Leaving an abusive relationship may be a difficult choice but it's still a choice, right?

[maggiethemagpie]

I will confess before we go any further that I have very little experience of abusive relationships. Personally - never, I am just not attracted to that kind of dynamic. I was exposed to my mum's abusive relationship with my stepfather when I was a child however. Maybe that's why I have 'never gone there' as an adult?

I have a friend who knows being with her abusive partner is the wrong thing, and says things like she hopes it will fizzle out or he'll want to spend less time with her (fat chance) but despite repeatedly trying to leave him, can't do so.

I have struggled to understand why. They are not married, or cohabiting, have no dependents, and have been together apx 18 months (they are late 30s) however she has been trying to leave him since 4 months in.

I can see that psychologically she's in some sort of trap, but surely the ultimate choice to stay or go is hers? I'm not denying that it's a difficult choice, it must be a very difficult choice but then life is full of difficult choices and these are what shape us and make us grow.

So is it a free choice to stay in these kind of relationships? Or is it a bit like addiction - where logically the right thing to do is to stop but due to the drug dependency it's not so easy?

I do have some experience with addiction so that may be an easier way to understand it. I don't subscribe to a disease model though - I still think remaining addicted to anything be it drink, substance or gambling or whatever, is still a choice although often a very difficult one.

So is remaining in an abusive relationship a choice or not?

thatslife thank you, yes that is exactly what I was trying to say.

I am trying to stop over clarifying everything I say because I "don't communicate clearly enough". The irony being that communication is a large part of my job.

Do you get it, OP? I'm a skilled professional yet I'm still, even after leaving, explaining everything I say because I am so used to having my words twisted, being gaslighted and being told I'm useless. It erodes your confidence, it erodes you. I don't really want to go into all the other things but I will just say that I have left, and he still manages to abuse me in some ways. So I took responsibility, knowing it would cause a shitstorm, and guess what? It's still going on.

Is it responsibility, my choice? No. Fuck that. It's his responsibility, just like it was his choice to abuse me in the first place.

Well we're proof you can flippinada, but I didn't have children with mine or any financial commitments so it was easier for me, but by no means easy. He still continued to stalk me harassment , threaten me, tell me today would be the day I died. Or would be the worst day of my life! U know even the police said oh he will get fed up just put stronger locks on your door! But he didn't and eventually they listened, but I actually had to sell up and move for it to stop. Some of the police were actually quite patronising !

Sorry for typos. This thread has actually brought tears to my eyes so it was a bit hard to see.

That's life - as a dv professional it fills my heart with joy to see you write 'some of the police'. Only some?! Progress at last!

Oh Annie none were nasty but just patronising saying did I encourage him , oh the last person they saw had it a lot worse than me. He'll get fed up. But when they did finally listen they were brilliant, it was a woman that sorted it too, I heard her speak to him on the phone once she was ace! The domestic violence team were fab too

bluecar

I think one of things this thread has illustrated is how much stigma there still is around domestic abuse, how victims are blamed and the barriers that creates in seeking help and support.

Thatslife thank you. It's not easy, is it?

I was only (sort of) joking. Some police are fantastic - others not so. Few are out right nasty these days (although it does still occasionally happen) but too many are still patronising / clueless and this is definitely more true when the situation is one where the woman has already left as their one 'trump card' (why don't you leave him?') is of no use.

I'm wondering what Maggie is thinking now?!

Who knows! I think she was expecting to have her views validated and was suprised when they weren't.

I don't think those kind of opinions are that unusual outside of MN, sadly. There's still a long way to go.

Just wondering how the OP got herself into the position in the first place of allowing her friend to let her down more than once...surely by her own reasoning she should have chosen to kick her to the kerb the second she started acting like a not-so-good friend? The irony is almost amusing.

Bizarre isn't it !

flippinada thank you for the flowers

Still a long way to go...but this thread contains perfect examples of someone who simply doesn't understand, and breathtakingly accurate descriptions of what it's really like and why it isn't a case of 'just leaving'. Maybe somebody reading it who might have thought like her originally will get an idea of what abuse victims go through, and why they deserve empathy not blaming.

to all those trapped or who ever have been.

greencar you are welcome.

There are so many stories I could tell about my ex - won't rehash them here though, you will all know what I mean.

When I look back (it was more than 11 years ago now) I wonder how on earth he had such a hold on me - but he did. We have a child together and have a superficially civil relationship because of that but I'm still very wary of him.

I left mine 4 years ago, it's taken that to get my confidence back I'm still lacking there tbh! My current partner did notice things, I was always putting myself down! It takes a long time to get over it, my kids bless them still talk about it it just doesn't go away completely. It did do me good to be on my own for a while though, get my business going etc without him trying to take control of it and telling me how it would fail. Guess what it didn't 😉

I don't think it ever goes away completely, not really...but that's ok I think. Knowledge is power and all that.

Oh, and congratulations on making a success of your business, that's an amazing achievement - I can barely manage myself sometimes