeguarding issue. It's not unheard of for children to be removed from a home where violence between parents/adult is occurring.

I know you love her, op. But she is violent because she is stressed, that's an excuse, just as alcohol is an excuse. She is violent, because she is a violent person.

You need to leave, and remove your daughter too.