never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

[AThousandRegrets]

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

The judgments on the daughter here are horrible! There is no 'normal' way someone has to respond to their parent walking out on them. She had to find a way to deal with her dad leaving and starting a new family, maybe it was just too hard for her to watch.

As has been pointed out, this is not about me. I hope the Op gets help, for her sake and her children's.

In real life many relationships have a degree of overlap. Many people look back at things they've done and feel regret. We don't all live up to the mn standards all the time

I would echo others who say some counselling may help you as your feelings seem very extreme about what happened.

Some times good people make bad decisions.

I think heartbroken, that by telling part of your story here, you are flaming her fire of hatred for herself.

I'd guess that out of all the posts here telling op not to beat herself up, think differently, etc, yours and other(s) like it, will be the one's that op focuses on, because they probably validate and cement how she is feeling.

She hasn't come on to express regret and that's it. She sounds like a tortured soul who is heading for self destruction. I cringed when I read your post, because I imagined what a body blow reading that must be to op.

Op. Can I ask if your dh has ever said something to you, that you later discovered was a lie?

I didn't mean to jab at you, Heartbroken, You can post anywhere you like of course you can, I have very much sympathy for you but your post was totally geared to your own pain and your own feelings (understandable) but as a cognisant woman your post comes across as a bit of a 'swipe', which I know you didn't intend. OP is in pieces in her own right and I'm not sure that hearing the experiences of badly hurt women is going to help her.

Agree with you totally that OP needs some external help, I think it's urgent and that's really the message that everybody on the thread is giving.

The eldest daughter is fully entitled to her own feelings and action. She alone knows what kind of a father the cheating husband was to her. It is not for posters to decide her feelings are wrong based on a poster who is bound to give a very partial view of events. We don't know how much and how deeply this man let down his oldest child.

My mums Husband has 2 adult children that refuse to contact him. My mum judges them, but I know her husband is actually a nasty lying manipulative selfish shit. She would tell a very different version of events to his children - personally, I envy the children being able to protect themself & their children from him. The daughter may be the most emotionally wise out of the lot of them.

yy sassandfaff, that is it EXACTLY.

ffs there are some really mean posters on tonight.

whatthese... Just HOW is your mother's husband's children's view of him relevant to the OP and her situation?

Thanks, Lying. I have to confess, that I missed her sentence about suicide the first time I read the Op, and might have phrased things differently (or not at all) had I noticed it. I am concerned for her as a fellow human, and a probable fellow sufferer of depression, even though, as someone on the other end of a similar
situation, I feel strongly about the previous relationship choices she made.

I've been on MN since wwifn was here. I had a rest for a year, come back and it seems to have turned into a blood bath, lying

I was defending the oldest DD against all the criticism levelled at her by posters - I suspect this adult woman will have very very good reasons to have gone non contact with her father, based on my mum's husband children, who are simlarily no contact.

There are many a poster here tonight happy to attack innocent children who have been victims of affairs. even make personal attacks on children they know are reading the thread.

Can you see the double standards in what you say what ?

Other posters can't guess/ judge why she is like she is, but you can?

Why? Because your guess makes her a nice person, and everyone else's doesn't?

Genuine question.

I thought my initial post was balanced; however, as some clearly didn't, I have reported it so MNHQ can decide.

OP with the greatest respect, you are making too much of your own part in this. Your DH made all the choices. It's sad about his DD, but it sounds like he has tried his level best to have a relationship. As for ExW - how do you know she's a miserable, broken woman? She may have a lovely new partner now! Stop blaming yourself - I doubt anyone else is giving it this level of thought.

I was the OW. My DH left his wife for me (no kids involved) and we've been together 8y now. I felt guilty for a brief period but in all honesty, I don't regret the outcome. We are extremely happy and have two lovely DC - how can I regret that?! I trust him 100% - I know I'd never cheat again so why shouldn't he feel the same? Maybe I'll be proved wrong somewhere down the line but them's the breaks in a relationship - we're all taking a chance on another person.

Vertigo, children shouldn't be reading these threads. What parent would direct them here? This thread is about the OP, it's not a free-for-all for posters to slap her around.

sassandfaff, blood bath is right on the money. Even though the OP is really quite obviously hurting, some posters just can't wait to stick the knife in further.

sassanfaff my post is based on the fact the oldest DD was the child victim of the affair and is fully entitled (and probably wise) to emotionally protect herself and her child.

She is 18 and you do not own this thread or mumsnet.

I don't think it's unbalanced heartbroken. I think under the circumstances (yours that is) it's quite neutral, but some of the facts in your story will prove to op that her flogging of herself is justified.

I hope it's deleted before she reads it. Not because it breaks rules, or it's mean. Just been cause it will not only not help her, it will probably make her worse.

for your situation though heartbroken

People knew I linked the thread and still wrote vile things about an INNOCENT knowing she was reading the thread.

Heartbroken .

Please don't be so hard on the posters like heart than have put their side of the story. They did not have the advantage of knowing or being able to control what has happened to them.
Though I don't think the OP should be blaming herself as he was the one that was married and broke his promises to his family, she at least was 'controlling' her future. The heartbrokens of this thread and their children have not had that luxury.

I don't, Vertigo so forgive me if I ignore the nonsense and focus on the OP, not you and your situation.

No I won't.

OP. Stop torturing yourself, enjoy what you have because it sounds pretty wonderful. Me an DW got together in not dissimilar situation, 20 years on, 3 DC, everything brilliant. Be good to yourself, love your DH, be happy. You can't change the past. Look to the future, be happy, happy, happy.

I was a child victim of an affair what

I mentioned it earlier. I didn't choose to hate my df. I didn't feel like hating my df.

I'm sure other child victims of affairs had there mind poisoned by their DM.

Other child victims may have felt bereft and decided to hate their df for the rest if eternity, without any poisoning from their DM.

My point is, you don't know the real reason, neither do we.

Your stance however is that you are right and the rest of us are wring, based on how your own personal experience with your step dads daughters went.

Can you not see that, that doesn't make you right?

You are guessing, just like the rest of us.