never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

I'm glad you are still reading and are ok 💐

*SoThatHappened Wed 06-Apr-16 19:59:01

[Quoting my earlier post] Sometimes they are just men who have made mistakes, married people they aren't compatible with and are very unhappy, but stay because of the kids or just 'because' it's bearable' until they realise they can actually be happy again

the problem with that is, they must have been compatible and thought they were right to marry at some point so what changed? Happy again until the novelty wears off again

What changed was they grew up, got to know themselves better, realised they'd made a mistake and learnt from it. Met someone they are compatible with and married them, had a family & lived happily ever after. It happens.

Nobody on here is aware of my own experiences with a similar situation. Any woman who chooses to pursue a married man or long term partner ( whether unhappily coupled or not) chooses to take on board the guilt associated with breaking up a family. The repercussions of which are horrific for the woman and the dc.
The op chose this!
Obviously the dickhead is equally to blame.
I appreciate that you op are upset but I cannot understand why you would not expect to worry about him potentially cheating on you at some point. Both of you have a history .

And I am not deliberately upsetting the OP!
This is my opinion.
Opinions differ as do experiences.
I hope for the OP's sake that her relationship doesn't break down otherwise it wasn't worth breaking up the family.
Perhaps the counselling would help?

Glad you are ok op. Kiss your DH and your children tonight and know how much you love them and how much they love you. How can that not be right? I do hope you are able to get some additional support. [Flowers]

Glad you're ok OP

Please stop beating yourself up OP. There's nothing to be gained from it.

As others have said, life is often complex. All of us have made mistakes and done things we regret. If you find you can't stop ruminating about this then please do make an appointment with your GP,. Hope you're ok .

I could have phrased that a bit more clearly. The point I was trying to make is that you might look back on the past and have regrets about the way your relationship started. But that doesn't mean your present is a mistake. Especially not your wonderful children.

Anyway. The main thing I wanted to say was stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve to feel this low. You deserve to enjoy what you have and be happy like anyone else. Please do seek help if you need to.

cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left.

I'm finding it hard to empathise because we are essentially dealing with a woman who has just had a belated attack of empathy.

If people do shitty things they have to handle the consequences don't they? Or is being really really sorry all anyone has to do to be absolved of all guilt now?

I don't think her navel gazing is serving any purpose or helping anyone or making up for anything. In fact it remains selfish in nature because her primary concern is that she's no longer young and beautiful enough for him.

I expect his ex felt what she feels now, times a hundred so I'll save my sympathy for her.

It's not 'projecting' it's speaking from experience, albeit from the other side of the fence.

OP, as others have said, if the relationship breaks down now then all the pain was for nothing so the best outcome is a long and happy marriage. Look forwards not back, there's bugger all you can do about any of it now and fwiw he sounds like a prize shit so maybe you did his ex a favour.

A man with the baggage of a first family will never make a second happy family. I am n a similar situation.

What a needlessly spiteful post, HappyJanuary, you sound very embittered. Coming into the thread late, you might have picked up that OP's vulnerable yet you call it navel-gazing. You'd have to be quite a crass and insensitive person really to post that.

MCDL, how would you know whether OP's husband has made a happy second family or not? What absolute cliched BOLLOCKS.

I hope anyone else popping into this thread reads the actual OP carefully before posting.

Someone's being socialised to see women as old and ugly, by virtue of only a number!

How odd.

Paraphrasing- She's not really got any empathy, she's just navel gazing now, because she lost her looks.

And we have a winner......

Stop. Punishing. Yourself.

I'm not speculating that she's worried about losing him as she gets older, op said that herself.

Haven't read any of the replies, just your OP.

I finished with my husband last year after discovering his 10 yr affair, we have 2 children.
I don't think he would ever have left me tbh, he was just a greedy fucker that wanted a bit on the side.He's still 'with' OW but he's not happy, and she appears to be fucking miserable because it's not how she had it all planned.

I am bitter, angry, sad etc and I hate her for the role that she knowingly & willingly played as well as hating him for the lies and betrayal.

Your husband left his marriage very quickly, I would say that this indicates that he was telling the truth about a failing relationship with his wife tbh.
You've been together and married a long time now and have children together, with years of shared memories.
Regardless of how it began, your marriage and your children are real and true - what happened, happened; it can't be changed or done differently, it's just fact.

Stop beating yourself up.
Enjoy and appreciate what you have, stop looking for trouble where there's none.

I agreed with Frizzly's last paragraph... why are you beating yourself up? So many threads on here about affairs/OWs end up with someone saying they will never leave their wives etc but your MM did so maybe he did make a mistake and marry the wrong person and is now happy with you?
It's not the right way to do things but it happens. And as for that old chestnut about creating a vacancy it just isn't always true... there is no hard and fast rule for affairs and the people who have them

Speak to your gp if you can . I agree that you need help.

As for anything else what woulD make you happy?

There is no certainty in life but it does appear that your dh truly loves you.

That's a pretty shit thing to say Hazel

Please seek further help, OP. It's understandable to feel guilt over the beginning of your relationship and how his daughter has reacted, but that doesn't mean you have to crucify yourself for all eternity. Yes, in a perfect world people would leave one partner before starting a relationship with the next but neither the world nor people are perfect. It sounds as though your DH genuinely loves you and isn't a serial cheater. Cut him and (even more so) yourself some slack.

I was an OW. My now-DH left his wife and we've been together 25 years. It's not how I dreamed of my relationship starting and there was guilt at the beginning, but we are where we are. (If that sounds dismissive it's not meant to be, but I don't feel the need to explain in detail the genesis of our relationship.). My DH is a good man who did one bad thing. He was determined to continue to be a good father to his children by his first wife and I'm relieved to say he has maintained positive relationships with both of them. I get on well with his DCs and am pretty close to one in particular. Now they are adults it's up to them how much or how little time they spend / how much contact they have with me outside of formal family events and I'm delighted that they all voluntarily choose to do so. 22 is still very young; there is time for your DH's daughter to start to feel differently about her dad.

I know there are some on here who will be disappointed to hear it but - we are happy. There has never been any further adultery (me or him). First time around he married very young; he and his first wife turned out not to be as compatible as they hoped. Of course, in an ideal world he wouldn't have cheated and I wouldn't have been the OW. They've both found long-term happiness with subsequent partners, so something good came out of it. It sounds as though your DH has done the same, OP. Be kind to yourself.

I'm none of those things hazel.

But when your life implodes because of an affair, culminating in truly horrific experiences that I won't bore you with, it does change your worldview a bit.

OP did to another woman what 'my' ow did to me, of course I'm struggling to have empathy.

Very hard to read lots of comments telling her that her DH is a good guy, was probably going to leave his wife anyway, that his daughter is over-reacting. What does that say to anyone reading this thread who is contemplating an affair with a mm, or in the early stages of one? OP may sound like an absolute delight, and posting in a style that evokes sympathy, but there's another side to this story.

Op and her DH made a series of choices that hurt his first family very much, and the natural end result is horrendous guilt and a relationship poisoned by how it started, boo hoo.

Op, I wonder whether you have ever spoken to your DH's ex? Given how much time has passed, might she be open to this? I suspect she might tell you that her life has moved on and that she's happy now, that she can see you're good together, that the best outcome is that your marriage endures so that all the pain wasn't for nothing. That's what I'd tell my ow, and it might give you - and her - some closure, and allow you to deal with your guilt. It might be a first step to reconciling your DH with his dd. Practical steps instead of pointless debilitating guilt.

I get that some people will struggle to have empathy for someone who was an ow, especially if their marriage imoded because of an affair. I really do, and if it were their thread, I would be supportive as hell.

But when someone is talking about suicide, calling themselves a cunt, and generally coming across as anguished soul, this really isn't the time to tell them you have no empathy and will save any sympathy for the ex wife.

You are twisting her own knife. For what reason? She isn't your ow.

OMG this thread is ridiculous. The OP is really suffering and people are coming on to gloat.

If your relationship fails, it fails. It might fail when you're the first wife or when you're the second wife (or when you're not married at all) but fundamentally relationships fail because one or both of the people in them realise that they are not happy in that relationship. That could be for any number of reasons. Its sad but it happens. I doubt there is a single one of us on MN who hasn't had a failed relationship at some stage in their life.

There is no "first wife good, second wife evil" its ridiculous and offensive and to start the usual claptrap on a thread where the OP is talking about suicide is shocking.

I don't think that the daughter has necessarily been poisoned by her mum or has over reacted. Her dad left her at a vulnerable age and started a new family. By the sound of it she also lost her home because her dad was so financially reasonable that they had to sell their house and her mum was left with very little equity. Even if his first wife has moved on to a happier marriage she won't ever think well of the OW so I doubt it's a good idea to contact her. The best outcome now is for your family to stay together for the sake of your DCs and hopefully he won't cheat again.

What sassandfaff said.

Yes, it was a shit thing to say. It wasn't directed at one poster though.

But using a thread started by a very ill (imo) woman to beat your own drum and in some cases twist the knife further, is a really shit thing to do.

The OP is not some kind of Aunt Sally for all wronged wives to come and throw stones at.

She's a real, live woman, a mother who is suffering. Yes, she made a choice some years ago that perhaps you wouldn't have made, but Jesus, have you lot led blameless lives?