never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

Vertigo, is she 18 or an innocent child? I'm confused.

Not the thread police, no. Just really, really concerned about the OP and what some posters on this thread will be doing to contribute to her state of mind.

sassandfaff you put it better than me. I've been here since WWIFN days, too, and to be honest, I thought she was dogmatic about this kind of thing. She was never bloody cruel, though.

Buzzardbird, with respect, this thread though is about the OP. The stories from cheated on wives and affected children must be excruciating for her in her current state where she's already blaming herself so much. It's obvious to anybody who reads her posts on this thread.

Anybody can post on the thread, sure, but the same consideration and compassion needs to be given for the OP as for Heartbroken and the other posters.

This thread will just be derailed otherwise and that's not fair to AThousandRegrets.

Fingers too fudgy between the I and the o!!!

Thanks, Sass.

Indeed she wasn't, Hazel, WWIFN was a fab poster, erudite but compassionate and ultra-fair.

What do you call the person you birthed? In England we call them our child or children. Innocent www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/innocent

sassandfaff my 'stance' is that posters are unfair to judge the oldest DD in a rush to make the OP feel better. There are 2 sides to the story, so I shared mine. It is allowed you know - as other have stated, you & lying don't own the thread.

I think you're being disingenuous, Vertigo.

The OP hasn't posted for a while.

Hope she's okay.

I didn't know someone had stated I didn't own the thread?!

I haven't said anything directly to anyone except heartbroken and yourself.

So if you want to say I don't own the thread, then please do.

You didn't say, I think the df could be feeling such and such though, based on my own experience with my sd's DDS. You came in guns blazing accusing everyone of disgracefully criticising the df.

And you've just justified the criticism as a need to make the op feel better.

So? And?

It's the op's thread.

She's asking for support.

She talks about suicide.

Fuck me.

Perhaps I should hold her down, while you kick her some more?

*Dd

No care for the upset you caused my child with your vile comments about her knowing she was reading andnot knowing her age, in fact you thought she was under 18. That says a LOT about you.

Dear me, Vertigo, this is not the thread for you mainly because it's not about you fgs

Then you shouldn't have written what you did, repeatidly about my child. You keep bringing it up. Leave it and I will leave it.

I think it is a bit rich for sassandfaff to talk about going in all guns blazing - your last post came across as so aggressive and angry it was practically sizzling on the screen.

AThousandRegrets

You have to stop now. You really do. It's time to realise what you are going to lose for yourself and lose for your children if you don't.

You were 26, that's pretty young. You were single, with a small child, and you had your head turned by an older man, instead of the 'boys' you'd been with before him.

Your DH left his first wife very quickly, so it's more than likely he left of his own accord, not because he was found out. He left before really finding out if you and he would work or not, so he was ready to leave, you were the catalyst not the cause.

I understand that many 'firsts' have been tainted either by the way you got together or by the fact that they weren't firsts for him. It would take a bit of the shine off it for most people, that's only natural. But you can make new firsts. Your DH has never had a step son and two daughters before, lots of things are different to how they were with his eldest DD.

He has told you he loves you, he has told you he's never felt that way before, he's told you he wasn't happy in his marriage and that he & his first wife were never right for each other. Yes, lots of men say these thngs, but you know, it's not always a lie. You're now assuming he's following the script, but what if he's not? What if he's 100% truthful,about this? How much must he be hurting that you don't believe him? How much damage are you doing to your husband, your marriage, yourself & your kids? You are going to make him unhappy if you carry on like this and you'll create a self fulfilling situation. I wish I'd understood that years ago.

Keep posting, keep try get hear what we are saying. Yes what you both did was wrong. But it was for a very short time & should not be clouding your life forever more.

The situation with his daughter is very sad, she probably needs some help to process it as well, but she's an adult now & will have to access that help herself.

Your DH still emails her despite her rejections over a very long period of time, to me that's the sign on a good father/man. They aren't all cheating arseholes who will cheat on you if they cheat with you. Sometimes they are just men who have made mistakes, married people they aren't compatible with and are very unhappy, but stay because of the kids or just 'because' it's bearable' until they realise they can actually be happy again.

His ex wife has moved on, you need to as well.

There is NO good to gained from continuing to beat yourself up about how you got together, just harm. 🍫

cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference

If that's the case he may well leave you.

It will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
You aren't enjoying your relationship, you're stuck in the past, obsessed with his ex.

Who wants to be with a partner like that?

If he does leave you it won't be for the mistress vacancy, etc but because of this.

sass and Hazel, just post around them maybe? I'm not engaging with them anymore.

AThousandRegrets, if you're still reading, this is your thread and if you want to post on it, people are listening.

Sometimes they are just men who have made mistakes, married people they aren't compatible with and are very unhappy, but stay because of the kids or just 'because' it's bearable' until they realise they can actually be happy again.

Extrahotlatte the problem with that is, they must have been compatible and thought they were right to marry at some point so what changed?

Happy again until the novelty wears off again.

That was deliberate what

I've no time for someone who says,

How dare you say its because she's such and such, how do you know? It's obviously because of such and such, because I know.

And then can't see or admit that they are just guessing too.

It's illogical.

And I especially have no time for someone who can't see how much the op is hurting, needs reassurance, but puts across a alternate view that will make her feel worse.

This isn't a debating society.

This is a person hurting, with feelings.

Empathy, compassion are feelings and verbs

I will lying

Op. I hope you are doing the opposite of what I think you're doing- ignoring those who validate your feelings and listening to those with empathy and comparison for you.

I asked you the question earlier about whether your dh has ever said something and then lied, because you seem to distrust him based on how the script seems to go on here. But if he's never broken your trust, then, that isn't your situation, is it?

He sounds like he adores you. I feel so bad for you that you can't enjoy that.

*compassion

OP, I agree with the posters who recommend further counselling. Do consider seeing someone privately as a PP suggested. It will be more than worth it.

I was cheated on whilst pregnant. My ex is with OW and her child, but I genuinely hope they're happy.
It caused a lot of heartbreak and misery at the time, but life moves on and realistically, I doubt that your DH's ex thinks about their split much anyway - it was a long time ago and she's had other relationships.

Enjoy what you have now, don't dwell on the past and move on. You've punished yourself enough and it's helping no one.
I hope you find peace.

SoThatHappened, as much as a cheated on partner (I was also one) would like to think this, it isn't always true. People change, grow, grow apart, myriad reasons, nobody's fault. Affairs are not the answer, nobody sane would think that they are a good thing, but sometimes they are the catalyst that brings a failing relationship to an end.

...and sometime, quite often, the subsequent relationship is happier and more content, hard as it can be to witness that.

From what OP has posted, I think this is very much the case here; her husband left and his marriage to OP is fulfilling, in spite of the issues around contact with children. I wish OP could get a clear picture of what her relationship is, rather than what she fears it is.

I have only skimmed the thread. I was the dd in your story. It was very hard as a child but actually I never hated my dad. I loved him very much (he died a few years ago). I didn't particularly get on with his second wife but that was a personality thing, not due to the affair.

You can't take the guilt for her reaction, that's nothing really to do with you personally.

As an adult I just believe that life can be complicated and we all just try to do our best. You were relatively young when you got together. Try to put the past behind you. In another family (like mine) the situation would have become accepted. It's really not your fault that it became so complicated.

None of us know what's round the corner. You can't really predict what may happen in a relationship, however it started out. Just enjoy the positives. I hope you find some peace

Just quickly posting, I'm on my phone

I'm ok. Have read all the replies...I'll reply properly tomorrow when I'm on my laptop as the app on this phone is quite shit

But I want to say a quick thanks to those posters who have been so kind to me when I feel it's the last thing I deserve