never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

As sass says, your 'sentence' is unending. That is inhuman. You made a mistake, you can't pay for it for the rest of your life

I don't have much faith in NHS counselling, personally, and prefer to go privately. Have a look at the BACP site to find a list of therapists near you. If you think you can't afford it then think again - what price to end this torture? You can't go on like this. Most therapists have a sliding fee scale so you could well get therapy at a good price if you are struggling to pay for it. Money well spent.

Do you have a faith? If so it might be an idea to see a priest/whatever to help you to forgive yourself. You can't go on like this op

He may have 'done it all before' but it's the first time with you so completely different. I had four children but each birth was special in a different way. Just because you've done something before doesn't make it any less special. My husband had an affair. He had no intention of leaving though and only left as I couldn't forgive him. He's with the ow now. I'll always be hurt at the way it all ended and at the fact he hardly sees his children. When he does see them they don't hold what he did against him. He's their dad and they enjoy the time they can spend with him. I don't hate him or his girlfriend. I hope they're happy. Life's too short to be bitter. I'm sure your husband's ex feels the same. She's moved on and remarried and it sounds as if you have a great marriage with lovely children. Pointless feeling guilty after all these years.

My dd read the thread and found it helpful. She doesn't hate her DF, she has no interest in a relationship with him due to his treatment of her, which included trying to look to others as if he wanted contact whilst letting dd know it wasn't the case.

You're basically saying you don't trust your husband and don't believe a word he says - you attach more credulity to what you read from strangers on the internet who may or may not have an agenda.

You really need to go to the doctors. It's not about 'crying about how you got together with your husband' - it's about intrusive thoughts and anxiety, which if it wasn't attached to your marriage, I'd guess would be attached to something else, e.g. health.

I can't stress this enough. You sound really quite poorly. Please go and speak to someone.

I don't see that you DH followed "the script" at all. He left quickly and has been faithful to you. He isn't a serial cheater who is spinning lies continually. I would believe him when he said that he was unhappy in his marriage and he fell for you. It happens. Yes, the manner in which you two got together was unfortunate, but life is like that. It's messy and painful and things don't always fit into neat, respectable boxes. Life is short and we have to enjoy what we have. Humans can be weak and do ill-advised things - that's just the way we are. There is no award or merit for flogging yourself over how your relationship started. It won't change anything and will only waste away part of your life. You don't have to do penance for this.

I suspect it is your depression that is making you react so extremely to this. I hope your tablets are helping you. Maybe you need counselling too? I hope you can get past this and enjoy what you have.

I'd like to second my disagreement with what LadyMonica said and add that I'm very glad I don't live with such an unforgiving worldview, it must be exhausting.

Going back to your husband's DD again, her behaviour just isn't normal or justified IMO. In fact the word that comes to mind is cruel. Yes it's hard if your parents go through a split but it sounds as if your DH was always keen to be part of her life, seeing and calling her as often as possible. He did not abandon her just because he wasn't with her mum anymore.

The fact that she as an adult and for years previously has refused to see him and the fact that she's threatened to take YOUR Dc aside and tell them what a horrible man she thinks their dad is...she sounds incredibly bitter and slightly unhinged which actually makes me think it's not such a bad thing you don't have her in yours and your DCs lives.

She has chosen to keep punishing not just her dad for something he did years ago, but your children by denying them any kind of relationship with her, and her own child who will grow up not knowing his grandad. Let's just say she has issues...and those are not your fault or even her dad's if he has tried repeatedly over the years to build bridges. I guess she just enjoys being the victim?!

You are carrying all of this guilt around and don't need to. I really hope you will see a good therapist and talk through all these thought processes you are punishing yourself with, in time you will see the thoughts for what they are and be able to put that heavy burden down and enjoy your lovely family.

Best of luck with everything.

AThousandRegrets - please stop punishing yourself. It's more than enough now. It must be awful to spend years treating yourself this way. You love your dh, he loves you, you have children. You can't worry about his daughter and neither can people on here post that she is unreasonable or wrong or try to explain her behaviour. She can do and feel whatever she likes. I know a few daughters who have done exactly the same. It sounds like you worry about him doing to you what he did to his wife and you talk about your guilt at taking up the doctor's time. You've had some good advice. Keep the past in the past, it doesn't belong in the future. You deserve to be happy.

*are

Heartbroken I'm sorry about what has happened to you, but with the best will in the world, you are projecting.

The OP hasn't shown "awareness" - she has called herself "a total cunt" and revealed that she has contemplated suicide over this.

This thread isn't about you and your situation, and the OP's husband is not your husband.

This woman is really ill. Not just holding her hands up and saying 'mea culpa.' Surely you can see that?

As a fellow sufferer, I agree with many PP that the extreme emotion she is feeling over this possibly indicates she has depression and would benefit from help, whether counselling or medicinal. However, the initial feelings themselves show an awareness, surely, even if they have now become all-consuming?

Well, only she can answer that, I suppose. IME, which I accept might just be my experience, depression exaggerated things that were already there.

Heartbroken . My exp was a useless father to our ds, so to me my ds isn't missing out on much. However, ds loves his dad and my guilt is that I took his dad away (by leaving him because he had cheated on me with OW). I thought he might step up to the plate and become a better part-time father but he hasn't. I feel my son is lose-lose all the way.

Yes, they do.

But remember, the OP only knows one side of the story. Who knows what was going on in her husband's marriage, how he was feeling, what his first marriage was like, etc?

She's told herself an epic tale and cast herself as the villain.

And if she doesn't know, what chance do we stand?

So, it's not really awareness, is it? It's a bit grandiose, to be brutal. She's one element of a multi-faceted story, yet she's hanging, drawing and quartering herself on a daily basis, to the point where she's making herself really unwell.

That's not awareness. That would be like calling extreme health anxiety 'awareness of your own mortality.'

Agree Hazel, it's not fair of you, Heartbroken to keep bringing your situation to every thread where there's an OW, you've had plenty of support on your own threads and that will surely continue. This thread is about supporting the OP who is NOT an OW but a wife so please stop projecting because it's really not helping.

OP, you are right not to trust what he says and you are right to suspect that he might cheat on you given the opportunity.

The only thing you know for certain is that he's a liar and a cheat, so no real reason to think he's fundamentally changed in some way.

Everything else you only know because he told you.

My exH tells his ow that our marriage was over, that he left me for her, that I've poisoned the kids against him.

In reality he left because I gave him no choice and spent months begging to come home on an almost daily basis. DC saw him for about a year until he did something so awful that it was the last nail in the coffin, and they have very little to do with him now.

I'm not judging you, you obviously have a lot of regrets, but I'm judging him and you haven't got a decent man, not at all.

Here comes another one, projecting all the way.

AThousandRegrets, I think this thread isn't going to be good for you to read. There's support, yes, but I worry, because of your fragile state, you may pay too much heed to the negative posters who ARE judging and who have no idea beyond their own experiences.

You're actually sabotaging your own marriage now.

If you really believe your dcs shouldn't be here then you need some serious help with your mental health because that is rather extreme. And the suicidal thoughts also indicate you need professional mental health help.

Reading stuff on the Internet and then using it to beat yourself up about your own life choices (that you made several years ago) is spectacularly unhelpful. If that's what's happening here, then you need to stop reading about it. If you are compelled to keep reading people's opinions on this subject, then you might need to consider that perhaps you are addicted to making yourself feel bad. If so, you can get help.

It's such a shame that after all that happened you can't give yourself permission to actually just enjoy your marriage and your children. Because it seems such a waste.

Please stop beating yourself up OP

Focus on the things you can control now, rather than dwelling. And please don't disbelieve your DH because of other OW threads! Has he ever given you a reason to doubt him? Go back to your GP- you won't be wasting their time.

OP I'm a cheated on ex wife but think that it's time to focus on the now and future. There's no way to know if your h would do it again so you have to let it go or risk your guilt being the reason for you and your h splitting. You are obviously a good person for having the ability to analyse your behaviour. Now you need to make sure that the pain you caused doesn't affect the next generation. That's my own mantra for keeping on going

I'm surprised at the number of posts saying that the daughter is unreasonable. We have no idea how involved the husband was before he split with her mother. Some fathers go from distant to Disney Dad and end up annoying the children who can see that the fathers are trying to buy their affection. While the affair was going on, the dd may have suffered from the father's lying. He may have returned "from work" after she'd gone to sleep or been distracted while at home. (I admit I'm totally projecting how my ex was with my kids before he left and he's constantly in and out of contact with the kids because they get annoyed at his efforts)

Ouch, Lying, I thought the whole point of these boards was that we contribute from our own experiences? Being left by my H is looming rather large in my life, at the minute.

I genuinely tried to give a balanced response but from a different viewpoint: I empathise at the Op experiencing what does sound depression; I do not think all the guilt and blame is hers to bear; I did acknowledge the differences in our situations; I do think her own children would benefit if she gets help (I know my children have) but she did get entangled in the end of a marriage and having children does make you aware of things that might not have been so apparent before, in this case, what her DH leaving may have meant for his first child.

I deeply value the support I am getting on my own threads, and hope I express that, but I am not sure why I cannot, therefore, comment on anything else.

And, yes, I am with Cheese at the rough ride the eldest daughter is getting, as the Op herself is only guessing at what she feels, so we have little hope in knowing the truth.

I really think that this thread will be further hurting the OP.

She more or less asked for more approbation, and she's bloody well getting it.

How badly does someone have to be suffering before people can see past their own story and have some compassion?

OP, please don't read any more of this thread. Go and ask for help. You really do not deserve to suffer as much as you are doing. It's disproportionate.

Happy January - if someone was saying all the things OP has said, in real life, say while hanging off a bridge, for example, would you say the things you put in your post to them?

Wow Hazel who made you the thread police?