never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

A very honest post op and I just wanted to say that I think you are 100% blaming yourself. Your DH was also responsible for what happened. It wasn't just you. I do feel for his ex and in a way it is refreshing to see an OW being so honest and that it isn't all the roses it may seem. But you need to forgive yourself. You clearly are a good person.

I think you need to examine how you are feeling quite carefully. It is not normal to feel suicidal about this. You say he is the perfect DH and a wonderful father.

DH and I got together as the result of an affair (he was married when we met - no children involved). We are now more than 17 years down the line and very happily married. You will always get the virtuous "marry the mistress create a vacancy" line trotted out on here but every situation is different.

I think you need to see your GP

The step mother thing is not at all that it's cracked up to be - believe me!
Blending families is bloody hard work and can certainly break down relationships.
Please make the most of what you have now.
Stop dwelling on that fantasy that was nowhere near reality anyway!
This is not a fairy-tale. it is life.
You get one shot - so you start to live and enjoy yours with your own family!
We ALL deserve happiness.

It's a shitty situation OP but he did it, not you.

like I say I have no idea if her mum has influenced her. I don't know her mum at all, I never met her and tbh If I was left like she was I would be so hurt and angry that i cant say I would not have stuff to say to my dc about him

I don't think she will ever come round as she has made her position clear. and at 22 she is an adult, she has her own child, she is with someone, she works and lives independently.

I do know that her mum remarried a few years ago, I don't know if that makes any difference. but I also know that for the first year or so after DH left her she really wanted DH back which still makes me feel bad - as I can imagine how I would feel if he left me and all the turmoil my DC and my lives would be thrown into

I totally agree that dh was responsible too, but I just think if I hadn't have come along he would have carried on in the marriage ...yeah maybe another woman would have caught his eye if it wasn't me, but at least I wouldn't have been the one responsible for being the catalyst for him leaving his family

DH knows exactly how I feel. he says he never had feelings for anyone as strongly as he did me, that he has never been so happy, that him and his ex were never really that right for eachother. he says he would have left anyway. but I know from on here that's what they all say. . its all part of the script

He says he never had feelings for anyone as strongly as he did me, that he has never been so happy, that him and his ex were never really that right for eachother. he says he would have left anyway. but I know from on here that's what they all say. . its all part of the script
This is not always part of a script, you have been together many years you have children together and if his never strayed in all your years together then believe him when he says this.

God OP, life is complicated and it's messy. I've been an OW and I've left a relationship for someone else (who I'm now married to). There weren't any kids in either of those relationships- and maybe that's what's making the difference here, you feel so bad because of his DD- but you can't think like this.

Life is short and everyone deserves to be happy and karma isn't going to bite everyone on the arse because they weren't always entirely without fault or sin. Maybe there is a script but for what it worth, I don't think your husband is following it. Maybe he and his first wife never really were very happy or right for each other. Maybe he hasn't ever felt for anyone what he feels for you. I think your depression is the issue here, not your relationship.

As your your stepdaughter- her Dad left and that's rough. But her reaction seems disproportionate too. I think you're catastrophising based on thinking karma will avenge you because of your step daughters reactions and I don't think that's true.

OP, seriously, stop reading OW threads on here.

Honestly. It will do you no good at all.

You're a wife and mother now, your DH sounds like a good man.

If you carry on this way, you'll create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and drive him away.

It may not be the mum poisoning her, I was suicidal as a teenager and spent time as an inpatient in a mental health unit. It wasn't because anyone poisoned me against the other parent, it was because I had a complete breakdown as a result of everything that happened that was completely beyond my control.

Yy to forgiving yourself. Even people who commit much more serious crimes are given a punishment with an end in sight (sentence).

When do you think, that you will have been punished enough?

I think nearly everyone on here thinks that, that time has passed by now. (If they even think you needed punishing in the first place)

Do you think that by being so guilt ridden you are solving anything? You can't go back in time, you can't change Dh's dd.

I do really believe that you need to change your perspective. It sounds like you are just ruminating constantly and going arounofand around.

My exdp told my dd that I had ruined his life. My crime? I left his violent ass. When he was 31! How is that ruining his life?! Some people will just soak in their own toxicity. (Like dh's dd seems to be doing)

My df cheated on my mum. I was 15, my dB was 12. It was awful. But I've never once refused to see my df, we've had one cross word, in 26 years since, and it was totally unrelated, and no one lives their DM as much as I do, but I didn't turn bitter at what he did to my DM.

But unfortunately op, you seem to be choosing (although it probably doesnt feel like a choice) to soak in your own toxicity as well.

I hope you can get some counselling, or talk to your dh, and find some closure, for all your sakes.

Care about yourself, like you would do a friend. It would kill me, to think one if my friends was treating herself so badly.

Oh the irony op !

The Western understanding of 'karma' that so often gets trotted out on here is bullshit anyway.

If 'karma' means bad people get punished, how come Jimmy Savile got away with it?

Less extremely, LOTS of people have affairs. Look at Harold Pinter and Antonia Fraser (andJoan Bakewell! ), Wendy Craig and John Mortimer, Bruce Springsteen and Patti Scialfa, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne...those are just off the top of my head. Are they all total cunts who deserve to die, and whose children shouldn't be here?

Of course not.

Your reaction is disproportionate and you need to see a doctor.

Life is so messy and complicated, nothing is ever cut and dried and you are torturing yourself so unnecessarily.

It's become common on MN to assert that every OW is a total shit and that she won't be happy anyway. In real life, it isn't like that.

And frankly, if he left after a few weeks, yes, he would have left anyway. And it all happened a long time ago, and you sound as if you are completely torturing yourself.

A sad story BUT .Firstly he may have left his wife anyway. He could not have been happy if he left them so quickly .
These things in life happen and as hard as they are you cant live your life forever in guilt.
My ex cheated on me and was ( I think) happy with his choice for 20 odd years . he is now alone and unhappy....maybe because of guilt I dont know and to be honest I dont really care. His ex will be well over him . Its a shame his daughter is so angry but maybe one day she will be glad her dad his happy .
Stop beating yourself up and enjoy your life now x Its too short x

I meant to add too that the way his DD has behaved isn't totally normal either, I don't think. One of my best friends Dads left when my friend was 11 and his sister was 13. He had been having an affair for a few years and then emptied the joint savings when he left to boot, causing their mum a fuck ton of anguish. 20 years later my friend doesn't exactly talk about his dad in glowing terms but he doesn't hate or refuse to see him either.

A slow handclap for violetvacine and getit; just ignore them OP, contributing nothing except a kicking which you don't need right now and don't deserve anyway.

Why don't you both go and salivate on another thread where the OP isn't suffering? Pathetic, both of you.

lyingwitchinthewardrobe - tbh I expected every post to be similar so I understand why they have posted in the way they have ....if it has happened to them or their loved ones I can understand them wanting any OW to feel pain ...thanks though x

felloutofbed I sort of agree, I have friends who's dads left when they were kids, some left because of affairs, all my friends still see their dads. My parents are still together, but I think if my dad had have ever left I would have been devastated but I would have still wanted to see him?

motherinferior .... It's become common on MN to assert that every OW is a total shit and that she won't be happy anyway - yes it has.... I am a regular who has name changed and been on here several years now. But MN is why I have doubted DH so much, as, before discovering this board and the "script" etc I fully believed DH's account of his previous marriage, and always thought people only ever cheated if they were unhappy or with the wrong person.

hazel - I perhaps should see a doctor...because actually this has made me see that my reaction is disproportionate esp after all this time. although not sure what else they can do tbh as already on anti depressant tablets and have tried therapy. although the thought makes me cringe as I would worry I was wasting their time, sat in my over stretched NHS gp's surgery with people with real illnesses, actual life threatening problems and there's me crying over how I got with my H. :/

saassandfaff yes I agree although I am honestly not choosing it I cant help it and I cant help thinking I don't deserve to be happy, am sure there is a saying "you will never be happy if your happiness is based on other peoples misery" or something ....and yeah while dh ex is probably long over it - it has caused his DD years of pain and him too so I do feel like my happiness (when I AM actually happy that is) and good life is based on a foundation of misery

thanks for the nice messages though I am very surprised

Fortunately, AThousandRegrets, most posters are not like this, they have some intelligence and post accordingly even if they don't agree with you. There's just no excuse for kicking a poster who needs support and please don't feel cowed into taking that crap.

You're getting some great advice on this thread, please do see somebody because your sadness seems to be overwhelming you and stopping you from deservedly enjoying your life. You deserve a good life and that's what you have from the sounds of it. Maybe you just need somebody officially to tell you that the sackcloth isn't necessary. It isn't.

Unless we don't know the full story re. access visits and maintenance etc I think that the daughter overreacted, possibly having been influenced by her mother. You'd think that as a grown woman with a baby, she would have stopped seeing the world in black and white, as many teenagers do. Yes, her father was duplicitous and sleazy, but he's still her father.

Will he cheat on you? It's possible that he won't - maybe you're better suited to him thsn his ex was. I know twice-married people who've cheated on the first spouse, but not the other.

You can't really complain about family experiences not being new for him- you knew the score. You should have married someone without children if that was important. But precious posters make good points about these things being new for YOUR children - they'll be enjoying themNonetheless.

If you are a long time poster though op, you should be aware that your dh didn't follow the script though, did he?

He left fairly quickly. He didn't string you a long. I agree that most follow a script, and eventually they do it again in a lot, if not mist cases. But if I has to bet, I would say that you and your dh will be the exception to that norm.

That is, if you don't ruin it beyond repair with your self flagellation.

Is it close to that point?

I left my marriage when I met somebody else. I didn't follow the typical script and neither has your dh. While it's not a conversation any spouse wants to have , nobody has to stay in a marriage where they are unhappy.

well he did as far as saying he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for ages ...which is how it starts at least I think? and the saying they have never felt like this before etc.....i am sure that's part of it too

i wouldn't say it is ruined beyond repair because believe it or not we are solid, despite how i feel about how we got together, i am happy with him, and he seems happy, well he certainly acts it. i worry as well that if he wasn't happy he wouldn't tell me as clearly it came as a big shock to his exw when he left. although he says they argued a lot and when they weren't arguing they would ignore eachother. which could be bullshit anyway. i have asked him in the past about why he never tried to mend things with his ex to which he said he just didnt care enough. which doesn't really paint him in a good light does it

i know its unreasonable to dislike the fact that that he has "done it all before" but it really does bother me as it makes me think it is less special to him ....everything was new to me, i had never had a family before, it was nothing special with my eldests dad, he was just a teenage boyfriend that dragged on too long. prior to him i had had a few relationships but nothing serious

ironically when we met i loved that he was older and experienced in life...i had only ever been out with boys, he seemed like a proper,. grown up man compared to the people i had dated before

It says all that you will ever need to know about someone if they cheat on a partner. There is never an excuse.

How ridiculous, Lady, it tells you nothing other than that they cheated on a partner. No, there is never an excuse. There's never an excuse for lots of things but people make them just the same.

Are we going to hear 'once a cheat/thief/drunk, always a - insert descriptor of choice - now?

Agree with PPs that your MH issue is likely to be contributing to these intrusive thoughts, and vice versa! You would NOT be wasting NHS resources! Seeking further help with your health could be a good thing.

What happened and has happened since (especially your H's daughter) is very sad, but you shouldn't and can't atone for your part in it by beating yourself up, it's hurting yourself