Jump right in! It's Dating Thread 102

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

I am so glad that I just found the nerve to ask the hard questions. I am a bit prone to sticking my head in the sand when things aren't going right in relationships but I might finally be learning to address the things that are worrying me?

handy hmm that's interesting re not saying he likes you but the chemistry being intense and the sex is always a good sign - for me hate to say it too much chemistry is always my downfall but that's me. If Twix has been hurt in the past I can understand the reluctance to pay compliments directly etc especially if divorce and kids have been involved on his side... So yes, i'd bite the bullet and ask him, 7 weeks is long enough! The lukewarm response to spending weekend away would to me be a very slight flag, he should be keen if anything but sounds like his ex (whom I know nothing about from you) really hurt him so he's being emotionally unavailable for now. Which is fine. He can change. I think.

314 it's shit isn't it the not having someone nice to text, the flirting etc. I think the best thing for you would be to submerge yourself in a new job, recruitment agency, concentrate on career (maybe new hot men on commute, at work, at Pret a manger etc!), but of course give yourself time to adjust and grieve for bear (not Grylls I hope! ).

Waving you're our dating heroine! MTG and you seem to be going great guns especially after he who shall not be named (clue - dodgy area in red light of London!)

tanya sorry don't know your story as sort of a newbie but don't for goodness sake feel like an idiot. I know it feels like it should feel that way, you want to write off everything you did on the one hand then bounce back with them the next (if you like them that is).

That's why I'm so pleased I never took Mr Journo seriously or also Irish either who like I say sexts (which i don't reply to) then goes onto ask me how my day is, am I tired did I work too hard would i like a massage. All of which puts me right off! What to do?!

I don't have the energy right now to do OLD again but may start a new site Lovestruck where I joined briefly before. OKC and Smooch are diabolical. Never got on with POF either.

On the plus side I have a gallery first night preview on Thursday (well 2 of them) one is SILs at William Morris Gallery where she's director general manager whatever...that's fashion though so may attract women, eg competition. The other is a rowdy new art opening preview at a trendy Westbourne Grove gallery where I went to friend of friends show last year - lots of prosecco flowed, a few single men, and horror of horrors one drunken attractive man tried to chat me up and wrongly or rightly I just ran! Monday after another first night art thing but relatives which makes flirting slightly awkward but if needs must!

I am still (god this is awful) thinking about drop dead gorgeous man I bumped into on walk home from walk via work... We exchanged looks... I blushed... What's the chances of seeing him again I don't know! Should I try to go that route again in hope of seeing him again?! yes I'm well aware it's stalker territory! the shame last time was with female colleague and not a chance of getting my flirt on so may just go without her.... Where I work there's also a farmers lunch market once a week in a square (Hammersmith) with a plethora of men... Maybe that's prime hunting ground, I need a wing woman... Sadly won't use my female colleagues.... And don't know anyone else. My wing woman could be my French friend though who may go to one of the art events with me. She has chutzpah!

freaky wow well done, handy Now take notes!

bacon sounds a good un - it isn't Kevin Bacon by any change is it IToldYou.

Perfect question, perfect answers go you! So what new underwear are you planning?! Mine was a very dark navy almost black lace/sheer balconette bra and pants from Boux Avenue which totally look more expensive than they are! Mr Journo liked them and I needed a new black bra anyway!

Well done freaky! You raised it (brave!) and then you handled it smoothly.
And lovely to hear that you're on the same page.

I am not sticking my head in the sand any more either. I'm going to be braver in the future too. If I ever get to that point again!!

waving I think he lives in Hammersmith and works... No idea, pin stripes so maybe city?!

No haven't read MH - 2 friends of mine went to his talk last year strangely enough but I think they're both single still! But said he was very good. I'm fine re talking to men, working a room etc.... It's just twats I need and want to avoid!

314 it will come again, bruised ego and heart are the absolute pits, but you do sound remarkably well healed even though you're maybe playing the part well! Bravery in the future and realising you have stuck your head in the sand in past (or even now) are all healing signs. Well done!

Handy that would have driven me mad, the luke warm response about half term!!

I would say Amy Young's mantra "mixed messages, are not my thing".

I mean, say it to yourself :-p

superflyhigh I'm curious, what do you do that you meet "loads of men through work" !!!??
Thank you btw. I'm actually fine because I know it's just adjustment. I know it's not actually a big deal. Just a process of adjusting. So in about ten days, I'll be so fine, there'll be cobwebs on skype. I bailed just at the right time though because I had only just begun to have thoughts like ''so why not me then, why, if he's had girlfriends in the past, why not me, now... is it because I'm not clever enough? Is it because I'm older than he is? " I hadn't been dwelling on stuff like that until really recently before I walked away. I nipped the situation in the bud the moment I realised I was asking myself that shit.

314 I think I just meant there seems to be lots of men in my area, they all go to lunch etc... Lots of offices, Sony, l'oreal etc... And a police station! I am not a lady of the night! . I'm just a legal sec/pa though.

Oh 10 days is early! I think when it ends or we end it we always wonder why or what we did wrong. Heck with my ex from about 3 years ago I'm mates with him on FB and I'm wondering what on earth does he see in his new GF?! Who's 15 years younger but not as attractive as moi etc!

ah right! wondered if you were...... hmm (ideas ideas) a sports injury physiotherapist, or, or... a shoe shine girl at liverpool street station, or.... the receptionist at sexual health clinic. the possibilities are endless.

freaky that couldn't have gone better if you'd written it yourself! Well done for being brave, I'm so glad it paid off

superfly i am jealous of the william morris gallery he is my favourite and i love his designs!
I sent a message saying i didnt think we would be suitable and wishing him good luck in the future and now talking to a builder iron.

Morning all! It's a beautiful bright sunny Monday!

Super Nah, definitely not Kevin Bacon! Our first conversation was about bacon (there was a whole Irish thing going on) and it just kind of stuck. It's extra silly as I'm vegetarian. Not sure about undies, I'll pop to Debenhams at some point this week and see what I can find. Need a new frock too!

Sounds like you have lots of lovely RL opportunities to at least meet some new people, if not potential irons. And I would totally, totally stalk the hot guy.

Handy How are you doing today? I have faith in Twix. You've had a few of these wobbles, spoken to him and he's come good every time. The lack of compliments/enthusiasm would bother the hell out of me though. Mr2015 was like that and I felt like I was constantly competing for his attention and approval.

314 You're right, it is a process of adjustment and you WILL adjust soon. You've got a busy time coming up, right? Family visiting? That'll take your mind of stupid Bear for a bit.

Tanya Hope you are OK

Last It honestly couldn't have gone any better if I'd written it myself. I am still on cloud 9 and pinching myself this morning. Saturday night was lovely but very flirty. We didn't really talk of much of substance, just had a laugh, which was fine but last night when he spoke we were both much more serious and that was lovely too, in a different way. We even talked about WhatsApp being awful and he said that he'd been watching when I was online and worrying who else I was talking to...see, men do it too!

Oh Freaky you're in such a great place with Bacon. It's wonderful!

So with me and Twix. I feel in a better place today. Gotta face the reality that if he doesn't see potential in us then I need to break it off and go NC. And that my life won't end, even though it will feel like the actual end of the world. And that the 'right' man for me is the one who feels the same. This potential unrequited bollox is not where it's at (sorry, language).

I gave myself a good session with MH last night. There's one vid where MH says you need to totally separate the 'I like him' from 'oh god does he like me in the same way...'. They aren't the same thing. Nothing more attractive than not actually being bothered about whether the other person feel the same. It made a lot of sense.

This is not actually about him. It's about me and my 'standards' (I know MH bangs on about them - yawn) but I can't slide into falling in love with an emotionally unavailable man. I won't do it to myself.

So, like it or lump it, Mr Twix, I'm going to be discussing this tomorrow evening with you before I've drunk too much to drive home (with tears streaming down my face) if that's what your answer requires of me.

Shit scared but gonna ask him directly. No more avoiding it.

Oh Handy, my heart's in my mouth for you! I so hope you get the answers that you need. My gut says that he does see the potential for you both but he's not great at expressing that. But you need him to be able to, so I hope he steps up.

Oh thanks, Freaky that means a lot. You lot really are the only ones who get it!

My gut says he isn't sure yet, that he's just feeling his way, and enjoying doing that. My gut is a bit further along and needs a fricking sign! So who knows..... I love that you have faith in Twix. It means a lot too that you aren't all saying 'dump his equivocal arse and get back on POF'

So thanks for that also

Wow, the dishwasher repair man just gave me a hug. I hope I'm not emanating needy vibes here. He was telling me he had daughters and then there was some chat about what DC I had and how we all either turn out the complete opposite of our parents or exactly the same. As he was hugging me I said ''i hope you're not going to charge extra for this"". He let me off a tenner.

Having a cupán té anois. Did you know that the Irish for Pig is muc. That is one of the few words I know because that cracked me up so much. I said ''you're kidding???'' no, irish for pig = muc. (pronounced muck). That was for you Freaky. A quick lesson. And here endeth the lesson because that is the limit of my vocab there.

I feel ok. I think that need to communicate the little stuff to somebody is already ebbing away. Going back to being an island again.

I just think if I were an animal, I'd be a dog not a cat right. Bear was a bear obviously!! What he likes about cats is that they're independent but dogs love you back, so that's nice obviously. He wanted to be loved back, but he likes the independence of a cat. So he got a dog and kept reminding her she was just a cat.

That's kind of how I feel with a few days distance.

I'm going to do two workouts again today. I've done that every day for the last few days and OMG it helps. I felt really strong mentally, emotionally, physically.

Like Jamie Somers. Re-built. But better and stronger :-p

Pigs, dogs, Bears, cats..........

I am obsessed with animals.

By the way, I wasn't all down when the dishwasher repair man was here. I wasn't telling him my life story. I've no idea why he leant over and gave me a hug. We were chatting but I wasn't sad, or over sharing!

handy you've had enough dates now to know that it is not unreasonable to ask ...

I was watching another Matthew this morning, just five minutes before I got out of bed. He was saying that one of the most repeated questions he gets from women is the question about whether or not they will scare away a man if they ask if he wants a relationship and he was saying that a man who is scared of a relationship will be scared by that question!!!! he will act like you're dropping snakes on him. But accordinng to Matthew Boggs a man who is not opposed to the idea of a relationship will not be scared away if you ask what his intentions are/how he sees things.

You are a dog 314 I think I might be too. I have a strong independent streak but I'm a pack animal really.
What made Bear a bear? I have no freaking clue what animal Bacon is yet...he's a complicated one to figure out. I feel bad now that I thought he was boring due to his lack of Amazing Life. He's got a lot of interesting stuff going on internally and it's going to be fun figuring all that out. Maybe he's an axolotl, they are weird but cute.

Thank you for the Irish lesson, I have nothing beyond "cead mile failte" (excuse lack of fadas)

I'm sure you weren't enamating neediness to the dishwasher repair man...he probably hugs all his customers that work out twice daily!

Handy I think asking him where he stands is totally a healthy and high value move. And ballsy, you have my complete admiration. Because it is all very easy to say that when you are not in the situation, I would say the best way to address it seems to be to be coming from a place of "I have been investing so I would like a progress report on that investment" - instead of "please tell me you want a relationship" IYSWIM. And I am with Freaky I believe Twix will be on the same page as you, you "just" need to create an open, safe and positive space for discussion for him to open up.

314 thanks for the article, I agree it is very good! And I love your little farm haha. The Bear withdrawal syndrome is shit, I am sorry you have to go through that. Sending you strength and positive vibes!

Freaky well done you for MHing Bacon!!

Super totally ok to track that random hot guy down!

Waving sounds like you had a lovely weekend - are you saying "god dammit" yet?

Knowing Watch this Amy Young video, I think it could help you with the Sherpa situation:

Last I would not date a guy in a wheelchair/with difficulties walking because I love hiking and that is something I want to share with a partner. As long as your lifestyles can be compatible, I say go for it, he sounds awesome TBH!

So it is decided, Karmic date 4 is happening on Wednesday. He sent lovely fun texts over the weekend and I am slowly moving towards the pining bench now he also stopped bombarding me with questions by text like he was doing prior to date 1 and generally sending needy vibes since I started hinting that I do like him. I think that is one of the things I like most about him, he is good at spotting what is wrong and correcting himself right away without me having to do much at all. And that is incredibly relaxing .

So who else is on the dating calendar this week? (Handy, Freaky, obviously Waving and?)

Me too Freaky. I think we're similar. Our lives are in good order, no debts, addictions, no major neuroses or regrets....., we don't need anybody's support, or money or encouragement, but WE are kind of a bit tail waggy if we don't rein it back in. I'm a dog but not a mongrel. I'm a weimaraner. Something riiight classy like. What kind of dog are you?!

This is me.

Do I look like I am a cat?! [Woof]

Jolly, good clip.