First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

[dustybrother]

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

But she is not violent because she is stressed

I just want certainty that it will never happen again, but I guess that probably isn't possible. I just don't feel I can open myself up emotionally at the moment, and that includes us being physical with one another. No, there are no guarantees. Unless you leave. Otherwise, you will spend your life living on eggshells, waiting for her to snap. Your child will be frightened of her, and may be on the receiving end one day.

How will she cope with the teen years, for example!

It is already killing your marriage, as you have lost the want to be intimate. In many relationships where dv is prevalent, that happens. But unfortunately, so does rape.

Dustybrother please listen to the advice on here and start thinking of yourself and your dd. From what I've read your wife isn't going to change and it may get worse especially if she thinks you're not being "manly" enough As for sex, I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to be intimate with her, does she understand now that you've spoken to her?

Joint counselling isn't recommended when violence is happening, because the perpetrator can (and does in some cases) use what he/she learns about their partner against them.

It just fuels the anger & aggression.

I told her that I'd phoned the domestic abuse hotline and that just made her blood boil. She thinks I'm mental and that what happened wasn't abuse at all, that I should have been more manly and made her feel safe and not endangered.

Wow.

This tells you all you need to know. Classic abuser script - didn't you know it is always your fault and is wasn't that bad....

I was going to ask other posters if there were abuser profiles specifically for women (as in "Why does he does that?") - but probably not necessary - looks like the same old patterns of denial, projection, minimising and blame.

If you DW doesn't think this is abuse - what does she think is appropriate normal punishment for a child - how is she with you DD?

You need to get yourself and your DD out of this right now, until you DW wakes up.

Bring this out in the open - ask her if she would care to debate these incidents and what constitutes abuse with all your friends and family.....

Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.

Dusty you need to either get her to leave or else you leave and take your daughter with you. My xh grew up in a home where his father was like your wife and i ended up on the receiving end of my xh fists and feet more times than i can count as a result of what he perceived as "normal". Please please make sure you log any incidents with the police. If possible ring 101 (i think it is, i'm not in england so not 100%sure) and ask them for advice on what to do in regards to getting your wife to leave the home due to dv perpetrated by her. That way they will also have a log/record of you seeking help and she can not turn it around on you. Also no amount of counselling is going to help your marriage. Once that line has been crossed thats it. You will never fully trust her again and will end up walking on egg shells just waiting for something to spark her off again. This is no life for you or your daughter. As for your wife asking can she have sex with other men, this just goes to show how little she thinks of you. Odds are she is just laying the groundwork in order to blame you for her sexual frustration and the foreseeable consequences (her getting physical again).

I'm so sorry you are in this position but please please take steps to protect yourself and your dd. Don't do me on it and give second chance after chance after chance and end up so physically emotionally and mentally abused that you stay for a decade and end up just a shadow of yourself.

Iv read the whole thread and have nothing to add on to on top of the amazing posts and advice you have received. I feel so sorry for you and can feel the despair coming from you. She sounds completely delluded and is completely lying to herself and minimising and that's dangerous because when she's not admitting what she's done the chances of it happening again are high, sorry you are going through this.

Why have you mentioned that you haven't had oral sex for 5 years OP? Not sure how that fits in.

To answer your question, OP, the problem with counselling is that an abuser can and will use it as an opportunity to attack and criticise you. In the same way that she blamed everything on you last night, she will do so again but with an audience this time. Abusers can be very manipulative, good at charming people and getting them on side. The therapist may not be trained, experienced or competent enough to recognise that your wife is abusive. The worst case scenario is that they will take her side and you will ganged up on. If you'd like to hear others' experiences, you could read this thread: Relate and abusive relationships

I also wanted to say a few words about sex. It is perfectly normal and understandable that you don't want to have sex or be intimate with your wife. She has assaulted and abused you - how can you trust her and feel safe enough to enjoy a sexual relationship? You do not have to engage in any sexual activity with her if you don't want to. You don't have to have sex with her EVER AGAIN if you don't want to. She might blame you for this, accuse you of withdrawing physical affection, driving her to have an affair, etc etc. But she has NO RIGHT to body. If she was a good partner she would respect your feelings and work with you to address the relationship issues before demanding sex (actually no good partner ever demands sex).

Lastly, I was trying to think about some good resources to share with you. I think this is an excellent article, and it has the advantage of being gender neutral:
signs of emotional abuse
It's about emotional abuse, and not physical abuse, but I think both are present in your relationship, so the article should still be very relevant and helpful.

You could also read Lundy Bancroft's books - and there is a thread in Relationships called "The Abuser Profiles" which quotes from the book - because they will be relevant even though they refer to the abuser as male and the victim as female. Tbh your wife sounds like a classic abuser so she will probably fit at least one of the descriptions of abusive men.

(Correction: she has NO RIGHT to your body)

I really feel unsure of why the OP posted this

" I know it's not everything at all, but I've not had oral sex on me for about 5 years!

Are you saying that you feel deprived because she hasn't given you oral sex OP? But what has that got to do with the abusive behaviour that she is using.

Blodynn To add context? If a woman posted it, would you question her too?

My Ex wife could sometimes blow her lid at the smallest of things. She would get angry and try to argue over stupid things that didn't really matter. I on the other hand am fairly big and strong with a sensitive and calm nature. Sometimes she would hit out at men. The stupid thing I just used to shrug the physical stuff off as she never hurt me too bad. A few dead arms etc. I used to play rugby and used to it. It never really occurred to me the wrongness of our physical violence. I loved her deeply and put it down to her firey temproment. To be fair in hindsight the plates she had thrown at me over the years could have done me a damage. Anyway coming up to a year ago she left me and the kids for another man. I was completely heart broken. I loved her so much. Anyway over time with some space away it come to light the she was very emotionaly abusive and had been gaslighting me over the years. I realised this had prevented me for being myself and had been destroying my confidence with lost of little lies and spin. I also started to feel aggression towards her I time went on and she was hitting out. I never acted on it but I could feel it inside. I suppose there is only so much you can take. I scary thinking about it because I am a passive person and she was turning me into something I am not. Turns out her leaving was the best thing she done for me and now I am exploring the world with fresh eyes.

I am not sure if my experience is any use to you. But all I would say is not everone is abusive. Really think hard about is this what you want for your life. Take care and best of luck to you.

Dungandbother your post is the most bloody awful victim-blaming self projecting bullshit I have ever ever seen.

Reverse the genders and read your post back. Then hang your head in shame.

Ha yes, I wanted to say that but it looks like you've beaten me to it Bearlyknitted!

Dungandbother, you are projecting and have completely misread the situation.

dustybrother I hope you are not paying the slightest bit of attention to dungandbother.

Dungandbother NOTHING justifies her violence.

I wonder if you would be happy to give this advice to a woman, or is it just men you reserve your ludicrous assumptions, projection & victim blaming for?

Dung I can't see where your post is coming from. It is total projection based on no information and victim blaming.

Dungandbrother I remember reading Families and How to Survive Them (by Dr Robin Skynner and John Cleese) and it mentions the dynamic you are talking about. That book is not about victim blaming when it brings this up but tries to describe what can happen between people in a family and how to try to change it.

Passive aggression can be seriously and devastatingly aggressive and destructive in its own way too, but we have no reason to know that is going on here or judge it.
It is by no means inevitably in the background of domestic abuse either.

Most of all, there has to be a clear line drawn about aggression - both physical and emotional. The OP's wife seems to have definitely crossed that whatever else may be going on and the OP needs sympathy and support.

I personally am terrified in cars and would have panicked over the traffic light incident too, and I might have interpreted it as the OP being an aggressive driver, but I would not have hit the OP and might have seen it as just a genuine mistake.

Dung, what an apposite username

I told her that I'd phoned the domestic abuse hotline and that just made her blood boil. She thinks I'm mental and that what happened wasn't abuse at all, that I should have been more manly and made her feel safe and not endangered.

OP, in a way your wife has done you a favour with this reaction, because now you know the truth - she sees nothing wrong with being violent to you whenever she feels like it. This means she will continue to be violent to you and probably to your daughter as well, and she will bring up your daughter to believe that abuse in a relationship is acceptable.

I would suggest on Monday that you make an appointment with a solicitor, because knowledge is power and just knowing that, for example, your wife can't just fuck off back to Germany with your DD should help give you confidence in moving forward.

You now need to do the right thing for yourself and your DD, by showing her that abusive relationships aren't normal, and that you don't have to stick around to be someone's punchbag.

In your shoes I'd be pushing to be the resident parent and probably supervised contact only for her, but without a police history that could be difficult. Still there's no reason you couldn't aim at 50/50 as a good starting point.

Apologies for offending those who reported my post.

I stand by that the OP sounds passive aggressive.
This type of aggression is soul destroying. I absolutely don't condone violence. I made that clear.

But the OP comment about oral sex is seriously deranged. How come no one reports that type of comment?

I will swap the genders here and I said violence is never the answer. But I will also swap the roles and try to imagine what the wife may be feeling. It seems the Op may wish to resolve the problem in the marriage. LTB isn't always the answer.

The wife is getting counselling and taking positive steps here. I recommended the OP do the same.

"But the OP comment about oral sex is seriously deranged."

WTF?! It's "deranged" to point out a missing aspect of your sex life that bothers you?! In that case a huge number of posts on here are "deranged"

Admittedly, it seems a strange point to make given the enormity of the issues, but if it's bothering the OP, who are we to judge?!

I think your comments are the most "deranged", Dung.

Hello everyone - many thanks for all of your messages.

The point I was trying to make about our sex life (with hindsight I shouldn't and need not of been so rude - apologies for any offence caused) is that it has become almost non-existant, or certainly intermittent and whilst of course, nobody should do anything they don't want to, I think it important to try and freshen things up once a while.

Well, we have done a lot of soul searching and chatting and lots of tears over the past 24 hours. She readily admits to being an aggressive and forthright person and makes no apologies for it. I on the other hand am quite sensitive and I've been wound down over the years by it all. I admit that I have not been forthcoming with how I really felt after the incidents and I've bottling it up, this is a bad character trait that my family have. I just know now that things cannot continue like this any longer. For me, its all a matter of trust . I have told how serious what she did is and now agrees with me. I was so close to walking out last night but I'm now not. I also need to think about whether the personality difference are just too big. When things are going well I don't notice the differences but at times of stress or feeling low the differences are amplified.