never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

Op you need to accept the life you have and accept that your dh dd has her life.

You were incredibly naive to assume that his dd would ever play happy families with you and her dads new dcs.

You were not a mother figure to her and people should stop blaming the ex wife.

There are people I choose not to have a relationship with.

It has fuck all to do with anyone else.
My feelings are mine and as an intelligent woman I will choose to act how I like.

Those who heap blame on the dd or his ex are vile and no better than anyone slagging off the op.

Last night i ended things with DH

I have been thinking it over and over. this thread has helped. will never be able to live a full and happy life with him and I whole heartedly believe that I don't deserve one anyway and my mind will never be changed. as i said, I have had counselling, I have been on tablets for years, I have had conversations with DH but I can never ever see this getting any better - I should have done this years ago.

he has gone to stay at his mums for now. he didn't want to but I practically forced him out of the door because I cant be around him because I will break and back down. he is absolutely devastated and he wont believe me. he keeps texting and ringing me begging me to change my mind. even his mum is ringing me. but I am ignoring my phone now. its just better for all of us. his mum will probably be glad anyway as I am sure she never liked me for obvious reasons. but he will find someone else one day who isn't a complete mess and I am sure he will totally regret his time with me other than the kids if he doesn't already deep down.

please no one flame me for this as I cant take it. as believe me I already know I am splitting up another family. and i cant even articulate the pain i am feeling at splitting up with someone who i am so in love with. and the pain in his eyes. and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought how the dcs are going to react. I am trying to be normal for them but I am absolutely breaking inside. I don't know when to tell them. it goes without saying that we will sort out proper access or custody perhaps 50/50 if possible??

I am just so sorry for everything. I feel sick

Was there more wrong with the marriage than the way it started? You don't sound in the right place to be making life changing decisions.

Why would you split with someone you "are so in love with"?
Why would you split with someone who it appears is in love with you?
Why would you split up a family when there is nothing wrong other than something that happened years & years ago?

It is absolutely not normal or rational behaviour, and I mean that in the kindest way.

You are quite clearly not in the right state of mind to be making these huge life changing decisions at all.
You are disproportionally catastrophising the initial affair.

As someone who has been cheated on for an extended period and is still going through the devastating aftermath, please listen to this:
Your husband was honest & ended his marriage very quickly - this speaks volumes.
He didn't string you both along for years - it is very, very highly likely that his marriage was failing and it most probably would have ended anyway with or without your involvement.
You have a long marriage and children - don't throw that away.

You need to seek proper real life help as soon as possible OP, you seem to be in self-destruct and that's not 'normal'.
Mental health can be very damaging - please seek help xx
(I have experienced depressive episodes, I am bipolar so have also experienced altered reality and delusional behaviour - I promise I am not having a go when I say 'not normal' because I have been like that myself).

no lunar ....everything else was great. but to me the fact of how i feel about not only jut the start but because he has lost a dc in order for us to have what we have now. that is enough to make the marriage basically shit. it has coloured the whole marriage / relationship and I cant see it ever changing

Mrsboduke thank you for your kind words but I have sought help several times and it just doesn't help me x

athousand

I too think you are making life changing decisions while not in the right place.

Have you thought that you might now spend the next 10 years, regretting this decision? Thinking you've ruined your own dc's lives? Feeling the guilt and being on anti depressants and having counselling for this too?

In my humble opinion, the problem isn't your dh, his dad, your relationship. The problem is your thinking/ perspective.

And unless you understand this and get some help, I really can't see any reason why the scenario I just spelt out will not play that way.

I read your update with a grasp. It's like watching a drug addict or an alcoholic or some other person hitting their own self destruction button, when others more rational just can't comprehend why they would choose to do that.

I hope you change your mind and ask your dh back. I see no way that that will lessen your guilt. Hecsrill left his wife for you, and his dd will still not be on speaking terms with him.

You think it will make the guilt go away, but I think even if it did, you will just be consumed with new guilt.

Please get help today if possible. Find a private counselling service and start straight away, before you do something that causes a million regrets.

*His dd

I just think the relationship is tainted and always will be

i cant see how (more) counselling will help and its so expensive as well, even relate was about 60 a session iirc and i think that was subsidised as well

i will just be the best mum i can be and try and be a good person, the best i can be ...i have not been that for the last 9 years

i have not been single since i was 14 other than for a few months before i met dh. perhaps i need that. perhaps one day i will love someone again like i do dh but this time he will be single.

sorry to those who are trying and have tried to help. it must seem very rude of me that i don't seem to be taking anything on board

You can't unscramble an egg. What's done is done, you regret it but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it now.

You can't punish yourself your husband and two children because you don't like a decision you made in the past.

Yes it's possible that your husband may look elsewhere, so might mine or anybody else's on here. You are probably feeling it now because you are the same age as his ex, but your dh isn't he's almost ten years older and there is nothing to say he isn't happy.

Maybe in the future, when your mental health has significantly improved you could contact the dd yourself. But not now. You need to talk to your dh about what you are going through, and get some decent therapy. Don't ruin 4 lives to punish yourself.

Doing what you have done will not change the past. I would bet my house that it won't make you feel better either.

Nothing will change the past.

You only have the present.

Make the most of it.

Please, please go to the doctor.

Agree a million times with MrsBoDuke and sassandfass; I too read your update with a gasp, AThousandRegrets. Please make no major decisions right now as you need urgent help and this thread isn't really going to help you with that now.

Can your GP refer you to the mental health team? I think they need to do that. You need help to get well again and, as sass has said, this isn't about your husband, his father or even your relationship, it's about your own thought process and mental health condition in coping with that. You need some help and there's absolutely no shame in that.

Your husband doesn't want to walk away from you and the children, you are his family. If you need him to stay away for a while then that may be a good idea right now but don't push him away, please. You are a FAMILY and you will get well again.

Please, AThousandRegrets, make an urgent appointment with your GP and explain what has happened in the last few days. Counselling is NOT the answer, you need an assessment and some help from the mental health team.

I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be alright in the end... I can't, but it really WILL be alright in the end, you just need to take steps to let people in to help you get there - and then recognise what you have and how far you have come when you do get there. You DESERVE good thing and a happy family life. Please don't sabotage that through misguided feelings of guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty for now.

OP, as someone who lives with a severely depressed DH, I can say with reasonable confidence that this is your depression talking. Please, please take on board what those of us who are saying about this not being the state of mind in which to make life-changing decisions.

Depression makes you think you don’t deserve to be happy, that you’re a burden to others, that you’re such a worthless person that you don’t deserve anything good to happen to you. It causes you to self-sabotage. In ending your relationship, you have effectively self-harmed.

You are a person who deserves happiness, who deserves good things. Again, from my perspective, I can say with some certainty that your DH will be devastated. He will want to be with you, to support you, to love you, to help you. Not because he feels pity or because he doesn’t know better. He is a grown man, an intelligent man, and he loves you. This is what you need right now OP – to be surrounded by love and support, not to cut yourself off.

Please, please, please seek some medical help. Speak to your GP about changing your tablets. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist if you’re not already seeing one. Contact MIND for information about their subsidised talking therapies. Please. You are ill and you need help.

i don't feel better at all because my whole life is with him and disentangling is going to be horrendous

but its almost like ripping off a plaster its going to be shorter pain than when i imagine feeling my whole life how i have been? what a waste of a life

i think i have carried on this long in the hope that things will get better and also in the hope that his dd would come round but i think if she hasn't now she never will and i don't blame her. and because now she has her own child ( dh grandchild) as well that's another child he has lost

In fact, contact your local CMHT Crisis Team, because this is a crisis.

i think i have carried on this long in the hope that things will get better and also in the hope that his dd would come round but i think if she hasn't now she never will and i don't blame her. and because now she has her own child ( dh grandchild) as well that's another child he has lost

Yes, he has lost. Not you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't club him over the head and drag him away from her!

You really shouldn't be feeling like this so long after the event, something else must have triggered this, and you are mentally self-harming. That's how it reads anyway. You really need to access help. And as a former child whose father walked away, though I may have negative feelings towards him - which are my prerogative - I don't blame the other woman, and the whole family moved on years ago. You are talking like this all happened last week! You can't have held these feelings this strongly for so long, surely?

Do you feel more in control of your life and parenting ability, now? If so then you made the right decision. If you have regrets then seek a GP appointment asap.

So he has lost his dd and his dgc, now he's losing his wife and won't be living full time with his dc, how does that make things better?

AThousandRegrets, I have read the thread and I understand your guilt but you should not feel guilty as your DH's relationship had withered before he even met you.
I am almost sure you feel depressed because your DH's daughter does not forgive him. That is probably the hardest bit but your children will not forgive you for destroying a happy family. What are you going to tell them?
As for his daughter just forget her or try to talk to her. You know my DSis can be really bitter. She could not forgive her aunt for twenty years or more. Nothing that big. It is just her ego.
I also think it was a bit dumb looking for support over here on MN. Sorry OP. Now look, what you have done.

Counselling doesn't work in my experience, not for more deep seated issues like this, your meds aren't working, so although you say you've had help I don't think its the right kind.

Can you send your OH a link to thread, even if you can't talk to him? I'm hoping that it will spur him into seeking help for/with you.

You have posted about how your children would be destroyed by him leaving, but you have now made that happen.

The thoughts in your head, however 'right' and true they seem, are not true and not rational. They are the result of what I call the 'crazy brain' taking over and lying to you. Depression lies to you, that is part of the illness. This is your illness talking.

Even if you want to stay separated from your husband, please seek help from a therapist (not counsellor) and from your GP. My therapist is £40 an hour, cheaper than what you were paying. And so what about the expense, this is your life, your husbands life and your children's lives we are talking about. Even if you do stay split from Your husband, I think you are going to need support in dealing with that.

Do you have any RL support, friends or family? Could you talk to them, or again show them what you have written here.

I really really hope anyone who seems themselves as on 'the other side' of this steps back now, or at least doesn't post anything remotely blamey or judgey. This is about the OP needing some help for an illness , whatever her family set up ends up being.

"Do you feel more in control of your life and parenting ability now?"

It's been less than 24 hours!!!!

Athousand Have you every looked up anything to do with ruminating?

I really believe that is what you are doing, have done in the past. It will get you know where.

Have you tried CBT, rather than counselling?

You BELIEVE your relationship to be tainted. Do you understand that you could just as easily BELIEVE it not to be.

A belief is a state of mind that can be changed.

I'll play amateur psychologist here. I think you did something years ago, that you had cognitive dissonance with. (conflict with your belief of yourself and your actions) Most people can't cope with this, and they have to rectify one or the other. Most people choose to think bad of others. (The wife wasn't giving him sex, was crazy etc) You however have chosen to just believe that you did a bad thing, despite thinking you were a good person, so therefore you must be a bad person, and you're hell bent on punishing yourself for that.

It's a really good sign that you didn't choose to pass the blame onto the wife and the daughter. It shows integrity, that lots of people lack. The problem however, is that most people would believe they did a bad thing, and must be a bad person, but as the pp said from Sister Wendy, you would reflect, show remorse and promise yourself not to do this again.

The fact that you think you should suffer for so long and such massively in consequences- losing your dh (even though it won't make up for anything at all), having him lose his family, having your dc's lose their family- really suggests that you have faulty thinking.

Mikkalina.. Really? How spiteful to make light of someone's extremely obvious pain. If you really can't bear OP's postings, could you just like... leave her alone? Go and find another thread to haunt?

Lovely post, sass

AThousand
Abecedario and LyingWitch are giving great advice.
I also agree with sassandfaff about the faulty thinking. Imho, your feelings of extreme guilt/shame have manifested into a sort of filter that is distorting your thought process. It may be a mechanism of coping with your circumstances. I do not doubt that, to you, it makes perfect sense...but it is dis-ordered thinking. This would also explain suicidal thinking, even though, (and I do not mean to sound flippant or patronizing) even though it is understood that suicide is not a healthy behavior, iyswim. Death is not in your best interest...and neither is divorcing your husband here. And yes, yes a million times, you are an important person and deserve to have your best interests tended to.

It is awful, very awful to arrive at a place that you can not trust your own brain. But with the illness of depression, which is so very awful and hard and long, this is pretty much what is going on, imho. I understand that you have reached out for counseling and medication and have not found relief...yet. I get that frustration, I really do. Please do not give up! Do not quit. Do try the suggestions up thread about seeing a specialist/CBT or other possibilities. Let your husband help you, to be your health advocate.

I understand how depression can be all consuming (my daughter suffers terribly). But if you can find and hold onto one seed of hope, or seed of inspiration to focus on to empower you to continue to fight through it-you can get through this. I would suggest that your children may be such a focus. (I do get that the disease can eclipse even the mother/child bond, but please do try.)

Thinking of you- more
PS. Instead of ending your marriage and having your family/others suffer, perhaps you could dedicate your time to volunteering/community service to help you to resolve your emotional dilemma. I can get that you are in crisis right now, but it might be a solution for the future-at least something to think about.

I just want to update he is coming over to properly talk today. I've got someone to take the Dc out so we can be on our own

I want to seek help, this has made me see I need it but I don't know how to get it. it's too overwhelming. I don't know where to start and also It would mean having to speak to someone on the phone and I literally cannot imagine doing that, I wouldn't know what to say

Sorry i haven't replied to individual posters but I literally don't know what to say ...just want to say thanks though and you're a million times wiser than I ever could be

Thanks again xx