First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

[dustybrother]

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

So has she agreed to get some help to overcome this issue?
Because if not then you only have one choice!
She should be willing to go out there and get help.
And make sure she is the one to do it.
You don't do it for her.

Well she has been to see a counselllor and she seems to be a bit calmer. To be honest I'm just completely out of energy and the only thing keeping me there sometimes is my daughter. But then I'm bloody scared about the future on my own after all of the plans we have made etc....

You also need to look at couples counselling separate from her counselling because all trust has gone in your relationship and a relationship can't survive without trust.

Do you think it's good for your daughter to be in an atmosphere like this?

Be prepared to rebuild your marriage if she changes and is honest with you but also start thinking in small ways that you can leave. Looked at as 'I am ending the marriage now' it's overwhelming, but small steps towards leaving make it less daunting.

Boomingmarvellous - we've actually had couples counselling in the past and it was quite helpful at the time. I think I've fallen into the trap of just going along with things what with having a young child, work etc. I just want certainty that it will never happen again, but I guess that probably isn't possible. I just don't feel I can open myself up emotionally at the moment, and that includes us being physical with one another.

Could you have counselling on your own.
Explore your feelings on all of this.
By the way, joint counselling is NEVER ever recommended in abusive relationships.
But it seems it helped you both at the time.
Time to think about you now so get your own counselling then take it from there.
Personally, I'd ask her to leave the house for a week or so to allow to think without her in the picture.

Please also look up co-dependency. You sound completely down trodden and that is not OK!

You certainly can't continue as you are. Is she actually having anger management type counselling? Does she know that you are not prepared to stay in the relationship under these circumstances?

Should you leave, what plans would you have for your daughter?

hellsbellsmelons - thanks again. I've actually had counselling a couple of months ago to talk through things and the counsellor said to me ' you do realise it was assault don't you?', that was quite a wake up call. I told my wife this and I think it may have had some effect.

Down-trodden is exactly how I feel. She asked me earlier in the week if she could find someone else for sex, she apologised last night. Understandably she is feeling frustrated but I'm just not ready.

Iamdobby- yes she knows. I don't know what would happen to be honest. My wife is German and I'm a bit scared that ultimately she'd want to go back to Germany where her parents are. I have a whole other set of friends and family over there so it isn't straightforward :(

Look at the legal aspect. I don't think a parent with joint custody can permanently leave the country without consent of the other parent. I imagine she would want to go back to Germany.

If she hits you again report it to the police. It would strengthen any case you have for custody.

In addition to that, if you do decide to separate, don't be too surprised if she alleges that you were the violent one. Reporting to the police could be very helpful in a number of ways.

*She just seems to react at really heightened times of stress/anxiety"

Something tells me that your wife does not go about punching anyone else when she's oh-so-stressed and anxious. It is total bollocks. She CAN stop herself hitting you the same way she stops herself hitting anyone else and she needs to own it.

Agreed you should report her.

I agree, I don't think it would be that easy for her to take your child to Germany, she would need your permission.

She can control it if she manages not to lash out at others, namely your daughter.

Although I note that she apologised for asking if she could seek sex elsewhere it seems a very defensive reaction to the problem, she needs to learn to work on the problems not work against them. First of all she needs to build your trust, show that she truly understands the severity of her actions.

Hi OP.

I'm afraid she doesn't love or respect you any more. Quite apart from her violent outbursts that comment about finding other men for sex says it all.

Having been myself in a situation with overtones of this, though not identical, I can say that YOU need to take charge of the situation and decide what's best for YOU and your daughter. As of today.

Don't worry about the future, things will resolve themselves one by one when you start taking positive action. DO worry about yourself and how to build a happy life for you and your daughter.

For sure, your child will pick up on tension in the house and she'll be far better off in a calm atmosphere. Feel no guilt about leaving, and applying for custody if that's what you feel is best.

Seeing a lawyer would be a great idea.

boomingmarvellous/nauticant/drbint/iamdobby/commonburdock- thank you so much for your messages.

It is so difficult when you have so much shared history together isn't it, you can't just switch off and move on. I really don't feel strong enough to move on at the moment. I'm going to have a word with her this weekend and see where that takes us.

Commonburdock - did you end up leaving your husband? did you see a lawyer? what did they say?

Yes it is difficult. Have a strong word with her, lay it all out for her, don't hold back. I would tell her how it has made me feel, how it makes me feel towards her and how it's affected the relationship. I would make it clear that I would not live like this, if it happens again then you would call the police and if her temper is that uncontrollable I would need to seek custody of daughter.

Depending on her reaction you then need to try to find a way to work toward a solution (sorry doesn't cut it). If she is not already having it then she does need specific anger management therapy.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but your wife is abusive and you should contact the Men's Advice Line for specialist advice and support. There is info about the advice line and more at www.nhs.uk/Livewell/abuse/Pages/domestic-violence-against-men.aspx

Are you still seeing your counsellor? I advise you to continue (or return if you had stopped). And do you have any family members or close friends who would be understanding and supportive?

I do think that you need to leave your wife but I understand that's not an easy decision to make which is why it's vitally important for you to get support from professionals and family/friends.

Good luck.

Iamdobby63 - thanks, very sage words.

I have just remembered a more recent incident when DD was in the car unfortunately. I had just pulled into a street that can only allow one car to pass due to parked vehicles on both sides. I was about a quarter of the way down when I had to reverse the car back to the beginning due to an approaching vehicle. She has recently started getting quite anxious/nervous when I drive (post incident in Germany) and she just completely lost the plot! Shouting and screaming, saying that I'm a very dangerous driver etc....I honestly didn't know what to do, it was a horrible situation. I ended up finishing the reverse and then carrying on with the journey.

Please stop driving with her in the car. It is clearly very stressful for you both but it is also highly dangerous - her verbal and physical abuse could cause an accident.

Did you mean to refer to her by name, btw? If you want you can ask MNHQ to remove it.

OP if you want to PM me feel free. I don't want to post my life story online :) but I'll give you the basics.

The similarity is that I didn't handle frustration well, I never hit or attacked him but I did throw things and break stuff in response to extreme provocation by XH in relation to my kids. Again I'm not going to post the details online but take my word for it, the provocation was extreme. I was living in my H's country and was powerless and had nowhere to go. It had been building and building for years. You said your wife has gradually become more short tempered and hostile over the years .

Is your wife happy here? Does she feel truly at home? I mean really truly. Does she put a brave face on things when really she wants to scream? Maybe ask her and see what she says.

Hopefully I'm barking up the wrong tree and she feels perfectly settled, and she does just need anger management. But at least if it's not homesickness/fish out of water syndrome you can cross that one off the list.

And no I'm not justifying her behaviour. Just trying to find a reason for it because when the real truth comes out, it can be dealt with.

AnotherEmma - it could have been very dangerous you're right.

Oh no, do you know what I was back in the car when I was writing that up and just did that naturally. How do I remove my daughters name?

Like AnotherEmma says it's best have MNHQ remove that real name.

Sorry if I have missed some parts but has her temper only been whilst you are in the car? If so is there any event that would have triggered that? Not what anyone needs whilst trying to reverse down a road with cars on either side!

Click the Report link in the header of your message and ask for the name to be replaced with "my daughter" or whatever you'd prefer.

You can report your own pist and ask for it to be removed, or just email MNHQ and make the request.

I have reported your post with a comment to say that you would like them to remove the name. In future if you want to report a post yourself, you can do so via the link on each post - on the mobile site it's three dots in the bottom right corner.

We often use abbreviations on here, such as DD (dear daughter), DW (dear wife), DP (dear partner) etc. Saves writing it out in full every time!