never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

Good luck OP. I hope today goes well. Your DH would be able to ring your GP or their out of hours service on your behalf and ask for access to your local MH crisis team. Be honest with him so he can give them a full picture of how things are.

Hope you can sort things out op. After everything you both have been through you should be happy together. It would be horrible if it was all for nothing surely?

Please be kinder to yourself.

Agree with PageStillNotFound, your husband can make the call for you and I'm sure he'd be quite prepared to do that, ask him for help so that you can access the help you need.

You're doing well, AThousand, getting your husband over to talk is the first step.

Be honest, brutally honest, don't leave anything out.

It will be hard for you to say out loud, and hard for him to hear but it is the best thing.
He needs to know the depths of your self loathing and the true extent of your mixed up thinking.

Ask him to help you find a way forward - tell him that even the thought of speaking to someone on the phone is too overwhelming.

GP or out of hours mental health crisis team is your best bet - this is far beyond counselling, it's a mental health problem.

I want to reassure you again that you are not the only person to ever feel these sort of extreme feelings, or to have such mixed up (borderline delusional) thinking, or to feel so much hate and guilt towards yourself.
Nothing you can say will shock the health care professionals, so don't be scared to tell them everything, however shameful or horrific.

Lots of love and luck to you,
You will get through this, you just can't see it yet.

I echo everything everyone has said.

Be kinder to yourself.
Be brutally honest.
Get help.
Let your DH ring, if it overwhelms you.

I didn't mention it before, but I've been here. I ruminated for years and years. It ended with me being very broken and thinking really odd things, that made complete sense at the time, but make no sense now.

You can get through this, you just need help. Don't push DH away right now. Get better first and then see how you feel. I doubt you will feel the same way.

You do deserve happiness. Of course you do. Remember that.

So hope things start to improve for you. I'm glad DH is coming over.

So happy you're determined to get the right help OP, and have listened to the nice and very wise posters. It's great that you're going to talk to your DP. You deserve happiness. You may have good days and then some challenging days, but remember to keep moving forward one little bit at a time.

I wish you and your family buckets of love and happiness in the future x

just want to say thanks though and you're a million times wiser than I ever could be

Don't beat yourself up too much, people are always wiser about other people's problems.

So pleased to read your last update. You are doing the right thing. Wishing you peace and happiness in your future. Good luck

You're very brave.
I wish you and your family all the luck in the world.

So pleased and relieved to read your update. Things will get better, and we are all rooting for you on here xx

I hope you had a good talk.

How are you today?

I hope your DH is back at home with you and that you have a plan to help you.

Life really, really is too short to end your marriage over a mistake that was made many years ago. He clearly loves you, don't throw it away 💐

Once past your early twenties almost everyone has a history and some baggage as well as having lived a life and often been madly in love.

So sorry to read of your pain-
Please get some help so that you can forgive yourself.
You, dh and the DC can have a happy family life. Chose it.

I haven't rtft but...I have a couple of theories (maybe half-baked and perhaps not very clearly described, sorry!)

The first is that I think that things which are big emotional matters really descend with a vengeance when you reach the significant age for the understanding - in your case, the age when you realise you are in the same vulnerable boat as DH's Ex. In my case, I fear the point when my DD is 15, as I currently have one perspective on something that happened with me at that age and have felt relatively liberal about it. I suspect it'll all come crashing down for me when I see the truth about what she's like then (and likely not grown up enough to handle a comparable situation I would do anything to protect her from). The point in time when you 'can' understand, or are forced to, is in my opinion unavoidable and not ground that you have been able to go over before.

Secondly: you need to talk to him and open up about this. If I were in your shoes I would hate this idea deeply, but I really think it will go better than you think. You are in this together. He may also have a perspective you hadn't even considered.

Third: when you are depressed and turning things over desperately in your head, as you may be doing, it's all about how your internal perspective sees it, and NOT how things really are. I've been told this several times - I so rarely convince myself though, but please consider that this is the case. You can and you will feel better, but by taking small steps forward, not staying in this place.